


Sacral Patterna (On hiatus)

by Morphiina



Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Drug Use, FrostIron - Freeform, M/M, Mental Illness, Mild Horror, Protective Thor, Self-Harm, Self-Mutilation, Short Loki, Smut, There might be spiders, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-05-21 23:00:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 27
Words: 72,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14924492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morphiina/pseuds/Morphiina
Summary: Loki Odinson has been hearing voices since he was a child. But although they make everyday life difficult to manage, he never wanted them to go away. Because despite what his parents and overprotective brother may think, they help him in more ways than they hinder. They help him see the darkest secrets of the universe. He knows that one day, they will help him unlock the sacral patterna.Tony Stark, son of a billionaire, boy genius, one of the most popular guys in town, is infatuated by his new friend Thor’s mysterious brother and his seemingly otherworldly intelligence.NOTE: This fic is on hiatus but I swear it will return!!





	1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

“…there is a depth to life beyond the simple dimensions that she can perceive and calculate in, and so… who knows?”

― _Children of Time_

 

Thor had good day.

He'd spent most of the warm, golden summer day playing sports with his friends of a few months now in America, in this new town. A quaint, well-manicured town on the outskirts of the busier city, wherein lay the college Thor was due to attend once summer ended.

The most prestigious school in the world, no less. Prestigious enough for Thor’s parents to send him all the way from England. Rinhaven University spat out only the best and the brightest. And while Thor wasn't exactly the brightest, he had a highly optimistic future in sports, with dreams of one day being an Olympian. Perfect fit for the more physical side of Rinhaven.

Of course, that alone wasn't what guaranteed Thor his acceptance letter, and he knew it.

“Thor!” A cheerful voice called out. Thor turned and saw his girlfriend of a month now, Jane Foster, headed his way.

Thor grinned and kissed her when she reached him. “Where’ve you been all day? You missed my most glorious victory in American flag football!”

Jane laughed, “Some of us have jobs, you know! Not all parents can afford to pay for tuition _and_ everything else like yours.” She playfully slapped him on the arm. “We still going to your place for a movie night?”

“Oh yes! I've ordered pizza already.” He offered his arm with a smile. “Shall we?”

Jane happily took his arm, and they walked side-by-side down the neighborhood street, Thor waving goodbye to his friends as they went.

 

“I can't believe you haven't invited me to your place before!” Jane nearly scolded Thor as they had arrived at his door, fishing for his key.

“I suppose I've enjoyed the fresh air far too much to think of it.” Thor smiled as he found his key, unlocking the door and pushing his way in.

Jane followed, and after giving her a moment to put down her bags, Thor offered to take her on a tour of his condo.

“This is so nice! I seriously can't believe your parents got you a _condo_ instead of a dorm!”

“Ah well, they… did get me a dorm as well.”

Jane looked at him. “So you've got your convenient room for the week and a nice weekend house? Jeez.”

Thor always felt a bit embarrassed by what he knew people saw. They saw daddy spoiling his kid, giving him the world on a silver platter. But Thor knew better. This was necessary. As Jane would soon find out.

“Oh, I think you left a light on.” Jane pointed at a closed door as Thor had finished showing her the living room, light bleeding out from under it.

Thor had a somewhat sheepish look on his face, and he strode past Jane to the door, and then knocked on it.

“Loki?” He called out.

Jane blinked, “You have a roommate…?”

“Come in.” A soft, male voice called out from inside the room, accented as Thor’s was.

Thor, ignoring Jane’s question, opened the door wide. Inside, a young man lay on the floor, head on a plush pillow, a book in his hands. The room was immaculate, with several neatly-organized bookshelves. Three giant wipeboards took up an entire wall, covered in countless hastily-written notes and strange symbols, and a large cork-board covered in tacs with strings connecting them in odd, celestial patterns.

The young man was pale as milk, with raven-black hair that was longer in the front, messily flipped over one side. His vibrant green eyes looked tired, dark circles underneath. He wore a too-large green t-shirt over his bony frame, his pale shoulder peeking out from the collar of it, and fitted black sweatpants.

“You're home early.” He said in a drowsy voice to Thor, setting his book aside and sitting up with effort, arms on his knees.

“I've a date! Loki, meet Jane.” Thor gestured to his girlfriend, who stood back in the doorway. “Jane, this is my brother, Loki.”

Jane stared in shock at the pale ghost of a boy that looked nothing like the tan, golden-haired goliath.

Loki seemed to snap out of his sleepy trance. He quickly got to his feet and stepped forward. “Oh! So good to finally meet you, dear.” He held out his hand to shake. “Thor never goes a day without mentioning you!”

Jane snapped out of her shock as well and took his hand to shake, smiling. “It's good to finally meet some of Thor’s family.” She said carefully.

“We are having pizza and watching a movie, brother. Would you care to join us?” Thor offered.

“Hmm…” Loki gazed off. “Perhaps a bit later. I've nearly finished my book.”

Thor clapped his hands. “Excellent! Oh, I think I just saw the pizza man drive up.” He turned and headed back down the hall.

Jane smiled at Loki, “It's really good to meet you!” She said again, before following Thor.

When Loki was out of earshot, Jane said quietly, “You never told me you had a brother, never mind a brother that _lives_ with you!”

“Ah, well… it's a bit complicated. It's difficult to mention him without having to explain the whole story.” Thor said.

“And…what's the whole story?”

Thor did not answer, instead opening the door for the delivery man. It wasn't until he'd given the man his tip, waved him off and shut the door before he began speaking again, not meeting her eyes.

“My brother is… ill. He does not go out much.”

Jane’s eyebrows furrowed worriedly. “What kind of ill?”

Thor set the pizza down on the table and sighed. “He was diagnosed with psychosis as a young child, once our parents had realized that the voices he told everyone about weren't just imaginary friends. He's the real reason why we have this condo.” Thor said as he looked up at Jane. “We all wanted him to have a place to go on the weekends, or if a school day proves too much for him at any point.”

Jane gave him a genuinely sympathetic look. “I'm so sorry, that must be rough on all of you.”

Thor smiled as he went to take out plates. “It isn't so bad. I've looked after my brother all our lives. I like to do all I can for him. Besides, he is quite is high-functioning, he just has his… moments.” He brought the plates and a couple of cups over to the table. “He's a genius, you know. His acceptance email came in only an hour after we sent his application. The school is lucky to have him.” He beamed as he said this.

Jane smiled, taking one of the plates. “I'm looking forward to getting to know him.” And she meant that. She could see the fondness in Thor’s eyes as he spoke of his brother. She could tell how much he meant to him.

 

_…is certainly pretty…_

_…could do better…_

_…not the pretty that matters…_

_…That whore is going to take Thor away from us, you know…_

_…It's not like we need him…_

_…doesn't deserve Thor, let him go and have a life already…_

Loki ignored the voices swimming through the air around his head. Well, the ones talking about Jane, anyway. Those particular voices are always going on about similar things, and he was used to tuning them out. They never said anything useful.

He flipped the page of his book, running a finger down, scanning it with his eyes. Seconds later, he moved on to the next page. As his mind automatically took in the information, another part of his mind drifted. It was almost time to go to the library again, only three more books left.

He smirked when he remembered the shock on the librarians’ faces when he took out thirty-seven books all at once. These ones weren't used to it yet. New town, new library. But they would acclimate. They would forever give a knowing chuckle when they saw him arrive, ‘ah there's Loki, come to check out fifty more then?’. He knew they didn't believe he actually read them all. That was fine with him.

Loki was currently reading a book on the intricate patterns of spiderwebs. This was one of his favorite subjects, and spiders were one of a few creatures that fascinated him to no end. How they were able to generate such complex, precise shapes with hardly a brain at all was beyond incredible.

He smiled a bit, remembering when his mother found the spider enclosure in his closet when he was a child. He needed test subjects in a controlled environment to study what the effects of different conditions had on their geometry. His mother didn't agree, and told him he could go look at spiders outside where they belong.

He looked up at the cork board, trailing his bright eyes along the strings, shapes seemingly like a spiderweb, but nothing made by an ordinary spider. He nearly had one more piece of the puzzle. He was so close, he could almost taste it; like spider fangs sinking in, sucking the secrets out and leaving the truth a dry husk.

 

Over the weeks, Jane came by more often. Loki would usually be in his room, but once and a while she would enter the condo to find him lounging on the living room couch with a book, sunlight from the big windows bathing him in a lazy glow.

He was always very polite and well-mannered, a soft smile on his face when she greeted him. He joked along with them when he took time away from his books to hang out or watch a movie with them, and his quick wit made her choke on her beverage laughing more than once. She didn't think she’d know he suffered from a mental illness if she hadn't been told.

That was, until one evening when she and Thor were watching tv together in the living room.

She heard a creak from the hallway and the both of them looked to see Loki’s thin frame slowly brush past the hallway. He had a hand on the wall as he went, as though he’d lose his way if he didn't. His breathing was panicked, and his eyes were glazed over, squinting and shifting as though he were in a dark room trying to make out anything.

Thor was up in an instant, sprinting over to his brother. He put a hand on his shoulder, and Loki jumped and looked up wildly. His face held no recognition for Thor. He didn't even seem to see him.

“Calm down, Loki. It's me, your brother.” Thor told him in a soothing voice, gripping his shoulders securely.

“Thor?” Loki sounded frightened. “Thor, we need to find a way out of here, there's… they're everywhere. But I think if I listen, I… I can lead us around them.” He put his shaking hands on Thor’s arm, feeling, as though trying to make sure this really was his brother.

“Loki, you're having an episode. You’re home. You're safe.” Thor said reassuringly.

“N-no, no we’re not safe, Thor! Don't you see them? Shifting… they're hard to see. So dark, they're like… fog…” Loki’s voice trailed off.

“It's alright, I know the way out.” Thor told him, playing along with the delusion.

He led his brother carefully into the kitchen, Loki stammering about watching out for something only he could see, and then helped him sit down on the floor. He then poured a cup of water, and ripped a prescription bottle from one of the cabinets.

Kneeling next to his shaken brother, he put the cup of water and a couple of pills in his hands. “I need you to swallow these, brother. They will bring us home.”

Loki stared down at his hands for a long time, fighting with a part of himself that was telling him this wasn't really his brother.

_…Poison…_

_…trying to get rid of you, he doesn't want to babysit anymore…_

_…Thor would never…_

_…just let him kill you, you're worthless anyway…_

Eventually the part of him that held on to the belief that his brother would never mislead him won out, and he swallowed the pills.

After a short while, Loki was lulled into a drowsy trance, slumped over on the kitchen floor, visions replaced by a sleepy haze that more closely resembled reality, voices gone quiet. Thor sighed with relief, and felt things were calm enough to look up for a moment.

He saw that Jane was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, a genuinely concerned look on her face, arms wrapped around herself. Meeting Thor’s eyes, she silently mouthed, ‘is he okay?’

Thor nodded, “Yes, he is sedated.”

She cautiously stepped over to stand beside where Thor was crouching, looking down at the dozing man. “Do you need help moving him?” She asked quietly.

Thor shook his head, a small smile on his face, “If I can tackle Steve Rogers without breaking a sweat, I can carry my scrawny little brother.” He playfully flexed one of his arms, muscles bulging.

Jane held in a laugh, feeling the stress of the situation melt away by Thor’s apparent comfort, a feeling of normalcy.

Thor reached down and carefully maneuvered his brother’s deadweight body into his arms, Loki’s head bobbing in his trance, as Thor lifted him up with a heave and getting to his feet. Jane followed as he carried Loki to his bedroom, the door wide open, went in and gently set him on the bed.

He gently draped a sheet over Loki’s body, and brushed a piece of hair from his eyes. Jane was moved by the tenderness.

“Come, we should let him rest.” Thor said, leading her back out of the room.

When they had reached the living room, Jane asked, “How often does this happen?”

Thor looked thoughtful. “Not very. He is usually able to take his medication if he feels an episode coming on. But once and a while they come when he is sleeping and before he can wake up to medicate, he is already… somewhere else.”

“That must be awful, waking up into a nightmare.” Jane said sadly.

Thor nodded, “Thankfully he doesn't seem to remember much from it when he comes to. He says it's not much different from a regular nightmare for him.” He sat down on the couch with a sigh. “It's more the potential for embarrassing or hurting himself that is the worry for these episodes.”

“He's hurt himself before?”

Thor looked down sadly. “Mostly just as a child.”

Jane didn't press further, stopped by a haunted look in her boyfriend’s eyes.

She flopped down on the couch beside him. “Well, at least he’s okay now. Why don't we relax and finish our show? We only have a few more days of freedom before our lives are consumed by homework, after all.”

Thor smiled, “That is a good idea.”


	2. Chapter 2

****

**Chapter 2**

“He was tethered inextricably to a social species, however much he might fancy himself as a loner.”

― _Children of Time_

 

Tony Stark strode down the sunny, windowed corridor, his bulky friend Steve Rogers at his side, looking like his personal bodyguard. Truthfully though, Steve would probably just laugh if someone tried to beat up Tony. Not that anyone would ever want to get on a Stark’s bad side. Legal retaliation was far too messy.

“Ah, smell that, Steve?” Tony asked. Steve just looked at him, knowing he wouldn't even have to ask. “That's the smell of freshman optimism. It's the strongest in the first two weeks before the motivation dies out with the realization that you don't get anywhere in life by trying.”

“You were a freshman just last year.”

“Technically, yes.” Tony put on a fake smile for the group of girls that were gushing for his attention as they passed. “But I ran out of optimism when I was six.”

“I think there's a therapy for that.”

“There is, it's called alcohol.”

“And women?”

“And women.”

“I think I see Thor.” Steve nodded his head towards the end of the hall.

Sure enough, the tall, bulky blonde international student was slowly walking their way, laughing at something the person beside him was saying.

“Who’s that with him?” Steve asked.

Tony just stared at the companion in question, feeling suddenly like the hallway crowded with people was actually just a hallway filled with empty shapes besides Tony himself and this unknown boy.

He was _beautiful_. Pale skin like cream that would bruise so nicely under the fingers, face perfectly sculpted, soft and sharp at the same time, soft pink lips begging to be bitten, slim body hugged so perfectly by those fitted black pants and green half-sleeve. But most of all, those eyes. Those green eyes were so bright they shone like a pair of glowing orbs in the darkness all the way down the distance of the hallway. They were so light against the whites of his eyes that they felt like fragile ice, yet held a core of fire in the cold belly. A shiver went down Tony’s spine.

“Tony?”

An echo snapped Tony back to reality and he looked at Steve, who had an eyebrow raised. He realized he’d been staring for several long moments.

“I guess we’ll just have to find out!” Tony said regarding Steve’s earlier question, pretending nothing odd had transpired, picking up the pace to meet Thor. Steve eyed him suspiciously, but said nothing as he followed.

“My friends!” Thor said with great cheer as they approached.

Steve walked up and slapped his arm. “Got all your textbooks, big guy?”

“Textbooks? What century is this?” Tony scoffed. “Please tell me you're not still using textbooks, Steve.”

“What can I say? I'm old-fashioned.” Steve shrugged. “Besides, how do you think I got these muscular shoulders but for lugging around huge textbooks?”

Thor laughed, and lightly slapped a hand on the man beside him’s back. “Loki here prefers the paper books as well, perhaps that is why I also have muscular shoulders.”

Loki gave a polite smile. “It's just not the same on a tablet.” Tony ate up the sound of his voice, soft and accented.

“Exactly!” Steve agreed emphatically with Loki’s sentiment.

“And, how do we know each other…?” Tony pointedly asked Thor and Loki, looking between them and flashing Loki his most charming smile.

“Oh yes!” Thor remembered his manners. “This is my brother, Loki.” Turning to Loki, he said, “Loki, this is Steve Rogers and Tony Stark.”

Loki nodded at them with a smile, “Pleasure.”

Tony extended his hand to Loki eagerly, “Pleasure’s all mine!” Loki stared at Tony’s hand for a short moment, a confused look flashing across his eyes so quickly Tony wondered if he imagined it. But Loki regained his composure and took his hand to shake and _oh how this Loki’s hand was so soft and dainty-_

“Did you just arrive, then?” Steve asked him conversationally.

Loki briefly glanced at Thor with an odd look before responding, “A few days ago, yes.” He grimaced slightly. “I've spent more time sleeping off the jet lag than unpacking.”

“Hey, there you guys are!” A voice called out. The four young men turned to see Jane pushing her way past a crowd of students.

Thor put his arm around her shoulders when she reached them, and Steve greeted her, “Hey, Jane.”

“How's that jet lag, Loki?” Jane smiled at him.

“I think it's finally subsided.” They shared a funny look that Tony couldn't figure out.

“Good to hear! You boys ready for your first class? I think we’re all in the same wing this period if you wanna head over.”

“Of course!” Thor grinned, and looked at Steve and Tony. “Will we see you at lunch?”

“You couldn't get rid of us with all the Salicylic acid in the world.” Tony smirked.

“I’m not sure what that means but I shall take that as a yes!” Thor gave him the gun finger and clicked his tongue as the trio turned and headed down the hallway.

Steve and Tony watched them go. Tony raised an eyebrow as he checked out Loki’s ass as he walked away, admiring how fantastic it looked in those black, fitted pants. Was there a part of this man that wasn't perfect? He really wanted to find out.

“Oh man, I'm gonna fuck him.” Tony promised out loud with a grin.

Steve rolled his eyes. “Of course you are.”

 

_…what an ill-fitting sweater…_

_…teacher is new, he looks more terrified than the freshmen…_

_…has a crush on her, won't stop looking…_

For as long as Loki could remember, it had never been silent. The voices were constantly going on about something or other, so many at once. One would think this would drive a person completely mad, and sometimes he certainly felt like he might.

But having grown up with it, it was completely normal for Loki. So normal that he couldn't begin to imagine what silence sounded like. And that was fine with him. He knew how to tune out of the crowd of useless voices and tune in to the helpful ones.

Yet, for Loki there was, in relative terms, something he called ‘quiet’, and something he called ‘noisy’. Quiet was the regular drone of a handful of voices. Noisy was what happened when he was in an overstimulating environment. The voices have to point out everything they notice. Everything they feel. Everything. And when there's a lot around to process, there was a lot of things to say.

Environments like school. So many people to notice things about, so many things happening at once. And on top of that, noise outside of his head as well. Chatter, squeaking shoes, laughter, closing lockers. Loki winced and pinched the bridge of his nose.

Thor looked back at him with a concerned look. “Are you alright?”

“Fine. It's just a bit noisy after months of a quiet condo.” Loki admitted.

“Well, this isn't high school, you can get away with closing your eyes in class if you need to.” Jane said with a smile. “It's just introductions on the first day anyway, I imagine.”

Loki smiled back and nodded. It was a wonder that Thor managed to find such an amazing woman in the first month of being in this country. She was intelligent and understanding and complimented Thor wonderfully. She had even, thankfully, been willing to go along with their little lie about when Loki actually arrived here, in order to help keep his condition a secret. He really didn't need a repeat of high school.

“Here's my stop, see you boys later?” Jane said.

Thor kissed her cheek, “Don’t make a fool of the teacher on the first day!”

“No promises.” She said with a wink, and disappeared into the classroom.

When they reached Loki’s classroom, Thor tapped the phone in Loki’s hand. “I'm right down the hall. Do not forget the magical speed dial button if you have need of me!”

Loki shook his head and smiled, turning to go into the classroom. “I'll be fine, Thor. Pay attention in class.”

_…no you won't…_

_…oh be quiet, it's only English…_

 

Of _course_ the English teacher had an old chalkboard instead of a wall screen, or even a wipeboard. What a terrible sound, chalk squeaking. Loki sighed and took Jane’s advice, closing his eyes. If he couldn't tune the sound out, he would turn it to his advantage.

He drew out the sound, eliminating the other sounds in the room, and began mentally mapping the starts and stops of the chalk. He watched behind his eyelids as glowing white lines appeared in the dark. Each time there was a stop, the lines took a new direction.

When the chalk eventually stopped and the professor continued his lecture, Loki smiled. The timing of the lines had been perfect. In his mind he had drawn one of his favorite sacred designs. One he found most throughout his studies. Hexagons and triangles and intersecting lines. The amount of lines the sound of the chalk gave him fit the design perfectly. One more line would have been too many, one less and the design would have been incomplete. But it was perfect.

It always soothed Loki to do this. To find order in chaos. Patterns. The sacral patterna repeated throughout the universe. There were no coincidences. It was affirmation of this. All lines led to one place.

And he would follow them to the edge of the universe; beyond if he had to.

_…you will never find it…_

_…search forever…_

_…nothing to find…_

 

Steve, Jane and Tony were laughing about some meme Jane had shown them on her phone when the Odinson brothers arrived at their table, returning from the cafeteria food store.

Thor set down a tray covered in sandwiches and poptarts next to Jane, and his cup of coffee beside it. They all stared.

“Are you… going to eat _all_ of that?” Steve asked.

Thor looked puzzled. “Of course, why? Would you like one?” He held out a poptart.

“Ha, no thanks. I just thought _I_ had a big appetite.”

Loki smirked and sat beside his brother, setting a meager one sandwich on the table. The contrast was amusing; big Thor with his heaping tray next to scrawny Loki with his one little wrapped sandwich.

“Thor has single-handedly ensured the continuation of the poptart brand over the years.” Loki said, unwrapping his sandwich.

Tony snorted a laugh. Steve grinned, “I actually completely believe that.”

After a bit, the group was joined by Natasha and Clint, two more of their friends, and lunch was spent with laughter, stories, and the horrifying yet strangely fascinating image of Thor inhaling four sandwiches and innumerable poptarts.

Loki spoke when questions were asked of him, or in the occasional witty quip. But for the most part he stayed quiet, to Tony’s disappointment; nibbling at his sandwich and doodling on his smartphone with a stylus.

On the bright side, that allowed Tony to repeatedly sneak glances without being caught.

Eventually he allowed his gaze to move down from his face to look at his phone screen, curious about what he was doodling. Tony’s brow furrowed a bit, trying to figure out what he was looking at. A bunch of fine lines and shapes and intersecting patterns, symmetrical in each dimension. So impeccably symmetrical in fact, yet he didn't seem to be using guides or grids or auto-symmetry. Impressive.

Then he saw Thor nudge his brother. “Don't forget to eat, brother.”

“Yes, mother.” Loki sighed.

“Don't make me get the funnel!”

“Oi.”

 

That night, Thor, Jane and Loki sat on the couch in Thor’s dorm room together, unwinding after their first full day of classes. They were watching some cheesy sci-fi movie, eyes drooping.

Loki yawned and looked over at the other end of the room. “Have you fed Jörm, brother? All this transplanting must have him stressed.”

Thor looked over. “He has eaten three pinkies this week already. That is the snake equivalent of my sort of lunch!”

Jane rubbed her eye and blinked. “Um, snake?”

“Oh, have I not introduced you to Jörm?” Thor jumped to his feet and Jane watched him walk to the back of the dorm room, to a tank she hadn't noticed tucked in the back corner. He gently lifted the top from it, reached in, and pulled out a small, black-and-white striped snake, which coiled around his muscular arm.

He brought it over, and Jane smiled as the reptile raised his little head and flicked his tongue. “Cute! How long have you had him?”

“Five years.” Thor smiled, petting the snake’s scales with his finger, and bringing him closer for Jane to do the same. “Loki got it for me for my birthday. He knows how much I love snakes!”

“Where did the name ‘Jörm’ come from?”

“‘Jörmungandr’.” Loki answered. “The Nordic world-snake.”

“Of course, little Jörmy can only dream of becoming so large.” Thor chuckled. The little California Kingsnake almost had a disgruntled look on his face from that. Small animals and their size complexes.

Loki stood up from the couch and stretched. “I think I'll go to bed.”

Thor nodded. “Alright. You have your medication?”

“Mm.” Loki sleepily confirmed. He stroked Jörm’s little head as he passed, heading to the dorm door.

“Sweet dreams, Loki.” Jane said.

Loki's smiled, “I hope so.”

 

All around was stars, galaxies, in purples and deep blues. Loki was walking on a glass surface, rippling with colors, as wide as he was tall, that dropped off into the nothing at each side. It stretched back into the past, and forward into the future. His steps on the glass sounded like a groaning glacier, crackling deep within the surface.

He walked for what seemed like ages, following the glass road as it twisted and turned. Sometimes there were forks in the road, and Loki tried to look beyond, searching for any indication which way he should go. But there was nothing to see, and he chose at random.

He began to feel frustrated, and fearful. Would this road ever end? Where did it lead? What if it just kept going, forever?

He stopped in the road, and looked around wildly, breath ragged. A high-pitched ringing was enveloping his ears, and he put his hands over them, shutting his eyes tight, pain stabbing through his brain.

“Stop it!” He shouted at the void, a tear running down from his eye. He removed his hands from his ears and looked and them, and was shocked. Blood. He touched his ear with his finger and looked at it. More blood. His eyes were wide with panic when he realized the tear from his eye was blood too.

He looked up desperately at the infinite void as the blood dropped down from his eyes an ears, and then he fainted.

 

Loki awoke with a gasp, bolting upright. He was drenched with sweat.

_…we told you…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really appreciate your comments, your feedback keeps me motivated to write :)


	3. Chapter 3

****

**Chapter 3**

“Welcome to the human race. Nobody controls his own life.”

― _Ender's Game_

 

Light gently streamed through the dormitory window, striped through the half-open blinds. It felt warm through Loki’s eyelids, and he turned his face into his pillow, sighing. Already he missed the lazy mornings of summertime. He had never been a morning person.

Calm but insistent music was playing from a circular clock near the bed. Loki had long ago realized that blaring alarms were a bad wake up call for someone with his condition, and had found a less startling alternative. Sometimes he slept through it, but it was better than a heart attack every morning.

After a few minutes of putting up with the music, he eventually managed to sit himself up, rubbing his eye and yawning. Through bleary vision he happened to look down at his pillow, and then blinked.

The pillow had red stains on it.

He stared at the stains for a long moment, trying to figure out how they got there. Nosebleed?

Then he remembered his dream, and put a finger to his ear. Dried blood came off under his fingernail, and he stared at it.

Before he had a moment to think, his door burst open.

“Brother! You are not up! It is pancake day in the cafeteria, we must hurry!” Thor had a grin on his face that was far too awake for this time of morning.

Loki quickly turned his pillow over, and swiped his hair over his ear. “Jesus Christ, Thor, how about knocking? We don't leave my door unlocked so you can barge in on non-emergencies, and pancakes are not an emergency.”

“What? Oh, right, sorry.” Thor looked sheepish. “I was excited. You know of my delight in breakfast pastries.”

Loki sighed. “Give me five minutes.”

 

In his dorm suite bathroom, Loki turned his head at the mirror to look in his ears. There wasn't a ton of blood, as there had been in the dream. But it was mystifying to find any at all. What could possibly cause such a thing?

He hoped it was simply a strange, one-time fluke as he cleaned the dried flakes of blood from his ear, using a Q-tip to ensure there were no visible traces. He prayed his brother would not discover this. He didn't need to do any more worrying.

 

Just a few straggling groups of students sat scattered about the cafeteria at that time of morning; a few others dragging themselves in, grabbing something for breakfast, and heading back out. The Odinson brothers sat at a table in one of the far corners.

Thor had a heaping pile of steaming pancakes in front of him, and countless plastic packets of maple syrup, several already ripped open and emptied. It was absolute carnage.

Loki had exactly one pancake in front of him that Thor had forced on him, yet untouched as he lazily sat back, painting his nails with black polish.

“These are delicious. Aren't you going to eat yours, brother?” Thor asked.

“You know I'm not a breakfast person.”

“Yes, but you're also not a lunch or dinner person. Or even a snack person.”

Loki smirked.

“Oh hey, can I borrow that when you're done?” A voice beside them said. Loki and Thor looked to find Natasha with a bagel coming up on their table.

She showed Loki her fingernails; painted black and severely chipped. “I kind of didn't let them dry all the way before self-defense class.”

Loki put the brush back in the bottle and screwed it shut before handing it to her. “All yours.”

She grinned and sat next to him, setting her plate down, taking the polish.

“Self-defense class? I thought you could already take on the football team if you had to.” Thor laughed.

“Well, when I say self-defense, I mean advanced judo, possibly completely on the offensive.”

“Remind me not to decline your requests to share my things in the future.” Loki said, an amused look on his face as he took out his phone, carefully so as not to mess up the paint.

Natasha winked at him before she bit into her bagel.

 

Tony leaned back in his chair, tapping a pencil on the 2-person bench desk in front of him, ignoring the annoyed look of the classmate beside him. Today was the first day of second year chemistry. It wasn't exactly necessary for him to be taking the class from a knowledge standpoint, as he already considered himself something of a master chemist. But college will be college in it's set curriculums. And Tony never minded making a fool of teachers with his superior knowledge.

That said, he didn't know why he bothered showing up early. That wasn't like him.

Apparently that wasn't like Loki either, who strode through the door just before the teacher was about to close it.

Tony sat up straight with surprise. Loki was a freshman, what was he doing in second-year chemistry? In Q1, no less?

He watched as the young, raven-haired man pulled his messenger bag off his shoulder and set it down before sitting at the empty desk in the front row, two desks up from where Tony sat.

“Welcome, everyone. I'm Professor Vaughn, and I'll be your teacher for Q1&2 advanced Chem…” The teacher began his introduction.

Tony zoned out, however; and after a short while he realized he completely missed everything the teacher had been saying while staring at the back of Loki’s lovely, pale neck.

“…so, whoever you decide on as your lab partner today, you'll be stuck with for the rest of the quarter. I'll give you a few minutes.”

Tony perked up at that, and immediately stood up from his chair, nearly knocking it over. The other students started mingling, making friends, trying to divide up the friends they already had. But Tony knew exactly who he wanted as his lab partner.

“Will you accompany me to the chemistry ball, m’lady?”

Loki raised an eyebrow at Tony, who had appeared grinning beside his desk. “If you find my missing glass converse, sure.”

Tony snorted a laugh and plopped himself down in the empty seat beside Loki. He was typing something into his phone, and Tony noticed his black nails. Hot. “So how’d you manage to get into this class as a freshman?”

Loki had an absent look. “I took some courses at the community college while in high school, one of them was first-year chemistry.”

Tony grinned, “Impressive. What's your major?”

“Dualing in biochem and astronomy. You?”

“Engineering.” Tony folded his arms. “Dual major, huh? That's aggressive.”

Loki shrugged. “Thor overfills his plate with food, I overfill mine with learning.” He had an amused half-smile. “Seems a genetic tendency.”

Tony leaned back, smirking. Cute _and_ clever? He’ll take it.

 

After chemistry had let out, Loki was on to his math class. He had an idea of where it was, but he wasn't quite certain. He had time before class started, though, so he didn't bother looking at the school map on the Rinhaven student app, and just walked on in the direction he thought it might be.

After a short while, he found himself in a hallway that was devoid of any other person. Most of the doors seemed to be bathrooms or closets, with the occasional empty classroom. He wondered if this area was even being utilized by the school.

Suddenly, the ceiling lights started flickering, a quiet buzzing emitting from them. Loki stopped and looked up in surprise as the hall became dim, lights slowly going out. Were they being shut off from lack of use? Strange timing, if so.

Then, he noticed a pricking feeling in his skin, and realized that the air had suddenly dropped in temperature. He looked around, brows furrowed, and was startled when he noticed his breath visibly condensing in the air.

“What the hell..?” Loki whispered to himself, the air swirling with his breathy words.

Then, his eyes widened in complete shock as he watched glistening ice form rapidly on the walls and floor, extending out in sharp points, icicles extending down from the ceiling. The ice crackled as it formed, splitting, growing in size.

Loki began to back away, heart pounding in his chest, as the ice advanced on him. He turned his head and saw far back down the hall he had came from, a light beamed in the darkness. Ice formed all along the walls, but seemed to be forming more slowly far down. Perhaps he could make it before the ice enveloped him.

With ragged, panicked breath he began walking briskly back down the hall, picking up the pace as he went. The ice shot up all around him, one flowering boulder of it touching his skin, and he hissed with pain; it was so cold it nearly burned, and he started running. The light was getting closer and closer, if he just ran faster maybe he would make it before-

But suddenly he stopped, something had caught his eye.

One of the doors had a glass window; though it was black inside the room, so he could see his reflection. And he stared at it in horror.

His skin was blue and rippled; strange, swirling patterns in darker and lighter blues framing his face. And his eyes… they were like blood. Like the blood gushing from his ears in his dream…

“Loki?”

Loki whirled around, eyes wide like a caged animal. But then he blinked.

The lights were back on. The air was comfortable. His breath wasn't visible. There was no ice. He was staring into the concerned-looking eyes of Thor’s friend Clint.

Loki blinked and looked down at his hands. Pale. Not blue. His breath rushed out through his lips with relief.

“Are you okay?”

Loki flushed a little. “Oh, yes. Just got dizzy for a moment. Haven't eaten today.”

Clint raised an eyebrow.

Loki dipped his head and turned to head back down the hallway, “I'll, uh, see you at lunch.”

Clint watched him walk away with a quizzical expression. “Yeah.”

 

Loki wanted to kick himself. He should have known it wasn't real. He’d nearly blown his cover. Again. He leaned against the wall in an empty corridor and sighed.

What the hell was that about, anyway? Sure, he hallucinated plenty quite often, but never to that extent outside psychotic episodes. And he always felt those episodes coming on.

He'd never snapped right out of an episode before, either. This was all a strange, new experience. He wanted to just chalk it up to stress. New country, new school, new schedule, no parents, etc. Plenty of reasons to be stressed out.

Regardless, he knew one thing for certain. Thor was absolutely _not_ going to hear a word about this.

 

In the shadows of an adjacent corridor, a young man watched Loki. The man brushed his white hair from his eyes, and started, unseen, back down the hall.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

“Sometimes, all it takes to crack a problem is a new perspective.”

― _Children of Time_

 

Later that day, Loki brought a book to lunch to distract himself from the concerning things that had been happening lately. He knew Thor disproved of that, and normally he would at least try to join in on the conversations for his sake. But today he needed a breather.

Leaving his lunch untouched, Loki turned a page, scanned his eyes over it quickly, and let his subconscious drink it in.

“Whatchya reading?”

Loki held back an annoyed expression. Tony was looking at him with interest. He flipped the cover back so he could read the title.

“ _Stem Cell Therapy: A Rising Tide_.” Tony read. “I thought you were into biochem and stars or some shit?”

“Majoring, sure. I've got _Thermodynamics: An Engineering Approach_ and something on Metaphysics lined up after this.”

Tony grinned. “So you really are more than a pretty face.”

Loki wasn't sure how to answer that.

“Have you read that one before?” Tony moved on.

“Hm? No, why?”

“Because you've looked at each page for a maximum of, like, 8 seconds.”

_…caught red handed…_

_…fool…_

Loki’s ears went a bit pink, “Oh. I just read fast.”

Tony looked surprised. “Seriously? And you actually get information out of it?”

“I wouldn't waste my time if I didn't.”

Tony was thoroughly impressed, if doubtful.

 

The rest of the school week went by without any more strange incidents, to Loki’s relief. No vivid dreams, no bleeding ears, no hallucinations beyond the normal, subtle ones. It must have been stress, he concluded.

Didn't stop him or the voices from worrying any of it might happen again all week, of course.

_…only a matter of time…_

_…they’ll find you…_

_…bleed out in your sleep…_

_…you'll deserve it though…_

_…leave him alone…_

_…useless…_

“Shut up.” Loki muttered to himself, exhausted of stressing out about this.

“Hm?” Tony looked at him from his seat beside him.

“Nothing.” Loki didn't meet his gaze, instead brushing his hair from his face and focusing on the chapter review questions they had been given by the chemistry teacher.

Tony studied his face. Over the week, he'd noticed Loki muttered to himself quite often, though he could never make out what he said, as curious as he was. He read once that that was a sign of genius, though. Plus, it was kinda cute.

Unbeknownst to Tony, Loki wasn't actually focusing on the review; he was thinking of Tony in return, though in a different way.

The voices had something to say about every person he saw, heard, or was near. They spoke about physical attributes, noted behaviors and expressions, and predicted actions. He found this very useful over the years, aiding him in understanding body language and reading undertones. It gave him insight on what kind of persona to put on around what people, who he knew he could feel safe around, and who to avoid.

Never in his life had there ever been anyone the voices did not speak to him about. Until the first day of school here at Rinhaven.

He remembered his feeling of shock when Tony Stark first offered his hand to shake, how of all the tens of voices, not one had a word to say about the man. He tried not to let it visibly bother him, tried not to let himself stare warily at Tony, but he was deeply disturbed. The first time in his life, he had no idea what to expect from a person.

Sure, he had his non-vocal instinct, but to be honest, that instinct hadn't developed much, as he usually relied on the voices. He did feel like he didn't need to be afraid of Tony, but he wasn't sure he could trust himself on that matter. Maybe there was some danger he was missing the signs for.

Still, Tony was friends with his brother. He supposed that would have to be enough to prove his character as relatively safe.

It was almost exciting, in a way, to not know what to expect. But the mystery persisted. What could possibly be so different about this man that drove the voices to silence? Or, ignorance?

“You coming to Bourdeaux's tonight?” Tony snapped him out of his thoughts.

It was Loki’s turn to say, “Hm?”

“Oh, did Thor not tell you?” Tony tapped his fingers on the desk. “We’re all going out to eat to celebrate surviving the first week of school. Bourdeaux’s is happy to slip some underage booze if you tip ‘em good. You down?”

Loki blinked, thinking. He wasn't used to being invited to things by anyone other than Thor. And the fact that the voices weren't giving him any insight, he couldn't decipher whether it would be a bad idea to decline. So, despite his preference to just go back to the condo and relax that night, he opted to try to stay on Tony’s good side. “Sure.”

 

“I still can't believe you are actually going out with us.” Thor reiterated as the brothers walked down the city street side-by-side. “I thought you would want to go straight home to your books!”

Loki shrugged, gazing at the grass lining the sidewalk. He was having a funny, minor hallucination that the blades were all twirling in place, like thousands of tiny, green dancers. “I thought it would be rude to decline Stark’s invitation.”

Thor grinned. “So that's what it takes to get you out of the house, eh? Anyone other than me or our parents asking?”

“Oh, don't even think about it. I'll feel comfortable saying no eventually.” He shook his head and the grass was back to its regular, gentle sway in the nighttime breeze.

_…again and again…_

_…is there no end?…_

“Oh, here we are.” Thor stopped in front of the restaurant, which sat nestled between clothing stores on the Main Street. Loki followed his brother as he headed into the building.

“Table for two?” The greeter asked.

“Our friends are here somewhere, under Stark I believe?” Thor told her.

“Ah, yes. Follow me.” The woman smiled, grabbing a couple of menus and leading the boys deeper into the restaurant.

Rounding a turn, they found the group seated in a secluded corner.

“Heeeyy, theres our favorite Englishmen!” Tony was evidently already buzzed. “How about a pint of the special for the big guy, honey?” He grinned at the greeter. Thor laughed as he sat down across from Tony, and beside Jane, who was sipping on some mixed drink.

The woman nodded. “I'll let the waitress know. Anything for you, sweetie?” She addressed Loki as he sat himself down next to Thor.

“Just water, thank you.”

“You look like a margarita kinda guy.” Tony said. “He’ll have a margarita.” He grinned at the woman.

“You got it.”

Loki raised an eyebrow at Tony, but said nothing. Maybe he should have just gone home.

In the end, though, the group as a team managed to get some alcohol into him, after copious amounts of peer pressure and threats from Natasha. His face was pink from it, and he had certainly loosened up. He started rambling, cursing, tripping up over his words, and found his brain short circuiting on the most simple of comprehensions.

“…and then he asked the driver what the fuck that sound was, so he… shit what did he do, Thor...?”

“I didn't hear a word you said over ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’” Thor had been laughing so hard at the uncharacteristic things coming from his brother’s mouth that there were tears streaming down his face. In fact, most of the group had tears in their eyes at this point.

Even the voices seemed to be drunk.

_…you lookin at me like that, bitch…_

_…where's… hmm…_

_…is there more croutons…_

They had been at the restaurant for several hours now, food had come and gone. They had shared appetizers and eaten their main dishes; except perhaps Loki, who ate a few croutons from one of the salads, the cherry from one of Jane’s drinks, and nothing more.

That was partially the reason why, sometime near midnight, Loki had his head on the table and his eyes closed.

“Jesus, he had _one drink_.” Tony choked out with laughter.

Thor grinned, “My brother is a notorious lightweight, and I'm fairly certain he's eaten nothing since lunchtime.” He prodded his slumped-over brother, receiving a half-asleep grumble of complaint. “I suppose I should get him home.”

Jane yawned, “Yeah, and I have to work tomorrow.”

Tony, who had made a severely underlined mental note to definitely get Loki drunk again, insisted on paying everyone’s tab.

 

Loki didn't wake up until 1PM the next day. And when he did, he really didn't want to. The bed was so nice, the blanket so soft as it was scrunched up around him, twisted from tossing. He had a feeling the mild pounding in his head would turn into a jackhammer if he sat up.

_…wasting time…_

_…you'll never find it…_

_…go back to sleep…_

_…worthless…_

Loki opened his eyes and promptly rolled them. Couldn't they leave him alone for one day?

The first one was right, though. He had books to read, patterns to draw. And not enough time.

He eventually managed to drag himself out of bed, struggling to keep his eyes open, and out his bedroom door into the kitchen. He rubbed an eye and looked around. The couch was pulled out into a bed, blankets strewn about. The voices suggested Jane must have slept over.

_…soon she’ll get your room and you'll be gone…_

_…are you stupid? She’ll share Thor’s room…_

_…only space for one…_

Loki opted to make himself some cinnamon toast to calm the nausea in his stomach. As he waited for the toaster, he stared into the metallic surface, watching the reflections swirl and take on shapes resembling Salvador Dali’s animals, crawling along on their spindly legs.

“Oh, good afternoon, brother!”

Loki shook off the vision and glanced over to see Thor coming in through the front door.

_…looks like he's had a good day…_

“You look like you've been having a good day.” Loki said.

“Oh yes! The weather is lovely today!” Thor grinned, his face glistening with sweat as he headed over to the fridge to grab a Gatorade. “You should get some fresh air today, brother. While the nice weather lasts!”

_…might be patterns out there…_

“Perhaps a bit later.”

“Well, I am down at the field if you have need of me!” Thor said cheerfully before he went back out the door.

 

About an hour later, Loki found himself strolling down the well-manicured neighborhood street. It really was a lovely day. Warm and sunny, the air fragrant, birds chirping. Loki saw colors drifting through the air, a different color for each scent.

A few people were out and about, doing house or lawn maintenance, but the road was mostly quiet. Peaceful. Loki had his hands in his pockets as he walked on, taking in the world around him.

Eventually he came upon an empty lot of cleared dirt.

_…new construction…_

_…more neighbors means less peace…_

The lot had large, deep puddles from where it rained hard two nights ago. The sun glittered on the breeze-rippled surface, little faces of light changing expressions as they moved. Loki stood staring at the puddle for a few moments, hands in his pockets.

Suddenly, hundreds of black birds erupted out of the ground beneath his feet,, startling Loki, who yelped with surprise and stumbled back; mad chirping and wings fluttering all around him.

Then, they were gone, and he was left trying to catch his breath and looking around wildly.

Before the panic completely subsided, out of the corner of his eye Loki saw movement. He whipped his face towards it and, to his relief, saw it was just someone jogging along the road.

The young man was quick, and had white hair. He caught sight of Loki, and, to Loki’s bewilderment, narrowed his eyes with hostility.

_…watch out for this one…_

_…doesn't like you…_

_…can you blame him?…_

Their eyes kept locked while the man jogged by, his face full of contempt, as though he wouldn't be unhappy to see Loki drowning in that puddle. When the man finally broke the glare and jogged away, Loki realized he'd been holding his breath.

Who could that have been? Loki had never met him before. What could have caused him to hold someone he’d never interacted with in such contempt?

Loki shook his head. Perhaps the man just hated everyone. He should not think anything of it.

_…you know that's not true…_

_…maybe he just senses how broken you are…_

Loki heard a chirping and looked up. A large flock of black birds, like the ones he just hallucinated. They were flying in an odd formation.

He looked back down at the puddle, seeing the flock of birds reflected within it.

_…connect the dots…_

Before he missed his chance, Loki stepped back to look at the reflection of the birds and the actual flock simultaneously, and took a mental picture. His mind was already drawing lines between each bird and its reflection, but later he could try new combinations, with the proper tools.

 

“I think I'm in love with a man, Bruce.”

“That's not the most surprising thing I've heard you say.” Bruce Banner said as he twirled spaghetti around on his fork.

Tony smirked. “Yeah, that's true.”

Bruce Banner was Tony’s best friend, and his science buddy. Unfortunately, he didn't see him a whole lot. Bruce worked and stayed a few states away from his home town. At just 20 years old, he was a big-shot scientist with a big future and a big contributor to the science world. Sometimes Tony felt green with envy that Bruce wasn't being forced to go through college.

Sometimes he’ll visit for a weekend, though, and the two usually made plans to hang out while they could.

“I may just be feigning interest to be a good friend, but tell me about him.” Bruce said, brutally honest as always. “Since you're going to anyway.”

“Oh, you'd love him. He's some kind of fuckin’ savant.” Tony picked a meatball out of his spaghetti and ate it. “He’s all like, quiet and polite and shit, but his wit is on fire. But he's also completely clueless, and it's adorable.”

“Jeez, you got it bad.”

“Did I mention he's hot?”

“When’s the wedding?”

“We’re skipping it and going straight to the consumation part. Hey, how's that project you've been working on, by the way?”

Bruce adjusted his glasses. “We ran into a lot of hiccups, as I figured. But we've been getting some really positive results too.” He smiled. “Just think of it, Tony. We could be just a few years away from curing cancer.”

Tony smiled wide, “That's fantastic, Bruce. You better mention your best friend in your Nobel prize speech.”

“Who, Jim?”

“Very funny.” Tony leaned back, looking thoughtful. “Hey, you wouldn't happen to have a copy of that book you wrote? The unreleased one?”

“Uhh, yeah but it's not proofread or in the final cut yet.”

“Perfect.” Tony grinned.

 

**What time will you be home?**

**Probably not until late. Do you need me?**

**No, just curious. Have fun.**

**Well if you need me I'll be home in a flash :)**

 

Loki had the condo to himself, then. Good. Thor wouldn't approve of the methods he was about to use.

_…quickly…_

_...much to do..:_

He ran around the house and collected every roll of string he could find, a container full of colored tacks, tape, small stones, and a stepstool.

In his bedroom, he set to work. He tied one end of a long cut of string to each individual tack, plenty long for maneuvering room. A bit precariously, he stepped up onto the stool, and began impaling the ceiling with the tacks in the pattern from his memory, allowing the strings to drop down. Then, he recreated that pattern in small tape squares on the floor.

Finally, he tied the other ends of the strings to the stones, and set them on their direct paths. It was all a tedious job that took him the good part of an hour; precious time he would have rather not have wasted.

When he finally felt ready, he went into his closet, and fetched a bundle. He poked his head out of his room to ensure the coast was clear, before shutting the door and locking it. He then carefully unwrapped he bundle.

_…pathetic, needy…_

_…no, it's the only way…_

The bundle was full of mushrooms, and Loki picked out a few before wrapping the rest back up and setting the bundle back in its hiding place. Then, he went and sat on the floor, facing his cascade of strings, and ate the mushrooms.

Sitting cross-legged, he waited, studying the strings. Eventually, the familiar nausea began, which he ignored. Then, the colors of the tacks began to glow, vibrate. The wall and ceiling began to glitter, and the strings writhed like snakes.

_…open your eye…_

Loki drew in a sharp breath as he felt visions begin to flood through his mind. Birds, masses of black birds and feathers and beady eyes and beaks. Flapping all around, cawing, screeching. Madness. Chaos.

_…stop…_

Loki opened his eyes with a determined expression, and the vision paused. His surroundings were the sky at dusk, salt planes that went on forever, and alkaline ponds dotting the landscape. The birds stopped in the air, in the precise locations of his tacks. Below them was a pond, reflecting them.

Each had a tie to its reflection, a glowing green string. Loki got too his feet, and ran his hand daintily along one of the strings. The glowing color misted around his fingers.

He felt a tingling, and he moved the string, made the end meet a different bird’s reflection. That felt more right. The next one. The next one itches too. He moved it as well.

Over what felt like hours, Loki carefully rearranged the strings in a new pattern. Eventually, he didn't feel such an itching anymore, and sat down on the ground. He felt the sand salt between his fingers, warm under his feet. The air was thick and laden and smelled like a hundred seas.

Loki was tired now, and he lay back in the sand, turning his head to watch the sunset. The sand wrapped him like a cradle, and he drifted to sleep, calm and content.


	5. Chapter 5

****

**Chapter 5**

“I always felt such pity for you humans because you could only think of one thing at a time and your memories were so imperfect…”

― _Children of the Mind_

 

_…awake and see the new day…_

When Loki awoke, the sun was going down, pinks and purples drizzling in through the window. He realized he was on his side on the floor, and vaguely remembered the events leading up. It all felt like a dream. And maybe it was.

But as he lifted his head with effort, he saw the strings cascading down from the ceiling, light from the window setting the light fibers on fire.

_…get up and see the new day…_

_…get up…_

Loki struggled into a sitting position, rubbing his eyes.

_…to your feet…_

_…see the sun in its fractal waves…_

He managed to get to his feet, eyes locked on to the strings, and began to circle them. As he walked slowly, his mind highlighted patterns he saw within.

_…there!…_

_…do you see it?…_

He stopped and stared. At this angle, the strings aligned perfectly into an intricate, beautiful pattern. What seemed like a chaotic mass from any other point was made symmetrical in this one spot. Loki was stunned. Quickly, he broke out his paper pad and began sketching the pattern.

When he was finished, he hopped over to his bed and picked up his cellphone. He brought up the email app, and began to compose.

 

**Asav,**

**When are you next coming to America?**

**-Loki**

**For you my friend, next weekend.**

**-Asav**

 

Loki smiled.

 

Technology was not often a reliable thing. It always seemed to fail when you need it most. For Professor Vaughn, it failed on the day that he was going to present a video that explained the content of today’s lesson in easy-to-understand, graphical terms. A video series that had been very well-received in all his classes in the past.

“Well,” the professor sighed. “I guess we’re doing things the old fashioned way today. We’ll take turns reading the chapter by a few paragraphs. Liana, would you like to start us off?”

By the time they had reached Tony and Loki’s row, Tony was about ready to nod off.

He woke up when it was Loki’s turn, though. He never got tired of listening to his voice. His English way of pronouncing things was captivating.

After a bit of the way through, however, Tony noticed something strange. Though Loki was reading, word-for-word, exactly what he should be, his phone was displaying completely the wrong page. Tony watched to make sure it hadn't just skipped back by mistake, but no; Loki didn't skip a beat, reciting the words, without actually looking at the words he was supposedly reading. How peculiar.

When Loki finished reading, Tony watched him close the app, and begin sketching what looked like chemical formulas connected in an intricate pattern on his sketchbook app. This man never ceased to make Tony wonder.

After class had ended, Tony followed behind Loki as he exited the room.

“So, I noticed something funny today.” Tony started.

Loki raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”

“You totally weren't reading from the book. You had your phone on the wrong page.”

Loki’s face flushed. “Oh.” He didn't meet Tony’s gaze.

_…caught again…_

_…foolish boy..._

“Care to explain?” Tony grinned. “I won't tell.”

“I just… have very good memory, and I already read the chapter.” Loki looked down.

“Like, photographic memory?”

Loki had a sly smile. “Something like that.”

“Oho, mysterious.” Tony fished through his backpack and pulled out a book. “Alright, Mr. reads 100 pages per minute and remembers everything word-for-word; I have a challenge for you.” He handed Loki the book.

“What's this?”

“This is an unreleased book a friend of mine wrote; so I know for certain you haven't read it before. We’re gonna do a little science experiment.” He grinned. “You read that as fast as you freakishly can, and then I'll ask you a question about some obscure portion of it when you're done.”

Loki looked hesitant for a long moment, as if fighting himself on whether to reject his challenge or not. His brow was furrowed, and Tony was worried he might actually say no.

In the end though, he had a small smile. “Give me two hours.”

 

Loki was walking to his math class when he heard a whistle.

_…here we go again…_

“Well hello there pretty boy, don't you wanna be with a real man?”

Loki glanced sideways at a group of guys hanging out at their lockers. He heard a few of them snickering, whispering various things like ‘what a fag’ and ‘he’d be all over Jay’.

This ‘Jay’, the one who made the catcall, was big and muscled, certainly handsome. He had a sly smirk on his face, one that oozed superiority. The voices gave Loki some very useful insight on him.

_…do it, he’ll leave you right alone…_

Loki slowly strode up to the second-year who had called him out, drawing out his steps, a dangerous yet alluring look on his face. He heard ‘ooohs’ and laughter from the other boys as he grabbed Jay by the collar and dragged his face down to his level. The young man’s expression quivered slightly.

“How about I let your friends know you weren't really being sarcastic about that?” He whispered in his ear, voice pleasant but the venom dripping from his tongue. “I could tell them all about that skinny first year boy toy of yours. What's his name? Colin?”

When he released his collar, Jay’s face was pale as snow, no humor in his expression anymore. His friends were looking at him, wondering what the raven-haired young man had told him to elicit such a response. Loki turned and walked away, damage done. He knew this group was just one of many happy to make fun of guys who didn't look very masculine, but this one, at least, wouldn't bother him anymore. Not while he had something over their leader. If only they were all so easy.

 

Thor and Jane caught up to Loki on the way to lunch.

“Brother! How goes your day?” Thor asked cheerfully. He and Jane were holding hands.

“Fine. Yours?”

“Oh splendid! I have been accepted into the American football team!”

Loki smiled, “That's wonderful, Thor. Granted, they'd have to be stupid not to take you.”

Jane grinned, “That's what I told him.”

“Hey, Thor!” They heard a voice behind them, and turned to see Steve jogging up. “I heard the news, congratulations, big guy! Not many first-years make the team.”

Thor smiled, “Granted, I am the age of a second-year.”

“Still! Looking forward to having you on the team with me.”

“As am I!” Thor beamed.

Loki was glad his brother was finding himself so well here, at this school, in this town. If there was anything that brought him as much joy as finding a new sacral patterna, it was seeing Thor happy. He deserved it, for all he'd sacrificed for Loki over the years.

The four friends reached the cafeteria, where Tony, Nat and Clint were already sitting in the usual corner table.

After they’d gotten settled down, Loki handed Tony the book he had lent him. “Interesting theories in here.”

“Seriously? That wasn't even two hours!”

Loki shrugged, “I got the math test done early.”

“Jesus.” Tony sat back, arms folded. “Alright. Page 136. What's the main theory he wrote about there.”

Loki almost looked like he was listening to something for a moment, eyes looking up. “Ah, the Hyde theory. That was about how a human could potentially carry two forms of itself via genes within the DNA that are flipped on and off by hormonal triggers.”

Tony blinked, staring at him incredulously. “Fuck. Seriously? How the hell..?” He shook his head. “That's insane.”

“What, the Hyde theory or my memory?”

“Well, technically both but considering I already read the book.”

Loki smirked, picking at the macaroni in front of him with his fork.

“It's gotta be photographic memory. There's no other explaination.”

“If you say so.” Loki looked sly.

Tony’s eyebrows furrowed, and he stared at Loki, trying to figure him out.

“Brother, eat your delightful cheese noodles!” Thor scolded.

Loki sighed.

 

Loki and Tony’s chemistry class had been given an assignment on researching famous chemists and writing in detail some of their world-changing experiments. Bonus credit was due for successfully recreating one of the experiments. Loki told Tony he’d like to look in the library for books on famous chemists.

“Seriously? You've got the whole internet at your fingertips, with keyword searches and the blessed CTRL+F, and you wanna flip through books?”

“I guess so.”

“Well… Alright. I guess I'll join you.”

Not too many people visited the school library those days. A good portion of the student body, but not as many as in the past. Thankfully, that meant the library was very quiet and peaceful.

The two boys spent some time rummaging through the science and biography sections. At one point Tony lost sight of his lab partner.

“Loki?” Tony called out in a loud whisper. He started wandering the library, looking through the different sections. Maybe he had left…?

“Loki?” He said a bit louder. Finally, a head popped out from behind one of the far sections.

“Over here.” He said, before disappearing again.

Tony blinked and went over.

“The fuck are you doing in the realistic fiction sect- oh.” When Tony had walked far enough down through the section, he came across a cubby of an area that had a table and chairs, he never knew this was here.

Loki was seated at the table with a pile of books, scanning his eyes over one of them, legs crossed elegantly.

Tony smiled and carried his far smaller pile over, joining Loki at the table and putting his feet up.

“Why’d you pick this spot?”

“Literally no one ever comes in this section. Someone could send out a missing person’s report on me and they’d never find me here.”

Tony grinned, “Neat.” And now he had a private little place only he and Loki knew about. This could be interesting.

 

Loki decided to wait until Friday before telling Thor about his weekend plans. He had always been supportive, but he knew it made him uncomfortable.

“He followed you all the way here…?” Thor said carefully, not meeting his brother’s gaze.

“You know he travels everywhere, Thor. America is one of his many stops.”

“But this town specifically?”

_…he sounds suspicious…_

_…can't blame him…_

_…it's out of love…_

“He will go wherever he has clients. I'm not special.” Loki told him with a sigh.

_...he doesn’t believe that and neither do you..._

“Alright… it is your choice, brother.” Thor nodded wistfully. “Do you need me to come with you?”

“No, I'll be fine. It's not like I haven't gone alone before.”

“I suppose… still, if you change your mind, I do not have plans Saturday. Only Sunday.”

“What's happening Sunday?”

“Oh yes! Stark is having us and a few other friends over for a party.” Thor grinned.

“Hm.” Loki wondered why he hadn't been invited. But he was relieved not to have been. Parties were not his thing at all. Perhaps Tony had meant that by inviting Thor he was automatically inviting Loki as well, but the fact that he had not directly asked was excuse enough to get out of it.

Unfortunately, the man in question had other plans.

Later, after lunch, Tony caught Loki by himself in the hallway. “Hey, partner! You doing anything this Sunday?”

Loki winced. So he wasn't free after all.

_…no rest for the twisted…_

“Reading, probably.”

“Well hey, you should put down the books and come by my place a little later.” He grinned charmingly. “I'm having a party, your brother is coming.”

Loki grit his teeth. “I'm not much of a partier.”

“Yeah, I figured that much. That's why I'm not actually asking you to come for the party.”

“Oh?” Loki couldn't figure out his expression. As usual, the voices held no insight for him, to his frustration.

“I've got the most well-equipped laboratory you’ll ever see in your life, I thought you might want to check it out.”

Loki blinked, thoughts running through his head. He’d put out very good bait indeed. If this lab was equipped in a certain way, Loki could potentially find use in this friendship. And there was only one way to find that out.

“You got me.” Loki said, a bit of a smile crossing his face.

Tony smirked and winked, “See you Sunday!” And then he turned into his classroom.

 

10:00 AM Saturday came around, and Loki had found himself in the city. The air was a bit nippy, so he wore a black neck scarf over his green long-sleeve. He didn't bother with a hot beverage, though. He’d be getting that soon enough.

He stepped up to an apartment complex, and rang in for one of them. The door unlocked with a click, and Loki went in. He headed up the inner stairs to the floor he wanted, and found his way to the correct apartment. This apartment had an intricately-designed wreath hanging on it. Loki knocks on the door.

After a moment, the door opened, and he was greeted by an older Indian man.

“Ah, Loki! My young friend. Come in! I am heating up my special brew right now.” The man had a mild accent and a big smile as he moved to allow Loki inside.

Loki smiled back, and headed in. The smell of incense wafted into the hallway before the door clicked shut behind him.

 


	6. Chapter 6

****

**Chapter 6**

“In my dreams… I'm never sure whether I'm really me.”

― _Ender's Game_

 

On Sunday morning, Thor and Loki were eating breakfast together. Loki looked more tired than usual, his hair going in every direction. Thor wanted to ask him about it, but he already knew the answer, and knew it was best to leave it alone.

So, instead, he said, “I'm going to Stark’s later this afternoon for a party, in case you've forgotten.”

“Yes. As am I.”

Thor looked surprised and furrowed his brow. “You are… going to Stark’s party? I thought you did not do parties?”

“I don't. Stark invited me to see his laboratory.”

Thor’s face twitched. “Have care around that man, Loki.”

Loki blinked at him. “What do you mean?”

“Just… don't let him too close.”

 

It was around 2:00 PM when Thor parked his car in the massive parking lot next to the Stark mansion. Seriously, who had their own parking lot? The sound of throbbing music could already be heard inside. Loki already had a headache from his pain, and winced at the sound. Perhaps this hadn't been a good idea after all.

_…necessary…_

_…break through it…_

_…weak…_

“Are you sure about this?” Thor asked his brother carefully.

Loki nodded. “I'll be fine.”

They both got out of the car, Loki a bit slow. Thor looked at him with concern but said nothing. Then they both headed up the long set of stairs.

Loki was wearing a grey sleeveless shir with a long, black hooded sweater over it, made of thin cotton material, and black fitted pants. Thor wore his usual unimaginative T-shirt and jeans.

Upon entering the premesis, the brothers saw about 50 people already inside, chatting, drinking and snacking. A “few friends”, eh? They saw Nat hitting it off with someone they didn't recognize, and eventually found Steve and Jane at the bar- who has their own bar?!

“Hey guys! You're late!” Jane laughed, clearly already buzzed.

Thor grinned, went over and put his arm around her, “Clearly the party did not in fact arrive with me! Do tell me you saved me some alcohol.”

Loki leaned with his back against the bar, only absently listening to the conversation. He closed his eyes, listening to all the words swimming through the air around him. The real people, and the voices trying to tell him what their words meant. At least with his eyes closed they had no visual stimulus to work from, save the things he had already seen.

“Can I get you a drink?” Asked a voice right behind him, nearly on his neck.

Loki opened his eyes and turned his head, and saw Tony behind the bar, pulling out a bottle of whiskey and a shot glass.

“No thanks.”

“You sure?” He poured himself a shot. “Well, I'm having one.” Tony threw the shot back and grimaced, then noticed Thor looking his way. He had narrowed, suspicious eyes. Tony blinked, and suddenly had an idea why Thor might not be overly pleased with him. He gave him his most reassuring smile before turning back to Loki, sweating a little.

“So, uh, shall we venture to the lab now, or?”

Loki was rubbing his arm and had a funny, almost pained look on his face. “Sure.”

Tony couldn't help but notice Thor watching out of the corner of his eye as he led Loki to the back of the room.

Of course, Tony couldn't help imagining the exact thing Thor was likely afraid of. He wished he was leading this beautiful, pale man to his bedroom for some lovemaking. Pulling his dark hair back and biting that neck…

Tony shivered and shook it off, clearing his mind. If he wasn't careful he might involuntarily push Loki into the wall and kiss him silly before he realized it.

They descended the stairs; Tony deciding not to take the elevator because he wasn't sure he could handle being in a tiny enclosed space with Loki this moment; until they reached the glass doors to his laboratory. Loki’s eyes were wide from the scale of it.

Tony put the code into the door and opened it up, stepping aside and gesturing inside. “Mi laboratorio, tu laboratorio.”

Loki slowly walked into the bright room, gleaming with white floors and walls. Within there was engineering equipment, but also, more to Loki’s interest, shelves of chemicals and microscopes and petrie dishes. Various equipment for distilling, heating, analyzing and any other chemical working Loki could think of. This lab was a dream.

“I thought you did mechanical engineering?” Loki said, a dazed expression in his face.

“Oh I do. That friend of mine that wrote that book I lent you, Bruce? He used to live around here and I let him use my lab.”

While that was true, it had been long enough since Bruce had been around that most of his bioengineering supplies had been stored away and left to the dust, the rest of the space reclaimed by Tony. But recently, Tony had decided to restore the lab to what it was back then, buying new equipment and supplies, because he knew that would interest Loki. It meant sacrificing some of his rigs, but that would be worth it if it meant Loki would stick around.

“You're free to come by and play with it anytime you want, like Bruce used to.” Tony set the bait out. “He certainly doesn't use it anymore.”

Loki turned and looked at him, eyes wide. “Really?”

“Yeah, I mean, probably don't cook meth or make any bombs? But otherwise go for it.”

Loki made his way over to one of the tables and examined the equipment, ideas formulating already. He ran his dainty fingers along the table, black nails popping against the white of the table.

_…this will do nicely…_

_…take it…_

_…you'll never find it this way…_

_…he will… he will find… something..,_

Tony wandered forward, hands clasped behind his back, pleased by the thrilled look on Loki’s face.

“I can get my hands on anything else you'd want, too. One of the perks of being the son of a- oh hey, is that a tattoo?”

Loki started. He realized his sweater had slipped down a bit from his thin shoulders. He quickly pulled it back up, wincing when he lifted his arm to do so.

_…why do you keep failing?…_

_…such a disappointment…_

“No need to be shy.” Tony grinned. “Tattoos are hot.”

Loki turned, leaning his back against the table, folding his arms. Tony saw his face was a bit red. “I guess I'm just used to hiding it. My father wouldn't approve if he knew.” Then he was wincing again, and rubbing his shoulder.

“Did you get a shot or something?”

Loki looked thoughtful for a moment, and then he let his sweater slip down well below his shoulder. Tony stared when he saw his shoulder and upper arm was covered in plastic, tape keeping it snug. Beneath the plastic was angry red flesh, and inked lines.

“Just added to it yesterday.” He said softly.

At first Tony felt a bit scandalous being shown his shoulder like that, but now he was mesmerized by the intricate line work he could make out under the plastic.

“Jeez, I’ve never seen tattoos like that. What's it supposed to be?”

“Hmm, long story.”

“I've got time.”

Loki smiled slightly. “Maybe someday.” He pulled his sweater back up. Was there no end to his infuriating mysteriousness?

Instead of pressing further, Tony grinned, “I am definitely having a pool party soon.”

Loki grimaced.

 

_“Loki, you cannot get a tattoo. Mother and father will be greatly displeased!”_

_Loki sighed. “If they saw it, sure. But they won't. It's going to be small, and it's not like I'm ever without a shirt.”_

_Thor shook his head, arms folded. “You are fourteen, Loki. Tattoo artists will not work on you without parental consent, and you obviously will not have that.”_

_“This one will.” Loki argued. “He will tattoo people under eighteen off the books.”_

_“That sounds sketchy, Loki.”_

_“That's why I'm asking you to come.”_

_“Loki…”_

_“If you don't come, I'm going anyway.” Loki growled. “I just thought you'd rather be there for me.”_

_Thor’s eye twitched, but he saw the determination in his brother’s bright green eyes. He knew that look well. That look meant there was no reasoning with him, that he was going to make what he wanted to happen, happen. No matter what._

_And he was right. Though Thor did not agree with his choice, he could not in good conscience let him go alone. It could be a trap, for all he knew. A creepy man luring young boys with the promise of underage tattoos. He had to protect his little brother._

_Thor sighed, “Alright, brother.I will come with you._

 

It had been a couple of hours since Thor last saw his brother, and he grew worried. He wanted to allow Loki his space, but eventually he could no longer take it and excused himself from his friends. He headed over to the staircase he had seen his brother and Tony disappear down, and began descending, searching.

Thankfully the staircase only seemed to lead to one place, and Thor found the door to Tony’s lab. He peered through the glass and saw who he was looking for, and finally relaxed, fears dissipating.

They were both sitting on the floor, surrounded by scribbled-on papers. Loki had his back against a wall and was writing on a pad of paper. Several holograms floated in the air above them, depicting what looked like chemical formulas, perhaps. They were talking, though Thor couldn't hear what they were saying.

Loki spotted his brother and gave a little wave. Tony followed his gaze and saw Thor, a slight look of fear crossing his eyes before he smiled. He brought up a new hologram and hit the floating buttons. The door opened with a click, and Thor went in.

“This is quite impressive, Stark.” Thor said casually. Tony was relieved to see that he did not appear upset. Getting on Thor’s bad side was a dangerous idea, especially concerning his brother.

“Isn't it?” Loki grinned. “I could do _anything_ in here.”

“I hope you don't intend to create your childhood dream of an eight-legged horse.”

Loki snorted. “No. But I _could_.”

Tony laughed. “I knew my impression of you as a mad scientist was true.”

Loki had a dark smile. “Oh, you have no idea.”

Tony raised an eyebrow, “Should I regret giving you lab access?”

“Don't worry, any resulting abominations will be too small to destroy your house. Probably.”

Thor chuckled and paced around, looking at the papers with his arms folded. “What are you doing?”

“We figured we’d try out some of the equipment by doing our project for chemistry class.” Tony explained.

“Extra credit for reproducing an experiment done by our chosen famous chemist.” Loki added. “We chose Antoine-Laurent Lavoisier’s discovery of oxidation and nitrogen.”

“Is… that safe?” Thor asked uneasily.

“It's science, so probably not.” Loki shrugged, turning back to his notepad, unconcerned.

“I mean, we do have to burn mercury.” Tony grinned.

Thor smiled. Though he still did not trust Tony as a known heartbreaker with dubious intentions, he was glad his brother found a companion who shared his compassion for science, and seemed to have any idea what he was saying. Thor always wished he could be that for his brother, but he just wasn't meant for the sciences.

“Well, I shall leave you to it then!” Thor said, as he began back to the door. Before leaving, he turned back for a moment, “You ah, may want to make an appearance though Tony, people are saying rather scandalous things about your abscence.”

Tony smirked. “Just the way I like it.”

 

The Odinson brothers went right to their dorms at the school rather than the condo that night. It was very late, and they knew they probably would not thank themselves for having to drive to school early in the morning.

Loki was asleep the moment his head hit the pillow. And then, he dreamed.

He found himself on a dark world. The dusty sand beneath his feet was gray, nearly black. The sharp obsidian mountains beyond we're black as the night, and the sky was a gloomy, gray gradient. If there was a sun, it was hidden by overcast.

Loki wandered, his bare feet stinging from the coarse sand like walking through glass shards. There was no sign of life. No plants, no small animals, no insects, no people. The land was barren and hot.

He walked forever, it seemed, until he reached a mountain range. He began climbing where it was not too steep. The obsidian burned his feet, and hands when he needed a handhold. But he kept going.

He was tired, but he didn't want to stop. Staying in one place would burn like standing on hot tar for too long. Eventually, however, he found a shaded crevice. The rock was cool inside, and he went and sat. He gazed out at the gloomy landscape.

Suddenly, Loki heard rocks shifting and turned his head quickly. Nothing was there. But he felt a prickling feeling, the hair on the back of his neck standing upright. He didn't feel like he was alone anymore.

He quickly stood, and looked around. Another sound and he whirled around. Nothing. Loki’s breathing picked up pace.

He began to walk forward, when suddenly, a dark shape fell down directly in front of him, shocking him. His wide eyes met a terrifying sight; a dark humanoid in armor, with white, braided hair and what seemed like a mask. But perhaps it was its face? It was white, with black circles for eyes and an expressionless face. It send a chill through Loki.

More of these creatures appeared, surrounding him. Their cold faces drew closer. Loki felt his heart beating so fast it might jump out of his chest.

Loki turned to run, and heard metallic steps clinking against the obsidian right at his heels. He did not get very far before he was grabbed, yelping at the rough grip as they forced him to the ground on his back.

He stared up in absolute terror as the white, horrific faces looked down at him, emotionless and empty. His back burned on the hot rock and he felt his skin searing off. One of the creatures held up a spear, and Loki tried to scream, but nothing came out.

The creatures were holding down his arms and legs, keeping him pinned, while another grabbed his head and turned it to the side. Loki felt the heat singe the side of his face, and tried to look up from the corner of his eye.

What he saw though, nearly made his heart stop. The creature with the spear had it pointed, positioned directly over Loki’s head.

Before he had a second to cry in protest, the spear was lunged down through Loki’s ear, straight through his skull, and everything went black.

 

Loki bolted upright with a gasp, his breath coming out in horrified whimpers. His hands were trembling violently. He knew in that moment that it had just been a dream, but he couldn't shake the feeling of terror. Sweat drenched him.

He shakily turned his light on and looked down. He realized sweat wasn't the only thing that drenched him. He realized with disbelief that his white pajama shirt was stained red from the shoulders and just down.

He threw back the blankets and, whole body still trembling, tried to get out of bed. He stumbled and fell to one knee, a hand on the ground to catch himself. He tried to calm his breathing, waiting a moment before trying to get to his feet again.

Eventually he managed to get himself into his personal bathroom, and turned the light on. What he saw in the mirror shocked him.

He was paler than a corpse, and shiny with sweat. A river of blood oozed from his ears, dripped down his neck and reddened his shirt. He almost fell again, but managed to catch the door with his hand and carefully lowered himself into a sitting position on the toilet.

He looked down between his legs, breathing panicked, eyes swimming with darkness.

_…running out of time…_


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

“What is it like to be you? A question nobody can step far enough out of their own frame of reference to answer.”

― _Children of Time_

 

Loki seemed more absent-minded than usual that week. Tony bet he and Thor were the only ones who noticed the subtle difference. Maybe Jane as well. Tony couldn't help but notice Thor watching his brother with concern in his eyes. He wondered if he knew anything about it.

Tony certainly didn't understand. He thought things had been going so well. He and Loki really seemed to be hitting it off, especially over the weekend. But come Monday, he was closed off like when they first met.

He wasn't even reading his books anymore. All he seemed interested in was drawing his strange patterns, almost obsessively. Tony noticed him weaving linework on his phone every second he got. Whenever Tony tried to interrupt him by saying something to him, it took him a few tries; and all he gave was short and to the point answers.

Every moment he wasn't answering a teacher, being forced to take a bite of a sandwich, or taking a test, he was drawing shapes. Tony wondered if he was even doing it in his sleep.

Whatever these patterns were, they clearly meant a lot to Loki. A lot more than anything else in his life.

He sighed, and tried to focus on his book. They had made it through most of their pile last week, in this little library cubby of theirs. Now they were focusing on anything they could find on their chosen chemist, Lavoisier. Of course, Loki ate up the books like they were potato chips so he had more to offer 10 to Tony’s 1, but that suited Tony fine.

Suddenly, he heard the sound of books falling behind him, and he turned his head around in surprise. He blinked when he saw Loki standing, staring at the bookshelf behind them, back to Tony, unmoving. Three books were dropped open at his feet.

Loki started backing away slowly, and Tony caught a look at his face and was shocked to see it had drained of any minor color it had had, and his eyes were wide with what looked like terror.

“Uh, Loki? You okay, buddy?”

 

The walls were alive. Hissing. Crooked, sharp teeth, mouths and tongues all over this wall of heaving flesh. Pus and gore dripped down, sometimes falling into the giant eyes that blinked and writhed in response. The floor below him was purple and squirming like a million worms.

Loki backed away, but he heard hissing behind him as well. He whirled around. He was surrounded by these fleshy walls, save one open door. He started towards it, but as he drew closer, the door began to close. He made a dash, but just as he reached it, it had slammed shut. He tried to open it, but it didn't budge. Eyes around it stared at him hungrily, tongues stretching out towards him. He felt something wet slide across his cheek and he gasped and turned, wild-eyed.

What he saw when he turned was worse. A figure, roughly humanoid, made of throbbing muscle tissue and bone. Empty eye sockets stared at him as though seeing, and it's long tongue flicked out. Perhaps that was how it saw.

It walked forward slowly, hands out, long bony fingers with black razor claws. Loki backed up until his back hit the door, and he slid to the ground, in shock and sheer terror as he watched this horrifying monster draw closer. Loki squeezed his eyes shut and he felt the hands grab his arms and dig the claws in, felt his skin pierced. The creature wailed in a sickening, wordless voice again and again and…

“…Loki!”

Loki opened his eyes and blinked. In place of the fleshy walls there were bookcases and windows, the floor was cold and unmoving. The monster that had attacked him replaced by… by someone…

“Tony?”

“Jesus fucking Christ Loki, what the hell was that?” Tony was still gripping his arms. Tightly, but no claws it seemed. The pain was from the tattoo sores.

Loki blinked as it dawned on him what had happened. Then he remembered, all of a sudden, what Thor said about not letting Tony too close, and he shoved the man off, getting to his feet.

He paced forward, trying to calm his breathing. He felt Tony’s eyes on him.

_…over now…_

_…broken…_

_…losing it…_

_…running out of time…_

“Loki?”

Loki pinched between his eyes and sighed. “Nothing.” He muttered.

Tony stood up, walked forward until he was facing Loki.

“Don't you fucking dare. You can't just flip your shit like that and not tell me what's going on.” Tony looked… angry? No, that wasn't it, but… something. Why won't the voices tell him…

Loki sighed and lowered himself into one of the chairs at the table. Tony stayed standing, folding his arms. Loki’s face was still drained of color, and his hands were trembling. He supposed there was no lying his way out of this one. It was fun having a science friend while it lasted.

He couldn't meet Tony’s gaze, so he looked down at his hands instead. “I… that was a psychotic episode. I suffer from psychosis.”

He heard the breath whoosh out of the man above him and chanced a quick look up. He didn't really understand Tony’s expression, but he didn't look as fierce as he did before. Loki looked back down, but watched Tony’s feet as he made his way over to one of the other chairs at the table and sat down.

“Jesus. Why didn't you tell me about that before you scared the shit out of me like this?”

Loki blinked at him. “I… people just… usually think I'm crazy, if they know…” He looked at the floor. “People treat people like me different, when they know. It's… just easier to hide it.”

“What's it like?”

Loki raised an eyebrow, looking up again. Tony had his elbows on the table and was looking at him curiously. He didn't seem upset or disturbed in any way. But it was hard to tell.

“What, psychosis?”

“Yeah. I don't know much.”

“It's… well, I hear voices and simetimes things in the world change in funny ways.” He bit his thumbnail. “I usually know the difference between hallucinationand reality, though. I'm high-functioning.” Maybe there was a way to salvage this. Convince Tony he was fine. No need to be afraid of him. “Complete psychotic breaks almost never happen for me.”

“Do you have to take medication?”

Loki shifted uncomfortably. He wasn't sure if he was ready to delve into that aspect yet. This was all happening too fast. But he had no choice, faced with that question. One thing would lead to another. He might as well fess up.

“I… _have_ medication but I don't usually take it.” He said slowly. “I find the voices useful. The medication mutes them, and I don't… I don't want them to be quiet.”

Tony was rubbing his trim beard, looking like he was thinking. “Useful how?”

“They tell me things. Things I've seen that I didn't really think about. Things I take in subconsciously. They bring up what I've seen and heard when it's useful to me. I think… it's like giving my subconscious, my instincts, a voice.” He thought about how to explain it. “Like you know how people can understand body language subconsciously? Like you know there's something about this guy you don't trust, but you don't really know why. That's your subconscious working with subtle body movements you've internalized without consciously thinking about it, connecting things, seeing patterns. The voices just… tell me exactly what that is. Like ‘we saw his eyes turn up to the right, he's lying’.”

Tony blinked. “That's… actually incredible.”

“I've found it helpful, in many areas of life. I don't want to lose that.” Loki had a determined look. “I'm in control of myself. So I can risk not taking medication.”

“What about that loss of control just now?”

Loki bit his lip, looking down again. There was the clincher. There was the proof that maybe he wasn't in control like he thought. This was what might chase Tony away, in the end. He just prayed he would keep it to himself, after he ran. “That's… honestly? That's only the second time that's ever happened before.”

“Seriously?”

“I mean, I've had a lot of psychotic breaks in my life, but usually I feel it coming and I can take my medication to stop it. This… was different.” He furrowed his brow. “Shit, please don't tell Thor about this.”

“What do you mean?”

Loki ran a hand through his hair, “I… didn't tell him about the last time. He doesn't need to worry about me any more than he does.”

“What if it's something he should be worried about?” Tony reasoned.

Loki shook his head. “No. I'm fine. I think it's just stress, doing funny things to my head.”

Tony frowned, but nodded. “Alright… I won't say anything. But maybe you should take it more seriously.”

Loki sighed.

_…stop wasting time…_

_…running out…_

_…no time…_

“Leave me alone.” Loki muttered under his breath.

“Talking to the voices?”

Loki looked up and blushed. “Some of them are annoying.”

Tony grinned and leaned back, putting his feet up on the table, seeming relaxed.

“So, what do they say about me, then?”

Loki hadn't expected that question. It took a few moments for him to respond. “They… don't talk about you.” His brow was furrowed. “They talk about everyone. Literally _everyone_ , except you.” He confessed, his look of longstanding puzzlement since the first time he discovered this phenomenon.

Tony raised an eyebrow. “I guess I'm just too complex for them.” He grinned charmingly.

Loki wanted to change the subject, so he dare ask the question that had been repeating itself in his mind, said in every way imaginable. “What do you think about all this?” He got out quietly.

Tony looked thoughtful. “Honestly? It explains like, a lot of things. But it doesn't bother me, if that's what you're wondering.” He smiled reassuringly. “Just makes you that much more interesting.”

Loki felt his ears burn at that unexpected response, and he lowered his gaze, tracing his finger on the table. He couldn't help a little smile, relief filling him.

And Tony? Tony kept that particularly interesting note about the voices having nothing to say about him bolded and underlined in his head.

 

Loki felt much better after that talk with Tony. It always felt like a kind of high, when he could pour himself out to someone who was ready to accept him in all his brokenness. At the moment, it was enough to quell the voices insisting he work as he walked down the hallway.

_…strafe left!…_

Loki dodged the shoulder that had been heading straight at him, that the voices saw before he did. He was used to reacting to them before thinking.

The figure that had went to shove him stumbled forward, falling over when its shoulder didn't meet its target, and landing on its knees. The figure whirled around, and Loki saw that it was the white-haired man.

He looked up at Loki with furious eyes, who gazed back evenly. A few students around were staring.

“You tripped me, fag.”

_…must have been someone else… hee hee…_

“Must have been someone else.” Loki said out loud, in a taunting voice.

The white haired man angrily got to his feet and lunged directly, but Loki neatly sidestepped just in time in response to the voices commands, and the man smacked into the lockers.

He regained his composure and turned his head, his nose turning red from the impact, and threw a fist at Loki with a snarl.

Loki calmly caught the fist and deflected it. More students were watching.

Suddenly, Loki’s assailant was grabbed by the shoulder.

“Picking on first-years, Pietro?”

Loki looked up to see the bulky form of Steve Rogers, calmly holding the man called Pietro back.

“Fuck off, Rogers.”

Steve had a dangerous glint in his eye. “Don't you have special-ed tutoring to get to?”

Pietro’s face twisted angrily and looked like he was going to spit back at him, but seemed to think better. Instead, he shook off Steve’s hand and snorted, turning to walk away.

“Putting yourself on the losing side, Rogers. Protecting nutters like that one.” He threw over his shoulder as he left.

Steve shook his head, arms folded, and turned back to Loki. “Don't mind him, he doesn't like anyone. You alright?”

Loki nodded. “I'm fine. Thanks for that.”

Steve clapped a hand on Loki’s shoulder, and Loki tried not to wince. “If he gives you any more trouble, you let me know. Alright?”

Loki gave him a small smile. “Will do.”

When Steve went his way, Loki went his, avoiding the other students’ stares. It wasn't the attack that bothered him. It was Pietro’s last words.

Was there any real knowledge behind him calling Loki a nutter? He feared the answer.

_…he knows…_

_…only a matter of time…_

_…time running out…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very reveals, much divulgence


	8. Chapter 8

****

**Chapter 8**

“I think it's impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves.”

― _Ender's Game_

 

When he took the time to run through what happened in the library the other day, Tony found that what he said was true. Loki’s condition really didn't bother him.

In his mind, it was like finding out someone you liked had a prosthetic leg, or was blind. It makes a few things more difficult, sure. It was something to deal with and work through. But it didn't change how you felt about that person. Tony wasn't a run-away-when-things-get-harder type. He was too stubborn for that. And he definitely still wanted to get in his pants.

Plus, it actually was pretty damn cool. The part Loki liked about it, anyway. He had millions of questions. He wanted to hear all his stories about times he’s used this extra sense to his advantage. It was like a superpower.

It made him wonder how all the other oddities he'd noticed fit in as well. He had plenty of time, he supposed, to find out all about it. Especially if he took Tony’s lab bait.

Most importantly though, he was determined to make sure Loki knew that he wasn't going to run out on him over this.

 

Loki watched the colors play out on the wall as he slowly walked along the empty corridor. The sun throwing its rays at the adjacent wall through the window, and Loki was seeing it in every color. The rays were curling and twisting into fractal patterns, creating shapes and pictures. He watched the colors dance, mesmerized.

When he followed the strings long enough, he picked out some patterns to follow. New patterns he'd never seen before. He’d never thought to look to the sun until something the voices said.

_…the fractal waves…_

He'd remember these to draw at lunch. Then search for these patterns elsewhere in the world, like he always did. Confirming whether or not these patterns were sacral patterna. Another piece of the puzzle, or something to be discarded.

Eventually, he reached the cafeteria and the light show was over. His vision was spotty from looking at the sunlight, but he saw well enough to find the usual table, sitting down next to his brother.

Thor was regaling the others some story of former glories of his sports triumphs in England. He could see in their eyes that they thought he was exaggerating, and were playing along. But Loki knew better. He'd been there for most of his brother’s victories. If anything, Thor was humbly leaving out some glorifying details.

Tony flashed a grin at Loki when he sat down, and Loki gave a shy smile back, before turning his gaze down to his phone to begin recreating his light visions. Loki hoped Tony wouldn't ask him about this yet. His concepts about the universe might just make him think he was crazy after all.

“So Loki…” Natasha leaned over the table, chin resting on her hand. She had a mischievous smile. “You never told me you know judo.”

“I… what?” Loki looked at her in confusion.

“I heard some rumors floating around that Pietro Maximoff, the big-shot track star asshole everyone knows and hates, got his ass handed to him by none other than you, doing some crazy ninja shit.” Natasha smirked.

Loki flushed, “Uhhh… I wouldn't quite say it like that?” He tapped his fingers together. “I was just defending myself.”

Thor’s face was a mix of surprise and anger. “Defending yourself? What happened?” He grabbed his brother’s arm. “Did he hurt you?”

“Calm down.” Loki said quickly. “Its fine. He just shoved me is all. He does that to all the first-years.”

“Hey, don't be modest.” Steve appeared out of nowhere and Loki made a disgruntled face. “I didn't see the whole thing but I did catch the part where you threw his own punch back at him. Pretty impressive.”

Loki’s eye twitched and he gave Steve a look that screamed, ‘gee, thanks’.

Then ensued both Thor and Tony raising their voices in various promises to end Pietro.

“-I will bury him in the tar-”

“-sue the shit out of him-”

“-burn his medals over his dead body-”

The others looked on in amazement, and Loki pinched between his eyes, sighing. “Guys, Jesus.” They both stopped and looked at him. Loki held his hands out. “Clearly, I can handle myself.” He had a half smile, eyebrow raised. He seemed completely unfazed. “What with my crazy ninja shit and all.”

Thor and Tony looked at each other quizzically.

Natasha laughed, “Hey, I gotta see this for myself.” She pointed a finger at Loki. “You and me buddy, one-on-one.”

Loki had a little smile, “You’ll whip my ass.”

“Oh definitely, but I wanna see how far you can get.”

Thor looked like he wanted to say something, but grit his teeth and looked down instead. Loki knew he hadn't heard the last of it, though.

“In other news…” Tony flicked his fork. “This weekend is supposed to be like, the last super warm weekend before autumn supposedly. Pool party at my place?”

“Oh hell yeah.” Clint spoke up from the end of the table, mouth full.

“I'm busy Sunday, but I can do Saturday.” Steve said, readying to bite into a baby carrot.

“Saturday it is.” Tony waved his hand in the air in an ‘it shall be done’ sort of way.

At that moment, Jane walked up, seeming out of breath. “Hey guys. Did I hear pool party?” She had a hasty-looking lunch on a platter, and went to sit in the empty seat on Thor’s other side.

“Saturday, you in?” Tony grinned at her.

“You know it!” She brushed her hair out of her face, and slapped Thor’s arm. “You going, big guy?”

“Oh yes! This day you shall all face the might of my legendary cannonball!” Thor beamed.

“You think yours are big?” Steve challenged with a grin.

“Always a dick-measuring contest with you two.” Natasha shook her head with amusement.

Loki managed to avoid further confrontation during that lunch as he drew his patterns. He felt many gazes on him throughout, however, and caught students glancing over now and then.

He supposed the rumor must have spread. Maybe he should have just let Pietro shove him down in the first place. His intention from the beginning had been to lay low, not give people something to talk about.

This was going to be a long four years.

 

“You've made a fool of us, Pietro.”

Pietro rubbed his bruised nose. “How was I supposed to know he wasn't the scrawny bitch he looked like?” He snorted.

The man he was speaking to leaned back, pressing his fingers together. “There are no excuses. No obstacle is too great for those like us. But you ran away with your tail between your legs when faced with Rogers. You let fear control you. You were no better than them.”

Pietro gritted his teeth. “I won't give him another chance. Next time, he's going down.”

“See that he does.”

 

After lunch, Thor got up, wanting to follow his brother as he went off to class and speak to him, but Tony caught up with Loki first. Thor watched them exit the cafeteria.

He still did not trust Tony, and didn't like how much he seemed to follow his brother like a loyal dog. He prayed his intentions were all good, and he hoped his brother had found a friend. He'd never had one of those before. But it still made him nervous. Something about Tony made him feel distrustful. He had a hard time believing his intentions were pure.

Regardless, that man at his heels at all times made it hard for Thor to talk to his brother about his health.

“Hey, what's wrong?”

Thor looked down at Jane, who had noticed him staring. He sighed and sat back down. “I do not trust Tony Stark and his interest in my brother.”

Jane made a wistful face. “I wish I could make you feel better on that, but… I’ve known Tony for years. He's a good guy, but he's… been around.” She smiled. “And Loki is certainly pretty.”

Thor nodded. “As I fear.”

“But, he's also a huge nerd, and so is Loki. It could be as simple as common interest.”

Thor gave a sideways smile. “That is the only reason I have not threatened him to stay away.”

“Well hey.” She rubbed his hand. “He fought off Pietro. That bastard’s a lot tougher than Tony. We’ll just have to trust that he can handle himself.”

Thor nodded. He knew he needed to give his brother some space. As much as he wanted to, he would not be there for him every moment of his life. He could not always be his guardian angel.

 

_“Loki, what is… what's on your back?”_

_Loki tried quickly to think of an excuse, but it was too late. His mother was on him, pulling back his shirt collar._

_“Is that a tattoo?!” Frigga sounded horrified._

_Loki gave Thor, who sat frozen and wide-eyed at the counter, a look that said ‘oh shit’._

_“Uhh… no?” He tried._

_She pulled his shirt up to see the extent of it, and let out a loud breath. She whirled him around, hands on his thin shoulders. “What on earth were you thinking, Loki?” She hissed. “You’re fifteen!”_

_Loki didn't want to tell her he’d actually been fourteen when he got it. He bit his lip, not looking her in the eye._

_“Did you know about this?” Frigga looked at her older son, accusingly._

_Thor blinked, eyes still huge. Then he sighed and looked down. “Yes.”_

_“How could you let him do this?”_

_“I would have gone without him.” Loki stook up for his brother. “And he knew that. He was only protecting me.”_

_“Why was this so important to you?” She scrunched her eyebrows. The light wrinkling of her forehand turned more harsh with this expression._

_Loki’s eyes were bright, and sad. “I… I didn't feel right, without it.” He hung his head and sighed. “I feel better about myself with it.”_

_Frigga put a hand on her younger son’s cheek and sighed as well, her anger replaced by tiredness. “Well, what's done is done. I'm not at all happy about this, but I can't very well change it.”_

_Thor looked at her hopefully._

_“Don't ever let your father find out, though.” She warned. “He wouldn't be so forgiving.”_

_Loki let out a relieved breath._

_“You, on the other hand.” She turned to Thor, who stiffened. “You should have told me.”_

_Thor looked down, ashamed. “Yes, mother…”_

_Loki looked like he wanted to argue on Thor’s behalf, but couldn't think of the words. He knew Thor had been stuck between a rock and a hard place on this, and the best thing he could do was keep quiet about it. Surely his mother saw that._

_“Oh, calm down, you two.” Frigga had a little smile on her face. She pulled Loki in for a hug, and gestured to her older son. Thor smiled, jumped down from the counter and went over into her embrace._

_“You're a good brother, Thor…”_

 

“So… you're coming to the pool party, right?”

Loki sighed. He’d seen this question coming, didn't even need the voices for that.

“Can't I just show you my tattoo?” He asked tiredly.

Tony grinned, “Hell yeah, but you're still coming to the pool party.”

“I really… don't do parties, Stark.”

“I know, I figured. Overstimulus and all that.” Tony said understandingly. “It's not gonna be like that last one. Just the lunch group and maybe three or four others. No loud music. Just a nice, relaxing day at the pool with some friends and some drinks.”

_…laboratory…_

_…running out of time…_

Loki looked thoughtful for a bit as they walked. “I guess I could dip my feet.” He said quietly.

Tony grinned, “Nice. Croutons will be served!”

Loki raised an eyebrow at Tony before parting and turning into his classroom.

_…yes… croutons…_

 

The smell of grilling wafted through the fragrant, end-of-summer air. The sun was shining and a heat wave lazily rolled through the city, drowsily readying for hibernation. A pool tube made a thump as it was thrown into the water, and laughter ensued as a body followed, splashing a trio of girls.

Most everyone had already arrived at Tony’s place, were clad in their bathing suits and enjoying the giant Stark mansion pool. The water was crystal-clear and just the right temperature. Tony was cooking some burgers and corn on the grill, beer in hand, like a proper grill dad. He was just missing the trophy wife.

As he thought that, finally Jane and the Odinsons arrived, coming out to the poolyard through the sliding doors of the mansion.

Jane wore a lovely blue sundress over her bathing suit, and had an iced coffee in hand. Thor was already shirtless and in his swimming trunks, carrying a girly tote; likely Jane’s. What a gentleman.

Tony grinned when he saw Loki follow behind; he wore gray swimming trunks and a green sleeveless, with a half-sleeve long, black cardigan. Sunglasses covered his eyes, converse on his feet, and he held an iced coffee matching Jane’s. He looked fabulous, but so did not look ready to jump in the pool.

“Shoes and shirt, no service!” Tony yelled out at them. Loki raised his sunglasses to his forehand and gave him a nasty look. Tony flashed a grin back.

Jane laughed and began unfastening her sundress, revealing her dark blue bikini underneath. “How much does a girl gotta strip to get a burger around here?”

“I mean, I won't say anything if you keep going.” Tony smirked. Thor glared at him and he held his hands up, “Kidding, kidding. Yes cheese, no cheese?”

“Who the hell would say no to cheese?” Jane scrunched her nose.

“Lactose intolerants?”

“I’d still say yes.”

Loki was looking around the poolyard, seeming a bit anxious, pulling his cardigan closer around himself. Tony remembered him saying he wasn't used to showing his tattoo, and wondered when the last time he’d gone shirtless was. Probably ages.

“Come, brother, you are among friends here!” Thor reassured him with a smile.

“Heads up!”

The four ducked as a wet plastic ball flew over their heads, water sizzling as a few drips fell on the grill.

“Fuck, Clint!” Tony yelled. “If you drench my damn grill…!”

Clint jogged up, water running down his legs from his soaked swimming trunks. “I still get a burger, right?”

“I'm giving you the soggiest one.”

“I can live with that.”

Jane stepped over to Loki, taking her bag from her boyfriend. “Do you wanna put your stuff in my bag?” She asked with a smile.

Loki looked unsure of himself, but eventually nodded. He handed her his sunglasses before pulling the cardigan off his arms, and folding it neatly. He kicked off his converse and looked down at his sleeveless, hesitant.

Tony could already see the tattoo lines on the back of his shoulders, no longer covered in plastic, the skin calmed of redness but peeling a bit. He tried not to watch and make him more uncomfortable, but he was so curious.

Eventually Loki took in a breath and quickly pulled his sleeveless over his head, seemingly before he changed his mind.

“Oh wow.”

Loki blushed as he handed Jane his shirt, who shoved it in her bag with the rest of his things.

“That's one crazy-ass tattoo, man.” Clint said, flipping the ball in his hands with a grin.

And he was right about that. Tony was mesmerized. Loki’s entire upper back was filled with beautiful, intricate linework. Circles and triangles and hexagons, eyes and lines and swirls and crescent moons. The lines followed his figure perfectly, and each side was impeccably symmetrical. He’d never seen anything like it before. Except in Loki’s drawings.

Loki looked uncomfortable under the stares, and rubbed his arm; his black nails against his pale skin like the ink etched into it. “You're burning.” He muttered, not meeting Tony’s eyes.

Tony blinked and looked down. Sure enough, the burgers were smoking. “Aw shit. Well, this one’s Clint’s I guess.”

 

Once everyone had taken a break from the pool and received their food, Loki had received a few ‘cool tattoo!’s, and eventually the hype had died down, he finally seemed to relax. He and Jane sat side-by-side on some lawn chairs, sunglasses down. Jane was finishing off her burger, and a plate with some croutons Tony had forced on Loki sat untouched. Thor and Steve had gone to compare their cannonballs, making people in the pool shriek as they were splashed by the tidal waves.

Tony was resting his arms on the side of the pool, back to the wall, in the shallow end. He was absently chatting with a few of his friends, but he kept glancing over at Loki.

Shirtless Loki was beautiful. All that pale skin, lithe body. He must shave, because he was smooth all over. All he wanted to do was kiss him all over that torso, and trace the inked lines on his back until he was shivering under his touch-

“Hey Tony, you still listening?”

“What? Oh yeah definitely. Something about facial hair. Excuse me for a minute.” Tony pulled himself out of the pool, legs dripping wet, and made his way over to Loki and Jane.

“You ladies gonna go for a dip or not?” Tony grinned.

Jane waved her hand, “Yeah, yeah. Once the boys stop their damn cannonballs.”

Loki blinked. “Uhhh, as soon as I finish my coffee so it doesn't uh… get cold?”

“That's iced coffee, Loki.” Tony reminded him.

“Oh, so it doesn't get warm, I meant.” Loki looked down.

“You're really bad at lying.” He grinned. _To me, anyway,_ Tony thought. _No voices to give you hints._

Loki blushed and sipped his coffee through the straw.

“Oh, come on Loki. Lets go convince your brother to stop making tsunamis.” Jane smiled at him. She stood up and held out her hand.

Loki sighed and put his drink down, and took her hand, allowing her to help him get to his feet.

Tony stared at his back as he went past. He was sure he found a new aspect of the tattoo to look at every time he saw it.

Jane went over and started yelling at Thor from the side of the pool, Loki following shyly.

“But Jane! I have nearly beaten my own record!” Thor complained.

“Well beat it in England, some of us like calm water.”

“Alright, alright.” Thor laughed, and turned to Steve, who floated a little ways away from him. “Truce?”

“Truce.” Steve agreed.

Soon, Jane was floating in the pool beside Thor, and Loki was sitting at the edge, feet in the water, seeming lost in thought. Tony went over and sat beside him, but he seemed too mesmerized by the rippling water to notice.

“See anything fun?” Tony said quietly.

Loki started, and looked up at him before seeming to calm down. “There are funny ghost faces swimming around in your pool. Thought you might like to know that.”

Tony grinned, “Well I didn't invite them, but as long as you say they're okay.”

They sat there for a while in silence, enjoying the cool water lapping at their feet and the warm sunshine over their heads.

 

Loki lied about the funny ghost faces. Sure, he’d seen that before. But not now. What he saw now was himself. But his pale skin, highlighted in the sunlight like a mirror, swam with rippling patterns.

_...finish the pattern..._

_...running out of time..._

His patterns, his sacral patterna; they stayed unmoving, emblazoned on his flesh. Across his face, under his eyes and along his arms. The ones he wasn't sure about, or ones his mind made up on the spot; those ones were ever-shifting. The lines wobbled and changed, and he could never get them to stay still long enough to comprehend them. Like trying to get a mass of black, inky worms to stay still.

Perhaps in the burning sun, they will. Perhaps they will die of overheating and dehydration, their shriveled bodies staying still in the pattern he-

All of a sudden, he felt himself hit water, and he was under. Swirling all around him, cold. He broke the surface and shouted, “Fucking shit, Thor!”

His brother was laughing from his place in the water beside him, “I apologize, brother, I could not resist.”

Loki playfully splashed his brother in the face with a slap of water and shook the drips from his hair. Thankfully, they hadn't really drawn any attention, as the other partygoers were having their own water shenanigans, so Loki relaxed in the water. He hadn't been in a pool in ages, but it felt natural, like it had been as a child.

Jane paddled over on her big pool float chair and helped Loki up onto it. Eventually Tony dove in as well, and the four of them chatted as they lounged and casually swam around. It was a beautiful day.

That was, until Steve swam over, and said, “Wow, what happened to your arm?”

They all looked over to where Steve was gazing, and saw Loki had a seriously nasty-looking scar running down the length of his forearm. That wasn’t there before.

“Uhh…”

_...nowhere to run..._

_...fool..._


	9. Chapter 9

****

**Chapter 9**

“Someday stars will wind down or blow up. Someday death will cover us all like the water of a lake and perhaps nothing will ever come to the surface to show that we were ever there. But we WERE there, and during the time we lived, we were alive. That's the truth - what is, what was, what will be - not what could be, what should have been, what never can be.”

― _Children of the Mind_

 

Loki put a hand over his forearm. He and Thor exchanged a brief glance. “Just a scar from some corrective surgery I had as a child.”

_…ha ha ha…_

“Jeez, must have been some serious surgery.” Steve commented. “It looks nasty.”

“I've always told him he should just tell people he got it in a fight with a tiger.” Thor grinned. He had a strained look behind his eyes, though.

Loki smirked. “Considering I don't really look like someone who would survive a tiger attack, I usually just cover it up with makeup. Guess the pool water washed it off.”

_…stupid…_

_…should have thought of that…_

_…leave him alone, he can't think of everything…_

Tony, who had been staring at the awful scar, looked back up and studied Loki’s face. He had the impression that Loki seemed to be intentionally avoiding his gaze.

“I'll trade you for my acne scars any day.” Jane joked.

Then, they were all comparing scars, and Loki’s was forgotten. By all except Tony, anyway, who had intentions to ask more about it later.

 

The sun started going down, the air started getting too chilly for the pool, and Tony lit up the fire pit. They all sat around it, roasting things and drinking and laughing.

Tony got caught up telling high school stories for a while, and it got quite dark out. All those around the fire pit were illuminated just by the orange firelight and a little from the moon. Grins lit up the drunken stories, and occasionally someone got annoyed by the breeze blowing smoke in their faces.

After a while, Tony noticed Loki was missing. He had an idea where he was though. So he excused himself, claiming to be going to the bathroom.

As he expected, he found Loki down in the lab. He had put his sleeveless shirt back on, and was sitting cross-legged at the desk Tony had given him, writing something in a notebook. He had up a small hologram up with a set of odd-looking 3D molecules in different arrangements. The bare foot that touched the floor was nearly as white as the tile.

When Tony opened the door to go in, he could hear Loki talking softly.

“…doesn't balance out, we’ll need more pieces.”

“I don't remember telling you the door code yet.” Tony spoke up.

Loki startled a little, and looked up before relaxing. “I saw you type it in.”

Tony smirked and walked up closer, leaning on the wall near him. “I know. That's why I didn't bother telling it to you.”

Loki gave a faint smile before looking back down at the paper.

“What are you working on?”

Loki looked thoughtful, “Hm, possibly discovering a new chemical formula?”

Tony looked surprised, “Oh? What for?”

“I don't know yet.” Loki said as he casually bit his black-painted thumbnail. “I'm working at an atomic level, fitting pieces together until they achieve stability.”

“Sounds fun, try not to blow yourself up.” Tony folded his arms as he leaned against the wall. He was curious, and had every intention to ask about this project later, but right now he had another thing on his mind. “So, did you actually have surgery on your arm as a kid?”

Loki winced and looked down.

“Kinda doesn't look like a nice, clean, professional incision.”

“I didn't do it to hurt myself, if that's what you think.” Loki said, not meeting his gaze. Tony took that as a confession.

“Why, then?”

Loki absently rubbed his forearm, lost in thought.

 

_It was sunset when Thor came in from playing outside. It had been a long day, and he was getting a bit tired. He decided to look for his brother to see if he wanted to watch TV with him._

_Eventually, he found his raven-haired little brother in his room with the door closed._

_“Brother! Would you like to- brother?!” Thor stared in shock at his younger brother when he was in full view. The little boy looked up at him, a confused look in his bright green eyes._

_To Thor’s horror, Loki had a sharp kitchen knife in his little hand, dripping red. His opposite forearm was sliced neatly open down through the tissue and muscle, gushing with dark red blood. The carpet beneath him was stained with a puddle of it._

_His little brother was paler than usual, and bleary-eyed. “It doesn't look like I thought it would.” He said calmly._

_Thor backed away, sick to his stomach, and then turned around and ran out of the room._

_“Mom!”_

 

“That almost had me committed.” Loki said after he recounted the incident. “It took quite a few sessions with psychologists to understand it wasn't that I wanted to hurt myself, that I was just curious what was beneath the skin. The psychotic delusion made me think it was okay to find out about it with a… direct approach.”

“Jesus.” Tony breathed.

“Of course, they had me doped up with every antipsychotic drug they could find after that.” Loki scrunched his nose. “That was a very fuzzy year up until I decided to start hiding the pills and pretending I had taken them.”

“You're not worried something like that might happen again?”

“Not really?” Loki shrugged. “I was young, I have better control of myself now. Nothing like that has happened since.”

“Can I see it?”

Loki blinked in surprise, and a wary look crept up on his face. He seemed to think for a long moment before cautiously holding his arm out, wrist-up.

Tony came forward and took his arm gently in his hands. He slowly ran a finger down the length of the scar, dark against the pale of his soft skin. “Didn't fade much, did it?”

Loki was staring down at his arm and Tony’s hands, watching his every move. He had a look like an animal with its ears back, like he might pull his arm back to himself any moment.

Then, their eyes met. Tony had a look of calm, a small smile on his face. Loki’s eyes were wide and cautious, jaw set and face hard. They held the gaze for several moments before Tony broke it with a grin, releasing Loki’s arm.

“Well, I guess I should go make sure no one set my house on fire. Feel free to the lab!” With that, he winked and turned around, heading back out.

When Tony was gone, Loki stayed rigid in his chair, breathing slowly. He felt confused, and shivered. What just happened?

 

The next few weeks went by somewhat uneventfully. The air grew colder, and the leaves on the trees had started changing color. Summer was over, and it was time for light coats and scarves.

Loki loved autumn. He loved the fresh nip in the air, and getting to wear layers. He loved his coats and his scarves. He loved the cozy nights under blankets with hot cocoa. He loved when, back home, his father lit the fireplace. He loved hearing it crackle and pop. He was sad not to be home for that, but he would live with it.

Loki and Tony spent a lot of time together. This was a new experience for Loki, having a real friend. Someone who not only had any idea what he was saying when he talked about subjects he liked, but had actually intelligent input as well.

During the week, they’d spend a lot of time between classes in their personal little area of the library. Loki would usually read or draw in his phone, and Tony, generally avoiding the books, sketched out mechanical schematics on his tablet. That area of the library became their peaceful place to wind down, think, avoid people, and chat to each other.

At least one day of the weekend Loki usually spent in Tony’s lab. He used the advanced AI holographic program to work through proposed molecules, and worked on other side-projects as well. Tony was usually on his side of the lab, working metal and wiring, powering things up, tinkering. Sometimes Loki wandered over to see what he was doing.

He realized that he wasn't spending as much time with his brother anymore. They had their TV nights, lunch together and sometimes walked together to class, but it wasn't like it used to be. He hoped it didn't bother Thor.

Yet, Thor was also spending most of his time with Jane, or practicing with the American football team, so perhaps he didn't mind.

Besides science projects, Tony managed to get Loki to go do other things now and then. Today, rather than work in the lab, Tony asked Loki if he'd join him at the fair.

“Fair?”

“Oh yeah, lame rides, fried food, rigged games, people trying to sell you shit. You in?”

“Hm… sounds noisy…”

“I'll buy you hot cocoa.”

“Well…”

“With tiny marshmallows.”

“Deal.”

So that's how Loki found himself slowly walking side-by-side with Tony, steaming cup of hot cocoa in his hands, kicking up colorful leaves as they made their way through the fairgrounds.

As expected, the voices were noisily pointing out all the action. They talked over each other, and it was hard to sift through and find the ones that might have anything useful to say. They all drowned each other out in the chaotic pool of noise.

Loki did his best to ignore them all. Perhaps it was a good time to take his medication and silence them, but he hated leaving himself vulnerable like that. He decided to casually voice this concern to Tony.

Tony was glad he confided in him. “Hey, I get it, but I'm here. I can handle anything social. You can just follow my lead or stay quiet. So why don't you take the meds and relax?”

Loki took a sip of cocoa. “I guess, but what if something happens?”

“Nothing is gonna happen, but I'll beat anyone up if they look at you funny.”

Loki smirked, and made up his mind. He could take a break from pattern-searching for a few hours.

 

It was almost surreal, not hearing the voices. It had been a very long time since Loki had taken the medication simply for the heck of it, and without sleeping it off. He felt that constant anxiety that he was so used to calm.

He was able to focus on simply the feeling of everything around him, without hearing reasons and hidden meanings and analyses. The cool breeze across his face and how it made his nose tingle. The feel of the warm paper cup of hot cocoa in his hands (his second cup, by the way), the feel of leaves crunching beneath his feet. He felt hazy, but he didn't mind right now.

“Oh hey, mirror maze.” Tony stopped them in front of a small building. “Wanna go in?”

“Sure.”

The maze’s walls were entirely made of mirrors, making it hard to find when corridors ended and when there were turns. Hundreds of their reflections walked beside them. Tony laughed when they hit a dead end and got completely lost.

Loki felt extremely disoriented, and it bothered him a little, but it was an interesting experience. He felt along the dwall for hidden turns. “Bet I would have had us out of here in 5 minutes without medication.” He said.

“I'll take that bet.” Tony grinned. “We’ll have to come back sometime.”

Loki nearly bumped into one of the mirror walls, hitting another dead end. He was feeling a bit dizzy, staring at his many selves.

Tony found a turn, and grabbed Loki’s arm, tugging him in the right direction. Loki flinched a bit at the contact. Tony didn't seem to notice, and let him go, continuing down the corridor. Loki followed behind, not wanting to get lost in this place.

Eventually, they did manage to find their way out. Tony cheered and suggested celebratory pizza.

 

The pair sat across from each other on a park bench, Tony eating a slice of cheap fair pizza. He'd insisted on getting one for Loki, who had protested, but he hadn't touched it. He was resting his chin on one hand, and the other was doodling on his phone; but Tony noticed he was really just making squiggles. Nothing like the usually precise, intricate linework he usually did.

“How do you like the fair?” Tony asked.

Loki blinked. “It's amusing, I suppose.”

“Have you never been to one before?”

“I mean, I don't exactly get out much.”

Tony grinned. “Wait, does that mean you’ve never gone on a Ferris wheel?”

“Is that the giant circular thing?”

“Oh hell, we’re going on it. Classic fair experience.”

So Loki found himself dragged into the line waiting to board the Ferris wheel. At least it didn't seem fast when he saw it moving before.

When it was their turn to step on, Tony led Loki to the bench seat, and they both sat down. He then brought the bar down over their heads.

After a moment, the wheel began calmly rotating, and the two young men were lifted up into the air. Loki felt a bit dizzy the higher they went, but he shook it off and tried to enjoy the view. It was dusk, so the fair lights were like stars from this view.

When their bucket reached the top, the Ferris wheel was stopped to let someone else on. Tony glanced over at Loki. He had his arms resting on the bar, leaning over a bit, looking out at the horizon. His pale skin was lovely in the light of the park and the darkening sky. His lips looked so soft.

Tony wanted nothing more than to live out the cliche scene, to lean over and pull Loki’s face to himself and kiss him silly up here above the fair. He ached for it.

But he sighed and looked away. It wasn't time yet.

 

After the wheel, Tony decided it was time to go home. Loki looked a bit sleepy. So they began the walk out, Tony leading the way.

However, as they had nearly reached the exit, Tony realized Loki wasn't following him anymore. He turned and looked around for him, and spotted him staring at the big frisbee ride. People were strapped in all around the perimeter, waiting for it to start.

Tony headed back over to him. “One more ride?”

Loki didn't acknowledge his presence, he was just staring at the ride strangely. Then, to Tony’s confusion, he took out his phone, angled it carefully, and snapped a picture.

He stared at the picture he took for several long moments. Tony furrowed his brow and gently placed a hand on his shoulder. “What's up?”

Loki jumped at his touch, and looked over at him as though seeing him for the first time, and then relaxed. He turned the screen off his phone and put it in his pocket. “Nothing. Ready to leave?”

Tony raised an eyebrow. “What's so interesting about the Extreme Frisbee?”

Loki looked down, hair falling over his eyes. “Uhhh…”

 

The moment Loki looked at the frisbee ride, he recognized it. The pattern. Even without the voices, it was so clear. He didn't need visions to highlight it. The way the lines connected. It was perfect, and he remembered enough sacral patterna without the voices and visions to tell him exactly where that pattern went. It was perfect.

He would have to verify, of course, that it resonated. But it thrilled him all the same.

He suddenly worried though; would he remember? On the medication? Or would his memory cloud? He had to preserve it somehow.

A picture. Of course. He needed to take a picture. Then he could look at it when the mediation had worn off and set it in stone-

And now Tony. Tony saw him do that, and wanted to know why. And he couldn't think of anything to cover it up. His mind went blank.

“…it's pretty?” Loki tried.

Tony raised an eyebrow, and Loki sighed. He supposed it was time. Hopefully Tony wouldn't think he was crazy.

“We can talk about it back at your place.” Loki said wearily.


	10. Chapter 10

****

**Chapter 10**

“…conclusions are a matter of extrapolated logic based on her best comprehension of the principles the universe has revealed to her.”

― _Children of Time_

 

“You're going to think I'm crazy.”

Loki hadn't spoken at all on the wall back to the Stark mansion. He seemed completely lost in thought. Tony didn't press, because he’d been promised answers, and he was willing to wait.

Now they stood in the center of the large, open-concept living room, dimly lit by the warm-toned lights and fake fireplace.

“I mean, I'm already pretty sure you're crazy, but I like your kind of crazy.” Tony grinned.

Loki looked up from his phone for a moment to raise an eyebrow at him, before looking back down again.

“Play program SAPA-12.” Loki said out loud to the mansion’s AI.

On command, holograms began forming around them, and Tony stared in amazement. Intricate patterns formed out fractally, gaining in shape and complexity. They began connecting at different corners, seperating, and reconnecting at new points. They swam through the air around them like a fractal galaxy.

Tony looked back at Loki, who was gazing at the shapes. The blue light illuminated his pale skin like a wraith, and reflected in his bright eyes.

“These are the things you're always drawing.” Tony observed quietly. “They're more than just art, aren't they?”

Loki nodded, eyes shifting with the patterns. “Assemble.” He ordered the program.

The patterns rotated and moved until they fit together perfectly, and together. Tony realized he was looking at Loki’s back tattoo, with extended features that he didn't remember seeing on Loki’s skin.

“So, what are they?”

Loki was silent for a long moment. Then he spoke, “A bridge, I think.”

“A bridge to what?”

“Another universe.”

Tony stared at him. “Alright, now convince me you're not crazy.”

Loki gave a half smile. “I know the multiverse theory hasn't been proven, but it's something I believe in, and we both know that at least isn't crazy.” He reset the program to allow the patterns to disassemble and float around again. “Something else I believe is that certain patterns resonate through all universes. Patterns that flow through spacetime from one universe into the others. Physical manifestations of these patterns form from matter and energy’s attraction to these resonances.”

He glanced at Tony. “My condition… has allowed me to pick up these patterns over the years. I'm able to see and store all the patterns I recognize, and then search for evidence that they are indeed the multiuniversal resonances.”

Tony was already reeling. “What's the evidence?”

“I see the patterns repeated hundreds of times elsewhere throughout the world. In artwork, in speech pattern. In spiderwebs and rock formations and tree rings. Anywhere that the patterns line up perfectly. And they do. Some of the patterns I find. I see them everywhere.” He pulled one of the holographic patterns in front of them. “This one? I found it in a Hindu art piece. I saw it again in a cloud formation, in an ancient Mayan glyph, in a spiderweb, in a Hubble image of a galaxy, and in the distribution of a town in Australia in Google Maps connected by bicycle routes. To name just a few of the places.”

Tony didn't know what to say.

“Many people call it Sacred Geometry, but those people don't know what it is. They create these patterns, thinking them tributes to gods. But they only know pieces of the puzzle. They don't realize they all connect, they all fit together to create a bigger picture. A bigger pattern. One that's resonated from the very beginning.”

“But why do you think the patterns are a bridge?” Tony asked.

Loki looked down. “That's the part I'm not sure about. That's just my main theory. But the patterns come from a force different from matter or energy, and they connect the universes together. Perhaps one day they could be used as a roadway. Or a string to lead along.”

They were silent for many moments, watching the patterns travel. Tony wasn't sure how much of this he believed. It sounded like a very theoretical pseudoscience, with countless alternate explanations, but… the patterns _were_ very detailed. Very intricate.

Of course, he couldn't help but think it could be Loki’s condition generating the connecting patterns. Maybe he was imagining seeing them repeated. Hallucinating them.

“How do you… know they’re real?” Tony asked, carefully.

Loki understood the underlying meaning of his question and had expected it. “Layer.” He commanded the system.

Immediately, images were brought up. Beside each pattern, images from Google maps, pictures of nature, tree branches and bird flocks and shell patterns, and ancient artworks. Most prevalent were the spiderwebs. Countless images with drawn lines connecting or highlighting patterns. The same patterns as the holograms they floated next to.

“I don't usually take pictures, since some things are heard or felt rather than seen. But for the sake of science, I try to document when I can. I've found a good many on the internet as well, and in books.”

Tony stared at the images and felt a shiver run down his spine. There were so many. Countless. He wasn't sure about Loki’s theories, but now he could see clearly that _something_ was there. Patterns were being repeated in places they shouldn't. A sense of otherworldly awe set in on him.

He could see what drew Loki to obsessively search them out. To want to understand what they meant.

“Jesus.” Tony breathed. He stared in awe at the pictures. “How did you even see some of these patterns?”

“The visions highlight them.”

Tony shook his head and sat down on the couch, staring up at the holograms. “So you're, what, collecting them? Trying to figure out how they fit together?”

Loki nodded. Tony felt the excitement. The mystery, the confirmation that something strange was going on. The scientist in him felt the urge to fit everything together, make the connections. This must be how Loki feels. And his visions don't let him not see these things. It must be a constant thrill. A constant source of motivation.

“What do you do when you've found them all? If… if there is an end to them.” The excitement was evident in his voice. That seemed to encourage Loki.

“I don't know yet. I'm experimenting with forming them into molecules at the moment.”

The realization hit him. “That's what you've been doing down in the lab. A new chemical, based on these patterns?”

“Yes. I don't know yet if they are viable as a chemical, but it's a start.”

“This must be a really important thing for you, to tattoo it on your back.”

Loki had a mysterious smile, like there was more to it than that. But he said nothing, bringing down the program, making the room darker without the blue light.

Tony could see the evidence of an otherworldly pattern. He hadn't seen evidence that it had anything to do with multiverses or interdimensional bridges. But he recognized that Loki had a far higher perception than Tony, or anyone he knew of. He could see patterns in human body language to such a point that he could predict behavior. He was often far ahead in science class with understandings of how things worked, even things that required demonstration; he figured out in his head already. Why wouldn't he be able to see other things? Aspects of the universe that others couldn't?

“Why did you call it SAPA-12?” Tony asked.

“Sacral Patterna. That's what I call them.”

 

“Two in less than three months? You are finding them faster, little one.”

The air was warm and thick with incense and fragrant herbs. Candlelight flickered off the walls, and the sound of a little table waterfall trickled on.

The living room was empty save a few tables with candles and shrines, a hookah pipe, hanging incense bowls and equipment in the corner. A big, Persian carpet covered the floor, and there were countless pillows strewn everywhere. Plants where everywhere as well, even a few hanging long tendrils of vines down the walls. The place had an aura of tranquility.

Loki sat cross-legged on one of the large pillows, sipping a ceramic cup of tea. Even the voices seemed more respectful of the sacredness of this place, the ones that complained or said terrible things about him or others were silent.

“I hope so. They keep telling me that I am running out of time.”

“Oh? Perhaps they are just getting impatient.” Asav, the Indian man in his 50s, was looking over some papers. Papers with Loki’s most recent sacral patterna drawn out in mathematical precision in every detail. “This one is beautiful as they always are. Where are we putting it?”

“Base of the spine, you can see how it connects on the last page.”

Asav flipped to the page. “Ah, I see. This one will hurt.”

Loki smiled. “No more than the first one.”

 

_Thor and Loki walked down the street. It was dusk, and the sun was going down. This wasn't the best part of town, and Thor kept alert, and kept his brother near._

_“I really don't like this, brother.” Thor voiced._

_Loki sighed. “I know, Thor. Bear with me.”_

_They reached an apartment building, and Loki led the way in. Wordlessly, they ascended the rickety stairs, until they reached the top floor. They headed down the hall, which smelled of cigarettes and was dimly lit._

_They eventually came upon a door with an intricately-designed wreath, and Loki went to knock._

_Thor caught his arm, however. “Are you sure about this?”_

_Loki looked his brother in the eye. “I'm sure.”_

_Thor looked at him for a few moments before sighing and releasing his brother’s scrawny wrist. Loki knocked on the door._

_The door opened, and an older Indian man was there, smiling. “You must be Loki. And, Thor is it?”_

_Thor sat on a wooden chair at the entrance of the living room, arms folded, watching nervously. His little brother sat on a pillow in the middle of the room, shirtless, his pale, thin chest glowing in the candlelight._

_This place was strange, and Thor didn't like it. The man, Asav, was strange as well. Yet he couldn't help a feeling of reverence, at the same time. It was odd._

_Asav was circling Loki, looking back and forth between the paper and him. He had an odd look on his face. “You have strangely impeccable symmetry, my young friend.”_

_Loki looked surprised. “What do you mean?”_

_“Most people are not perfectly even on both sides. Their spine curved, their ribs uneven, their eyes and noses. But you are like a mirror. I have never seen anyone with such symmetry before.” He had a look of awe. Thor didn't like it, but he respectfully stayed quiet._

_Asav had lit some incense, and now brought over the needle. He glanced over at Thor, and then back down to Loki’s back. “This is a spiritual experience for many.” He spoke. “You may wish to close your eyes and focus on your breathing, breathing in the incense, focus on the pain beyond its external reaction. Feel it like ink dripping across a canvas…” He went on in a soothing, meditative voice as he brought the needle down to Loki’s soft flesh…_

 

He winced, as he always did at first. It didn't matter how many times he did it, how ready he thought he was. It always hurt at first.

But he calmed, eyes closed, and fell inside himself. He breathed in the heavy air and felt it flow through his body. He felt the lines being drawn onto his back with perfect precision, painless in this state.

That was why he went to Asav. He had found him on a strange forum deep in the bowels of the internet. Someone who saw the sacred geometry, someone who understood him when he explained his journey to find them.

Asav was a legendary tattoo artist, known for his steady hands and extreme freehand precision. He inked mandalas and intricate patterns on peoples’ skin with a mathematical accuracy never seen before. This made him sought-after, and he travelled the world to the whim of his customers. He made good money from it, doing what he loved.

Loki was lucky to have him accept his tattoo proposal, but wasn't too surprised. He seemed excited by Loki’s discoveries, and fascinated by his perception. What Loki felt most lucky about was the fact that Asav _believed_ him. Believed in what Loki thought about the universe. The only one who did.

Yet, that wasn't true anymore, was it? Tony seemed to believe him. He sounded excited when he told him about it, anyway.

It was a strange thing. It made sense that Asav believed him, being a man of religion and metaphysics and such. But Tony was a scientist, a mechanical engineer at that. He was logical. Why _did_ he believe him?

On that thought, why was he even interested in Loki? Most people thought he was weird, when they discovered any of the things Tony had discovered. Or people were like Jane and Thor and his parents, treating him like a human but seeing his oddities as just the disease talking. As something to be pitied and cared for. Medicated.

But when he told Tony things, he listened with intent, looked at him with interest. He didn't seem like he wanted to fix him. He followed him around and asked questions and wanted to know more. He made Loki feel like an interesting person, like what he had to say was important.

And then, when he was thinking of Tony, he remembered that moment after the pool party in the lab, Tony’s rough, muscled hands, the hands of an engineer, holding Loki’s arm delicately, running a calloused finger down…

“Ow.” Loki flinched. He had felt the needle.

Asav paused. “You broke focus. Did you think of something distressing?”

Loki winced, “I… no, just a random thought.” He shook his head and breathed in, closing his eyes again, clearing his thoughts.

“Keep your thoughts abstract. Drift in the lines…”

 

_…what are they doing in my house?…_

_…it's not your house…_

_…my… get them out!…_

_…maybe you should leave…_

Upon Loki’s approval, Thor had his friends over at the condo to watch sports. The usual lunch group and a couple others from the school’s American football team. Tony was there as well, half-drunk sitting on the floor in front of the couch, laughing about something. He didn't seem to understand all that much about the game on the tv, so instead made jokes about it.

For his brother’s sake, Loki tried to make an appearance now and then. Coming out of his room for snacks. Upon request, he showed them the latest edition to his tattoo, still covered in protective plastic. Receiving the compliments graciously, he told Thor he was going to go to bed, and excused himself back to his room.

He wasn't really, though. He felt an itching for a ritual. Something to calm and focus the voices. He searched for his black water-based paint, locked the door, and set to work.

 

Upon returning back from the bathroom, Tony noticed that there was a light coming from under Loki’s closed door. He knocked on it, but received no response.

“Hey Loki, you awake in there?” He called out quietly. Still no answer.

He tried to turn the handle, but it appeared locked. Tony was half-drunk and feeling curious, so he left the door, and headed over to where he knew the back door of the condo was. He opened it, and slipped out unseen.

 

_…find…_

_…they crawl…_

_…the worms…_

_…don't let them feed on you…_

_…let them catch in your web…_

_…spin and writhe until they stick more…_

_…can't move…_

_…bite down…_

_…feed…_

 

Tony found Loki’s window from the outside. He gave it a push to test. Locked. He pulled out his keychain switch knife and stuck it through the middle part of the window, turning the lock. It easily opened now under his press.

Tony heaved himself up, brushed the curtains aside, and went in.

Sitting on the sill, he looked around. The light was dim, and Loki wasn't in bed. Instead, he was sitting cross-legged on the floor, back straight, staring into a large mirror. He wasn't wearing a shirt, just black boxer briefs, and he had another large mirror farther behind him, standing propped against a chair.

Tony stared at his face in the reflection. He was hardly even blinking. He looked like he was in a trance.

So Tony walked up behind him, clearly in view in the mirror, and waved.

Loki’s face betrayed no recognition, nor acknowledged his presence. Strange.

More strange was what Loki had done to himself. He had lines painted up his neck, behind his ears, on his temples, down his forehead and under his eyes. Lines down his arms, circles around his knuckles with lines connecting them. His hair was tied back in a little ponytail, revealing his forehead. His legs and feet had lines as well, an odd pattern on each kneecap and thigh.

Tony frowned and crossed his arms.

 

_…feed and spin and spin the essence…_

Why can't I… am I the worm?

_…pierce the flesh with your teeth…_

Venom… my veins burn…

_…spin the sequence in your belly…_

No… I'm everything…

_…hurry or it will move again…_

I’m you…

 

Loki winced and brought a hand up to pinch between his eyes. His arm was stiff when he moved it. His neck and back ached. He wondered how long he’d been sitting there.

He sighed and lay on his back on the floor, stretching out the stiffness. He felt tired out.

“Back from interdimensional travel?” Said a voice.

Loki looked up and saw, in upside-down vision, Tony sitting on his bed, holding a book.

“Why are you in my room?” Loki asked irritably, closing his eyes.

“Oh, is this your room? Sorry, I thought it was Thor’s. I was gonna put itching powder in his underwear drawer.” Tony grinned mischievously.

Loki placed his hands on his belly, sighing.

“Nice paint. What are you doing?”

“I was meditating. Now I'm sleeping.”

“I like how you have a book about the cutest snakes.”

“Stark.”

“Yes?”

“I’d like to go to sleep.”

Tony laughed and set the book down. “Alright, alright.” He stood up from the bed. “Sweet dreams, sunshine. See you at school.” With that, he unlocked Loki’s door and left, shutting it behind him.


	11. Chapter 11

****

**Chapter 11**

“Take me home… In my dream you said you loved me. Take me home.”

― _Ender's Game_

 

A few nights later Loki was curled up in a blanket on the couch of Thor’s dormitory with a cup of calming tea. He'd surprised his brother by asking if he could sleep there.

“Did someone do something to you? Was it Tony?”

Loki had laughed and shaken his head. “No, Thor. I'm just… having anxiety.”

The truth was, Loki had another nightmare the night before, a particularly bad one, and it had him shaken all day. He’d had a hard time focusing on his classes.

His mind wasn't letting him forget about it. The river of blood, the bodies, the burning, the screaming… he shivered and pulled the blanket closer to himself.

“Are you sure you don't want to sleep in my room with me?” Thor appeared, dressed in pajama bottoms and had a toothbrush in his mouth.

Loki shook his head. “No, I'll be fine here.”

“Alright, well if you change your mind, don't hesitate to wake me up.”

Loki nodded and looked back down at his cup of tea. Thor took one last concerned look at his brother’s paler-than-usual face, his haunted expression, before saying goodnight and heading to his bedroom.

Loki sighed, and set his cup down. Only one ear had bled this time, and only a little. Still concerning, but he hoped the lessening meant whatever it was was going away.

_…it's never going away…_

_…sign of end times…_

_…find the bridge…_

_…get out while you can…_

“Stop being dramatic.” Loki muttered. He sat on the couch for a while, staring off. After a bit, he decided to go get a cup of water before trying to get some sleep.

He got up and dropped the blanket, bare feet against the floor, and walked over to the little dorm kitchenette. He grabbed a cup and went to put it under the faucet, but then noticed some glowing strands along the wall. He followed them with his eyes and saw they were all streaming over to the little desk in the corner of the dorm, where Jörm’s tank was.

_…follow the strings…_

He blinked and set the cup down, following the strands. They flowed like tissue paper in the wind, dipping down and converging inside the tank. He saw them intertwine until there were no more strands left and they were an orb resting on the fake branch in the tank. The colors settled and he realized it looked like the earth.

Suddenly, Jörm slithered out of his hide. He slinked up the branch, and began crawling on the orb. His scales shifted as he wrapped himself around it, continueously crawling.

Then, when he was fully around the earthlike orb, his little head rose up. He hissed, and opened his mouth wide; and then bit into the orb. Where he bit turned black. The little snake opened his mouth wider, and swallowed it whole.

Loki stared and the snake turned his head to look at him.

Their eyes met and they looked into each other. Colors swirled around Loki’s peripheral vision, and the snake swayed. Loki had a sudden urge to open the tank and put his hand in.

Jörm crawled onto his arm and slowly began slithering up, not breaking the unblinking gaze. When he reached his shoulder, he began convulsing; and out from his mouth cane the orb. Black and floating in the air in front of Loki.

He stared at it for a long time. Jörm was looking at him expectantly. Eventually, Loki reached out and took the orb in his hand. It was frozen to the touch. And then he put it in his mouth and swallowed.

 

Loki awoke on the floor of Thor’s dorm living room, the plush carpet soft, but he wouldn't exactly call it comfortable. He felt stiff all over.

He yawned and sat up, wondering what time it was. The sun was red through the window. Probably quite early.

He wondered why he was on the floor, and remembered his hallucination last night. He quickly got to his feet, and looked at Jörm’s tank. To his relief, he found the tank cover on, and the snake curled up safely under his hide.

Loki breathed in relief, but then he felt something under his foot. He looked down and… what was that? A worm?

No…

It was a tail. A pink, fleshy tail like the dead, frozen pinky mice Thor fed to the snake.

Loki’s eyes widened in horror. He realized what had happened.

The voices started laughing.

He ran to the bathroom and started vomiting.

 

A bit later, Thor found his brother curled up on the couch.

“Loki?”

“Hm.”

“Did I hear you puking earlier?”

Loki was silent. Thor went around the couch to look at him. He looked horribly pale and sweaty.

“Are you unwell?”

“Stomach bug or something.” Loki muttered.

“Perhaps it was something you ate?”

Loki went green and nearly vomited again right then and there, but he managed to drag himself to the bathroom in time.

 

Jane decided on a little bowl of soup for lunch that day. It had been particularly cold in her last class, as everyone was certain their teacher was a vampire, and soup sounded great. She bought it and headed over to the usual table.

She found Thor and sat down next to him. “Where's Loki?”

Thor politely swallowed his bite of sandwich before answering, “He was not feeling well this morning and decided to stay in bed.”

“Oh?” Jane’s eyebrows stitched. “Is he okay?”

“I think so, he said it was just a stomach bug? He said not to mention eating for a few days. But then, that's not exactly new.” They both laughed.

That explained to Tony why he hadn't seen Loki in the library yet that day. He decided to text him.

 

**How are you feeling?**

**-Tony**

 

He never received an answer during that lunch. Tony decided he must have been sleeping.

Later, during another class, he tried again.

 

**Is it really a stomach bug?**

**-Tony**

 

It wasn't until the a bit later that he finally received an answer.

 

**I ate a fucking MOUSE**

**-Loki**

**You what?!**

**-Tony**

**Please don't ask again trying to forget about it**

**I'm going to fucking puke every time I see a mouse now**

**-Loki**

**Jesus**

**But also kind of lol**

**-Tony**

**Also don't tell Thor**

**Wait fuck that means Jörm hasn't eaten**

**Fuuuuuck**

**I can't feed him or I'll puke**

**-Loki**

**I can come feed him**

**-Tony**

**Please**

**-Loki**

 

Tony ducked out of class early and headed to the dorm building. He headed up the stairs and walked down the hall until he found Thor’s dorm room. He tried the handle; it was unlocked, so he opened it and went in.

He found Loki curled up on his side on the couch, hugging a pillow.

“You definitely look like someone that accidentally ate a mouse.”

Loki cringed, “I told you not to mention it.”

Tony laughed, “Sorry. Where’s Jörmy’s… uhh… ‘kibble’?”

“In the freezer. Just one.” Loki closed his eyes and looked like he was trying really hard not to puke.

Tony went over to the freezer and took out the container of pinky mice, trying to be quiet so as not to remind Loki of what he was doing exactly. He took one out, put the container back, and went over to the snake’s tank.

Jörm was basking on top of his hide under the heat lamp. He lazily looked at Tony as he opened the tank top and dropped the frozen mouse on his little food plate.

When he replaced the tank top, Tony went back over to Loki, and sat down on the floor in front of him. “So, what happened?”

“I _really_ don't want to think about it.”

Tony grinned. “Alright, alright. It'll be a funny story one day, though.”

Loki had a haunted look on his face, and he strongly disagreed.

“Yeah, well, that's what I thought about my drunken donut rampage story.” Tony stood back up. “Can I expect to see you tomorrow?”

“Probably.”

“Cool.” Tony walked up and brushed Loki’s bangs out of his eyes. “Feel better.” And with that, he walked out.

Loki blinked. He had frozen in response to Tony’s warm touch, and now he sat up. He stared at the door that he had exited from. That was a casual thing everyone did, right?

He sat back, feeling confused again.

 

Things like that started happening more and more over the days, the weeks. Random little out-of-place touches that Loki felt like he focused on a little too much. Maybe Tony was just touchy.

Every time it happened, he couldn't help but think about that time Thor had told him not to let Tony too close. He still wasn't sure what he had meant by that. Was he letting him too close? Was this an indication of it?

He tried to put it out of his mind, but he found it ruminating in his mind, disrupting his thoughts and overpowering the voices. He didn't understand why. He hadn't experienced this before. More than ever he desperately wished the voices would tell him. Tell him anything about Tony. Give insight of his intentions and motives. Of all people why did it have to be this one that the voices stayed silent about?

He and Tony were in their library area. Tony was working on something on his tablet, and Loki was reading. Or, trying to read. His mind kept wandering. At least it wasn't really him who needed to read. He just needed to look it over and he would absorb it and the voices would tell him what was in the book later.

“I'm working on something fun.” Tony voiced.

“Hm?”

“You made me think of it.”

Loki blinked. “Oh?” He put his book down, interested. “What is it?”

“I'm making my own ‘voices’.” Tony grinned. “Well, one voice. I'm advancing the mansion AI program. Going to give it a voice and a personality.”

Loki smiled, “That does sound fun. Don't make him boring.”

“Me? Make something boring? Honey, I couldn't if I tried.”

Loki laughed at that. “How far along are you?”

“That sounds like I'm pregnant. Though I guess I am.” He showed Loki his tablet, full of programming. “I think I've got the persona down, I'll just need to work out the voice. I don't want anything too unnatural.”

“I'm looking forward to meeting your little bundle of joy.”

Tony grinned.

They continued on in their separate endeavors for a while. Then, it was time to go to their next classes. Loki packed up his things, tucked his book under his arm, and stood up. Tony was taking a bit longer; and after a moment; he realized Loki was staring at him. He had a face like he was trying to solve a complex algorithm.

“What's up? Do I have a massive zit?”

Loki’s expression didn't break. “Why don't they talk about you?” He almost sounded like he was asking himself the question.

Tony gazed back, and stood up. He shoved his tablet in his bag and slowly started stepping closer to Loki, not breaking eye contact.

“Does it make you uncomfortable?” He said softly, a glint in his eye.

He was getting closer, slowly, like an animal stalking prey. Loki blinked, eyes wide, and started slowly backing up.

“Not having any idea what I might do?” Tony continued.

Loki’s back hit the bookshelf, and he scrunched his shoulders. Tony was so close now. He leaned one arm against the bookshelf, trapping Loki.

Loki swallowed as Tony’s face came closer, gripping his book tightly, looking up into his dark brown eyes. He wanted to say something, but his voice was gone.

“I could do _anything_.” Tony’s voice was almost a whisper, his breath ghosting across Loki’s face.

And then, Tony’s lips were on Loki’s, soft but insistent. The kiss was long and drawn out, Tony’s breath from his nose warm in Loki’s face. He felt the red spreading to his ears, burning. Tony kissed harder and Loki felt his head pressing into the books.

Then, as suddenly as it began, Tony pulled away, backing off. He had the biggest smirk on his face. “See you at lunch!” And with that, he was gone.

Loki was stiff as a board, scrunched with his back against the bookshelf. His face was beet red, and his black fingernails were digging into the book.

He slowly let out the breath he had been holding.

 

Loki was in a haze for the rest of his morning classes. His brain was full of dandelion seeds. He really didn't know what to think.

Was Tony just being a brat as usual? A joke taken a little too far? Or was he… actually interested in that way? Loki's head reeled.

Tony was completely casual at lunch, like nothing had happened. Or, at least, he seemed to be. He winked at Loki a couple of times. But didn't he usually do that? But… if he did usually do that, did it always mean something more? Or was it still just Tony being Tony? This was driving him crazy.

The voices weren't there to tell him what behavior was normal. He couldn't remember how Tony acted around the rest of his friends. What if he was reading into this too much?

Loki didn't say a word during lunch, and Thor asked if he was feeling alright.

“F-fine. Yep, fine.”

Thor narrowed his eyes suspiciously, but he didn't press.

That was how Loki spent the rest of the school day. In a confused haze, thinking and rethinking everything he could remember. And then he thought, what if Tony did actually like him like that? It would explain quite a few things.

More dangerously, he thought, how would he himself feel if Tony did, in fact like him like that? He was afraid to think of it, in case he really was reading into it wrong.

But, he couldn't stop the stream of thoughts. He'd always been so focused on his science and his patterns and his books that he never really even thought about being attracted to another person before. He didn't really know how that felt. But if Tony would make sense to feel it for.

He was incredibly handsome, well-toned, groomed and stylish. He had a way with words, the quickest wit, a casual aloofness. People were always drawn to him. He felt like, even if he wasn't rich, people would throw themselves at him.

He was also passionate, and the most intelligent man he’d ever met. Of all things, if Loki ever had a sexuality, he’d probably be sapiosexual.

He shook his head. Why would someone like Tony ever be interested in him? Tony was rich, popular, he could have anyone he wanted. Loki was just… Loki. A psychotic with a delusional obsession? Hm.

Thoughts whirled through his head as he walked down the dorm halls. He was so distracted that he didn't at all see it coming.

A hand reached out and grabbed him by the shirt, pulling him backwards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I’m so proud of myself for holding off 11 chapters til things got spicy


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

“I have to win this now, and for all time, or I’ll fight it every day and it will get worse and worse.”

― _Ender's Game_

 

It all happened so fast, that his brain didn't process what was happening, and for some reason the voices weren't speaking. Loki found himself dragged into a dorm, heard the door click behind him, and then was shoved into the wall.

Strong hands pinned him, and suddenly lips were on his, and he felt the tickle of facial hair. Warm breath ghosted across his face and the kiss was hard. Then, the face pulled back.

Loki’s bright eyes were wide as he stared into Tony’s brown eyes, lidded with an unreadable look.

“I've wanted to do this for so long.” Tony said raggedly.

Loki’s face was pink and he found himself without a voice again.

Then Tony was kissing him again, insistently, over and over, he started running a hand up Loki’s side and went to kiss his neck-

And then… then Loki pushed him off.

Tony blinked, a face of surprise.

Loki was quivering, face red, so pressed against the wall he looked like he wanted to sink into it. “Th-Thor… Thor said not to… let you get too close.” He squeaked out. “A-and I… I don't know what…”

Tony’s eyebrows stitched, understanding. “Loki… that's because he thinks I'm going to one-night-stand you.” He sighed. “And I mean, yeah… when we first met that's exactly what I wanted to do…”

He looked up at Loki’s eyes in earnest. “But then I got to know you. And I… well, I really like you, Loki. And I… want more than just…” Tony gritted his teeth. Talking like this didn't come easy for him. He really didn't have much experience with it. He'd never gotten serious in his life in this way.

Loki’s eyes were wide, he couldn't think of anything to say.

And then, Tony sighed, deflating. “But, maybe I'm just fooling myself. Why would someone with the whole universe in his head want something so… insignificant as a relationship.” He turned around, hands in his pockets. “Especially with me, I'm just… me. I'm nothing. Why would I be anything to someone like you?”

“Tony…”

“I mean, I try to understand but it's just… all beyond me, you're so much more than me and all I can do is stand on the edge and… and you deserve someone up there with you-”

“You're the first one.” Loki said loudly and suddenly, cutting Tony off.

Tony turned back and looked at him, surprised into silence.

Loki took a breath, trying to calm himself before he continued. “You're the first… the first to treat me like… like a _person_. Treat me like how I feel I am. Not crazy. Not so sick that I shouldn't be allowed to make my own decisions. Not something to be pitied. Not a fucking _porcelain doll_. Just… a person. With issues like everyone else, dealing with them like everyone else.”

Tony stared at him, speechless.

“And that… you're not nothing, because that… that means _everything_ to me, Tony.” Loki bit his lip and looked down at the floor. He was sad for only coming to this realization now. Tony was right, whether he meant it like that or not. His head was in the stars. He hadn't thought about how much he meant to him.

Then he felt Tony’s presence close again, and looked up to see him smiling, an expression of relief on his face. Tony came forward and placed his hands at either side of Loki’s head, and he rested his forehead against Loki’s.

“Can I kiss you now?”

Loki felt his ears burn, and hesitantly nodded.

 

And boy did Tony kiss him. Loki’s lips were so much softer than he ever imagined, and he couldn't get enough of them. Loki’s dainty hands rested on Tony’s chest, pinned between them as Tony pressed him against the wall.

He tilted his head to kiss him passionately, putting his hands on his thin hips. Loki was tense at first, but Tony felt him relax, which only encouraged him further. His lips made their way down to his neck, where he kissed. He heard a quiet huff from Loki when he sucked on his neck, and couldn't help a smirk.

Eventually Tony pulled Loki back, and started gently pushing him towards the bed. Loki tensed up again, “Wait, I-”

“I'm not going to do anything.” Tony breathed reassuringly into his ear before kissing it; Loki relaxed a little, and compliantly let Tony lead him to his bed.

 

Loki found himself laying on his back on Tony’s bed, Tony on top kissing him silly.

He never knew what it was like to feel this way. Lips kissing him breathless. Teeth gently grazing his sensitive neck. Hands under his shirt, fingers trailing slowly up his stomach and making him shiver.

All his life he’d been lost in his mind. And now this man above him was fulfilling a need he never knew he had before. A need for physical contact, and pleasure. He'd only ever known pain. Now he knew there were other things to feel.

It went on for what felt like forever. Tony was like a starving man, getting something he’d needed for a long time. And he supposed that was true.

Eventually they lay back beside each other, Tony on his side facing Loki, and Loki on his back. Tony was studying his face, and his eyes. Those big green eyes were even more beautiful this close.

Loki met Tony’s warm, brown eyes for a while, before looking away bashfully. It was adorable. Tony couldn't resist touching his face.

Loki looked thoughtful, and then said quietly. “What happens next?”

“Next? Next I take you on coffee dates and actually tell you it's a date this time, we bang eventually, awkwardly start using pet names, move in together and adopt like, at least ten dogs.”

“I'm more of a cat person.”

“Alright five dogs and five cats.”

“Good thing you can afford a maid, that's going to be a lot of fur.”

Tony grinned and propped himself up on his elbows to look at him.

Loki made a face. “Wait… we were going on dates and you didn't tell me?”

“I mean, probably anyone other than you would have figured it out.”

Loki snorted.

 

Eventually, Loki told Tony he needed to get to bed. Tony walked him out of his dorm, planting a kiss on his lips before letting him go.

“Oh, also uh… don't tell Thor.” Tony said, fearing for his life.

“That's my line.” Loki winked, and disappeared down the hall.

Loki was exhausted from all the excitement of the day. His emotions had run themselves down. He thought it would be hard to sleep, head reeling thinking through all the new things that had happened, thinking about what might happen next.

But the voices were quiet, his mind blank, and as soon as his head hit the pillow, he was asleep.

 

Loki found himself in a dark forest. Moss-covered trees and thick brush coated by fog, impossible to see very far. The shrub branches caught on his legs as he walked, cutting into his skin. He winced, but he kept walking.

The dead leaves crunched under his bare feet, and his breath was visible in the chilled air. The forest was still. No birds or bugs sounded. Nothing but a gentle, cold breeze gently tugging the leaves til they danced.

_…all ravens…_

_…all ravens…_

The voices were whispering, over and over. Loki swallowed. He didn't know what they meant, but it made him nervous, and he tread quietly.

Then, in the corner of his eye, he saw a light. A dim glow through the fog. He blinked, and turned, following it.

_…all ravens…_

As he walked, a prickling feeling made the hair on his neck stand on end. He wasn't alone. He could feel something watching from the darkness. Something that could see him.

He heard the air shift and he spun around. Drifting down in the air was a huge, black feather. Loki’s breath was becoming more rapid, and the fog was starting to quiver.

He turned back around quickly, and continued following the light.

_…all ravens…_

The closer he got, the brighter it became. The edges more defined.

_…all ravens…_

He heard the sound of crunching leaves behind him and he picked up the pace. The light was becoming something.

_…all ravens…_

He stopped abruptly. In front of him was a huge, black lake, the fog drifting over it like ghosts. The air changed again and his eyes were wide as he whipped around.

Like a void darker than the darkness around it, a huge figure loomed over him. Humanoid in shape, with a great mane of feathers. But it's face…

Loki backed up until his foot touched the water. It's face was a massive, bleach-white bird skull, open in a twisted, horrific silent scream, holes for eyes.

_…all ravens are black!…_

The voices all giggled.

Loki was frozen in fear. Moonlight glinted off metal. The creature held a sickle in each hand, dripping with blood. It walked forward, so slowly that it was impossible to tell whether it was moving.

He whirled around to get away, but suddenly the scythes were crossed over his neck, the creature immediately behind, he could see its skull glowing in the reflection in the water. He felt the blood from the sickles drip off onto his neck, down his chest.

But the light got brighter, and Loki looked up. The light became a person, a featureless person made of light. It walked across the water towards him.

Loki didn't know why, but he wasn't afraid of the person of light. It was kind and comforting. As it got closer Loki felt power seep into his veins, warm and surging.

The scythes started digging into his flesh, but Loki grabbed them, not caring that they sliced through the skin of his hands. He pushed the blades away from his neck, blood spattering out from his hands.

He turned and faced the creature, face hard. It had stumbled back, feathers standing on end. It looked as furious as an emotionless bird skull could.

It brought the scythes up and went to attack… but Loki felt something in his hand, and when the scythes came down on him, they clashed with metal.

Loki held a long, glowing dagger, holding it strongly against the scythes, and he had a determined look on his face.

“You're not getting another drop of blood from me.” He snarled. “Not this time. Not ever again.”

The eye sockets stared at him, soulless.

Loki overpowered the creature, throwing the scythes back at it, and lept forward, plunging the glowing dagger into the monster’s chest. It let out a sickening screech, and blackness began spreading from the dagger across its flesh.

The blackness consumed it and the creature turned to ashes. The wind swept it away.

Loki stood, head high. His neck was cut and little streaks of blood dropped down, and his hands gushed red. But he bested the creature.

He won.

_…this time…_

“No. Every time.”

 

Loki awoke in the morning to his alarm. He wasn't sweating, he wasn't afraid. He touched his ear.

No blood.

He smiled.

 

Everyone who knew him noticed how different Loki seemed that day. His eyes were bright and lively. He seemed happy.

He even surprised Thor by completely eating his lunch.

“Where is my brother and what have you done with him?” Thor asked.

Loki grinned. “What, mother never told you about me? Your precious brother’s less evil twin?”

Thor laughed. He was overjoyed to see his brother so lively. He couldn't remember the last time he saw him like this. He wondered what changed, but he didn't question it.

Tony thought like the timing couldn't be coincidence, and felt pretty pleased with himself.

They spent their usual studying and project time in their library area. Tony kept losing track of what he was working on due to constantly glancing up at Loki. He looked content as he read his book.

Tony surprised him with a long kiss when they got up to go to class. Loki took it casually; not a scrunched-up ball of anxiety like the last time he kissed him here.

“I am definitely taking you on a date to the arcade this weekend.” Tony informed him. “2-player versus Pac-Man.”

“You may regret that.” Loki had a sly smile. He fluttered the fingers of one hand in the air, black painted nails dancing. “Those ghosts stand no chance against my reflexes.”

Tony grinned, loving his confidence. He walked Loki as far as his own classroom before they parted ways. He wanted to kiss him again, but knew that was dangerous in a hall where eyes could be anywhere.

Loki continued down the hall alone. He noticed the tiles under his feet quivering, shifting, rearranging their lines. He realized he hadn't thought about patternas all day.

_…running out of time…_

_…find them…_

“I'll find them when I want to find them.” Loki muttered.

He passed by a turn onto another hall… but then he stopped and turned back. The hall was devoid of life, save a little white rabbit.

Loki blinked.

It turned and started hopping down the hall.

_…down the rabbit hole…_

He turned in to the hall and slowly started after the rabbit. It hopped faster, and Loki picked up his pace to keep up. He was so focused on the rabbit that he didn't pay attention to where he was going.

He suddenly realized he’d found himself in the school’s indoor pool area, and blinked, looking around. There wasn't a single soul in the massive, humid room.

When he looked back down at the rabbit, it was gone.

“Lose something, Alice?”

Loki didn't turn around. He knew what was there.

Pietro casually walked forward, around Loki until he was facing him. He held the white rabbit in his arms. Pietro had a malicious smirk. And he brought friends.

Loki sighed. “And I was having such a nice day.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bamboozled you ;)


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

“Mankind brooks no competitors… not even its own reflection.”

― _Children of Time_

 

“Don't tell me you're still upset about that time I beat you.” Loki said tauntingly.

Pietro stood there, rabbit in hand, two larger students at his back. They had nasty looks on their faces.

“Heh, keep dreaming.” Pietro raised his chin haughtily. “If your Hercules hadn't shown up, you’d have had a bloody nose.”

“I don't know, seemed like you were the one who came out of it with a bloody nose.”

Pietro’s lip twitched, and he dropped the rabbit on the ground. Loki winced for the rabbit and it's violent fall. It looked dazed as it tried to hop away.

Pietro started forward, fists clenched. “It's time to put you in your place, freak.” The two men behind him followed.

_…thin the pack…_

Loki had an even expression. “Don't tell me you need _them_ to hold scrawny little me down for you.” He challenged. “Everyone will be so impressed, hearing how it took three of you to take down little Loki.”

Pietro stopped in his tracks, a look of pure hatred emanating from his face. He whipped his face around and spat at the two behind him. “Guard the door.”

The two bulky men made contemptual faces at Loki as they passed him on either side, heading for the open pool room entrance. Loki internalized his success. His odds were much better now.

_…fools…_

_…you know what to do…_

“Just one question.” Loki said.

Pietro gave him a look as he started slowly circling him.

“What exactly do you have against me?”

“You're a disease.” Pietro growled. “People like you. You're a disease to the human genome.” Behind him, he said softly in his ear. “I know all about your crazy. You should be rotting in a straight jacket somewhere, not free to run around endangering people or potentially passing on your broken genes.”

_…is he talking about us?…_

_…I'm not crazy…_

“I mean, I'm probably not passing on my genes, anyway.” Loki said pointedly, unfazed.

“Yet another manifestation of your disease.” Pietro sneered.

“Pretty sure there's no correlation between mental disorders and sexual preference.”

“You don’t belong at Rinhaven.” Pietro was in front of him again, lip curled. “This is a place for the best. Not vermin like you.”

Loki smirked, “Realistically? I'll be contributing a hell of a lot more to the human race than you ever could.”

“You have _nothing_ to-” Pietro stopped, and blinked. Then he smirked. “You're stalling. Hoping someone will come break this up.”

Loki shrugged. “I generally try to avoid bloodying my knuckles right before dinner.”

“Well, you're just wasting your own time.” Pietro said maliciously. He started creeping forward. “No one is coming. I've got all night here.”

_…side-step back…_

He lunged, and Loki neatly avoided, obeying the voices. Pietro staggered, but stayed on his feet, twisting around. He tried to grab Loki’s arm, but Loki slapped his hand away. His hands were up defensively.

“Stay still, you slimy little worm.”

_…how did he know?…_

Pietro growled, trying to catch him again. “This only ends one way, might as well get it over with.” Pietro was impossibly fast. But Loki had foresight on his side.

“True.” Loki agreed. He ducked under Pietro’s thrown punch and launched himself up at his torso.

“Oof!” The wind was knocked from Pietro and he stumbled back, slipping on wet cement and falling on his backside with a thud.

_…don’t let him up…_

Loki didn't waste time. He lept after Pietro, not giving him a moment recover. He landed on top of him, and planted a heavy punch to the face.

Pietro yelped as blood started gushing from his nose, grabbing it with his hand. “Get off me, fag!” He tried to throw Loki off, power under his arms, but Loki was one step ahead. He spun off, and when Pietro had raised his torso up off the ground in that moment, Loki was behind him, and had his neck in a choke-hold.

Pietro let out a an angry, gargled sound as Loki squeezed as hard as he physically could. His assailant’s face was turning red, his limbs thrashing, reaching his hands up and clawing at Loki’s arms in an attempt to rip him off. Loki hissed as Pietro’s fingernails dug into his arm, drawing blood, but he did not loosen his grip.

_…finish it…_

_…beat him so he’ll never hurt you again_ …

He felt the white-haired man beginning to lose strength when he suddenly felt a hand around his own neck.

He let out an involuntary gasp, choked by the strong fingers pressing into his windpipe, and was forced to release his choke hold on Pietro as he was dragged backwards.

He found himself on his back, pressed into the cold, damp cement by a heavy knee on his pelvis, a massive pair of hands squeezing impossibly hard around his neck. He couldn't breathe. He tried to cry out but only choked gasps came. He clawed and pushed at the muscular arms attached to the hands around his neck, but they didn't budge. His vision, the light around the dark shape of Pietro’s heavy minion, started to blur, and his ears were ringing.

_…time’s up…_

_…should have found them while you could…_

_…over now…_

Pietro had gotten to his feet, wiping the blood from his nose onto his sleeve. He paced around, sneering down at Loki as he was strangled, face turning purple. And he just watched. Loki’s vision darkened and he lost all strength in his arms, going limp.

After what seemed like forever, Pietro growled, “That’s enough.”

The hands released his neck and Loki gasped in air, then started coughing. He put a hand to his neck; his eyes squeezed shut from the pain.

Pietro knelt beside him. “You see? Why fight it. It would be so much easier just to leave.” His voice was calm, if a bit raspy from the pressure that Loki had put on his throat. “We won't stop coming. We never do. You'll leave, like the rest.” He stood up, and motioned for his friend to follow.

Loki managed to choke out, hardly a whisper, “Cheater.”

Pietro stopped in his tracks. He spotted the little white rabbit cowering nearby. He kicked it hard, into the pool, and walked away.

Loki coughed and forced himself up, his arms shaking violently. He dragged himself to the side of the pool. He could see the rabbit, stunned, trying to keep its head above the water.

Hardly a scrap of strength left in his body, he dropped himself into the water.

 

Tony was walking cheerfully from his dorm. He was taking the long way, and looking forward to seeing Loki at dinner. He hadn't gotten hardly a line of code into his AI project without thinking about that raven-haired young man today, and couldn't help a little smile.

As he walked, his shoe suddenly squeaked. Tony blinked and looked down. The fading remnants of what looked like wet footprints trailed all the way down the hall. He found it a bit odd, but he didn't think much of it.

That was, until he reached the hall that the Odinson brothers’ dorms sat, and he saw Loki’s door slightly ajar.

He frowned, and headed over. This better not be some asshole trying to steal anything.

When he opened the door, he was shocked. The light was off, the only illumination bleeding in from the hall. Loki sat in the middle of the carpet. He was soaked through, clothes and hair, and shakily wrapping something in a towel.

“Jesus, Loki! What happened?” Tony rushed over.

Loki barely acknowledged him, focusing on the bundle in his arms. Tony noticed a pair of white rabbit ears, as drenched as Loki, poking out from the towel.

“Did you jump into the water to save a- wait, what the fuck is that?” Tony caught sight of Loki’s neck. His pale skin was disrupted by huge, dark bruises.

Loki was shivering terribly, his eyes were bloodshot, and his teeth chattered. He didn't seem to care, though. All he cared about was drying the rabbit.

Tony put a hand on Loki’s shoulder and forced him to look his way, “Loki, seriously, what the fuck?”

“N-need to take it to the vet, t-think- broken bones.” Loki rasped out. His voice was deep and harsh and sounded like he was trying to talk through a straw.

“You're fucking soaked, put the rabbit down and let's get you dry, then I'll drive you to the vet.” Tony said sternly. He realized he wasn't going to get much more out of him at this moment.

Loki looked at him, bloodshot eyes bleary. He hardly seemed awake. He reluctantly nodded.

He kept the rabbit wrapped up and gently put it on his bed. He put another blanket on top, trying to keep it warm. While he did that, Tony went and grabbed a dry towel, bringing it over and droppingover Loki’s head.

He rubbed it on his head to dry his hair best he could before dropping it. Loki looked dazed and compliantly let Tony pull his shirt off over his head. Tony looked him over and frowned when he found a large bruise forming right below his belly. One of his arms had strange, angry red scratches, puffing up.

When he got Loki down to his boxer briefs, he wrapped him up in a towel and let him sit for a minute. He stepped over to the bed and carefully peeled back the towel around the rabbit a bit.

The little creature looked wretched, shivering, still damp. Its body twitched violently with every breath. One of its legs looked twisted the wrong way. “Jesus.” Tony breathed. Both Loki and the rabbit looked like shit, it was killing him to know what the hell happened.

He turned back to Loki and found that he had managed to get himself to his feet, and was shakily pulling out some dry clothes.

 

Eventually, Tony found himself in the driver’s seat of his sports car, Loki mostly dry in the passenger seat with the bundled-up rabbit on his lap. Loki had on a thick scarf to cover the neck bruises.

“So are you going to tell me what happened?” Tony asked calmly.

Loki slowly drew out of his daze. “Nothing I can’t handle.” He said hoarsely.

Tony frowned. “Loki, you're seriously fucked up. Who did that to you?”

Loki was silent for a long minute, looking down. “Pietro.” He eventually rasped.

Tony whipped his head to look at him, “Fuck, are you serious?” He felt rage begin to boil in his stomach. “I am going to fucking-”

“No, Tony.”

“The fuck if I'm not gonna-”

“Not yet.”

Tony glanced at him before looking back at the road.

Loki continued, his voice forced, “Its… more than him, I think he's… part of something.” He coughed, wincing. “He's just a pawn. Until I get to the bottom of it, I don't think it would be a good idea to retaliate. I don't know what we’re dealing with yet.”

Tony’s head was reeling. Pietro, the asshole track star, part of some kind of gang or something? And Loki, bless him; a complete mess, barely conscious, and he’s still there logically and strategically thinking things through.

“The fuck did the rabbit have anything to do with it, though?” Tony asked.

“Just collateral damage.” Loki rasped.

When they got to the vet, Loki didn't waste time getting the poor creature inside. Tony hadn't even turned the car off when he opened to door and carried it out.

Inside, Loki weaved a story to the animal doctor that he had seen a group of men abusing the creature and had tried to rescue it from them, when they threw it in the water. The assistants quickly took it off his hands and rushed it in for emergency treatment.

“Thor’s going to wonder where you are.” Tony said eventually as they sat in the waiting room.

Loki was looking at his phone. “Texting him now.” His hands were tremoring as he typed.

“What are you gonna tell him?”

“Not the truth.” Loki snorted. “He’ll turn into a full-on berserker and beat Pietro to a pulp.”

“I mean, I really wouldn't mind seeing a gory spatter in the parking lot when I get back and hearing that it used to be Pietro. I'd probably run it over for good riddance.”

“That would greatly please me as well, but I'd rather not see my brother behind bars.”

“Fair enough. How are you going to keep him from seeing the bruises? You can't wear a scarf forever.”

Loki shrugged. “Makeup, as always.”

Tony didn't like the implication of that statement.

A while later, the vet finally came out of the room to find them.

“We got her stabilized and warmed up.” She was telling them. “She was in shock, but we got her tranquilizers in time. She has a broken back leg and a few ribs, though.” She looked between them. “I know she isn't yours, but are you planning on taking her?”

Tony looked at Loki, and saw him nod. “Yes. What do I need to do?”

“We set the bones best we could and wrapped them, you just need to keep her sedated so she doesn't try to move for a few days.” The vet went on about the environment needed for recovery, medication, recovery time, and other details. Loki listened intently, despite how exhausted he looked.

When they left the vet’s, Loki holding a box with the sedated rabbit inside, Tony asked, “Are you sure you're up for handling it? I'm sure I can find someone else who can take care of her.”

Loki shook his head, looking down. “It's my fault she got hurt, I want to help.”

“It's not your fault, Loki. It's Pietro’s and whoever the fuck he’s with.”

Loki said nothing, and Tony knew he hadn't convinced him of that.

As they drove home, it was dark, and Loki nodded in and out of sleep in the passenger’s seat. Tony glanced at him.

He was never going to let Loki go around the school by himself again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor bbs


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

“Thank you for this... For dry eyes and silent weeping. You taught me how to hide anything I felt. More than ever, I need that now.”

**―** _Ender's Game_

 

Thor was waiting for them when they returned to the dorms. He was leaning against the wall between their doors, arms folded.

“Brother! The hero of the rabbit kingdom returns!” He grinned.

Loki had a tired smile, nonchalantly tugging his scarf tighter. Tony had insisted on carrying the box with the sleeping rabbit, and walked beside him.

Thor unfolded his arms and stepped forward, looking at the box curiously. “How is the small creature?”

“The vet said she’d make it.” Loki said, trying hard not to sound too hoarse. He told Thor he might have caught a cold or something in his endeavor, but hoped not to bring it to attention regardless. “But I don't think she’ll be very comfortable for a while.” He opened his dormitory door and stepped in, turning the light on. Tony brought the box in and Thor followed.

“I guess you'll have to get a real enclosure at some point?” Tony asked, setting the box down on the floor.

Loki knelt at the box and opened the cover. The bunny lay on her side, fur dry and fluffy again. Her back leg was wrapped up with white bandages.

“I'm skipping my first class for the store in the morning.”

“I will drive you.” Thor offered.

“If you like.”

They all looked down at the pathetic little creature.

“What are you gonna call it?” Tony asked.

“Curie.” Loki didn't hesitate.

“Ha, like Marie Curie? I like it.”

Loki nodded and yawned. Tony noticed with a bit of amusement how his hair had dried; a bit fuzzy, sticking up everywhere.

Thor gave his brother a wistful look. “You look tired, brother. Perhaps you should sleep so your cold does not worsen?”

“Mm. Sleep sounds nice.”

Tony and Thor left him to it, closing the door behind them.

 

Loki looked tired at lunch the next day. He had dark circles under his eyes, and a sleepy expression. Despite this, he surprisingly seemed in a good mood, actually eating his lunch and cracking jokes. His voice sounded better today.

Tony noticed that his outfit, while stylish of course, didn't cover his neck. Yet the bruises had magically disappeared. He was concerningly good at covering with makeup.

“Did you get the enclosure all set up?” Tony asked him.

Loki nodded. “My dorm is officially a bunny castle.”

Tony laughed.

“Um, hello, speaking of.” Natasha butted in. “Who the actual _fuck_ punts a _bunny_ into a swimming pool?!” She sounded enraged by the idea.

“I didn't recognize them.” Loki said. “Some douchebags.”

“Oh my god if I had been there I woulda fucking punted all of _them_ into the pool. Fucking monsters.”

“That would have been very satisfying to watch.”

Tony pictured Natasha kicking Pietro’s ass and dumping his body in the water; and yes, it was very satisfying indeed.

 

Tony insisted on walking Loki all the way to his class, despite it being in the opposite direction of his own.

“You're going to be late.” Loki told him.

“Eh, late is my middle name.”

“Anthony Late Stark. A grand name.”

Tony smirked. “You going to be up for the arcade tomorrow?”

“You're not getting out of it.”

“Ha. How are you feeling?”

Loki shrugged. “Fine.”

“Seriously? You got fucked up yesterday and you're totally fine?”

“I'm not exactly inexperienced when it comes to assholes.”

He didn't even seem fearful that it might happen again. That was the day it dawned on Tony that Loki was actually a low-key badass.

 

_There were at least eight of them, in that elementary school playground. Little Loki, tiny for his age, on the ground at their feet. Blood dripped from his mouth. He felt his eyes burning, but he didn't let the tears fall. He wasn't going to give them the satisfaction._

_“My dad said you're crazy.” One of the boys sneered. “He thinks the principle should be fired for letting something like you in with the rest of us.”_

_“He IS crazy.” Another laughed. “I saw him talking to himself yesterday. Crazy people do that.”_

_Loki said nothing, gazing at them evenly. It made them unnerved._

_That only encouraged them. The fear. Scared animals lash out. And they did. Loki didn't understand at that time, why other kids were afraid of him. He was too young to understand the psychology of it. The human instinct to fear something they didn't understand. Something that didn't seem to fit._

_Two boys had him pinned down and another was pressing his heel into his chest when salvation came. Golden hair like a halo around his head, Thor, big for his age and stronger than them all, ripped the boys off his little brother. Loki was too dizzy to understand what was happening around him._

_Later that day, Thor sat in the principal’s office. He was all scuffed up and in deep trouble. He miserably awaited his parents, who were talking to the principal._

_“I can't… I can't have fighting in my school. Your son broke three boys’ wrists…”_

_“You know he didn't start it.” Frigga argued fiercely. “It's those boys you should have in here. They should all be suspended. They're the danger to society, not either of my sons. What would have happened to Loki if Thor hadn't stepped in?”_

_Odin put a hand on his wife’s shoulder to calm her down._

_The principle sighed, and pinched between his nose. “I know… I've been trying. The other parents have been on my back. I just… I don't know if this school is the right place for Loki. You might want to look into other options. Homeschooling, for example.”_

_Frigga looked like she wanted to cry or beat someone up. “If the school system can't protect a little boy, what can it do? I'll have your job for this.” She stormed out of the office, leaving her husband to apologize for her outburst._

_Frigga knelt in front of her son. She ran a hand through his hair. “I know some other adults yelled at you today, and told you that you were bad.” She said softly. Thor had an incredibly sad look on his face._

_“But I'll tell you something. Sometimes you have to do what everyone says is the wrong thing in order to do the right thing. Sometimes you have to fight, when you know in your heart it's the only way.” She kissed his forehead. “You saved your little brother today. We both know there wasn't time to find a teacher. If you didn't step in in time…” She didn't want to think about it. “I'm not going to stand by and let anyone tell you what you did was wrong.”_

_Thor smiled, and wrapped his arms around her neck in an embrace. He had the best mom in the world._

 

Loki stared in the condo bathroom mirror. He’d just taken a shower, and the makeup had washed off from his neck.

The bruises were ugly. Purple and green and dark, in the shape of fingers. It wasn't the first time, standing in a mirror and staring at marks on his body made by others. Each mark haunted him until it faded. But the stories stayed, locked away in his mind. Stories stayed longer than bruises. Longer than scrapes.

Something inside him knew it would always be like this. He would always face those stories as they replayed in time. Replayed in new scenarios with new people but always the same. Scared people. Fear took many forms, but these ones were all the same. They were all those elementary school boys in the playground.

Sometimes he thought maybe that was part of why he wanted tattoos. He turned his shoulder a bit to look at the parts he could see at this angle. Maybe these were his own marks. His way of saying this body was his. Everyone else could mark him; but their marks would always fade. His would stay forever.

They could hurt him all they wanted. But they could never put him down for good. Loki may not always be able to avoid the beating. But he could get back up. And he always got back up. It was the thing he was best at. Getting back up.

 

Loki looked way too stylish for the arcade. Tony couldn't help being a bit star struck when he first saw him.

He had a fitted black coat that went down to his thighs in length, the shape showing off his slender figure. Underneath he wore an untucked gray button-up and a dark gray vest. His pants were dark jean and fitted, rolled up a bit at the ankles, and his shoes were dark brown Oxfords.

Tony was wearing a nice button-up, folded at the elbows, but now his dark jeans made him feel underdressed.

“You know we’re at the arcade, not the opera. Right?” Tony said. He was definitely a little bit too turned on by Loki in this outfit right now.

“These are my gaming shoes.”

Tony grinned and led him inside.

The arcade was busy, noisy with people laughing and the sounds of arcade games. The first floor was where all the modern and new games were, and it was always the most crowded. Tony didn't waste time taking Loki upstairs to the second floor. It became less loud and overwhelming, the higher in the arcade one went; because the games got older with each floor.

“Oh hey, this one is great.” Tony spotted a game. It was an Aliens shooter, two-player co-op with large guns to hold. There were people up here, and it wasn't exactly quiet, but Tony hoped Loki could hang in there. “You game?”

Loki was neatly twirling a token between his fingers and nodded. He could handle the chaos of voices pointing out all the excitement as long as he had something to focus on.

It was kind of funny, seeing thin little fashionable Loki holding a big plastic gun that required two hands. It looked so out of place. But boy did he have his game face on.

Tony never saw anything like it. Loki didn't waste a single bullet. He didn't miss a single alien, shooting down hordes strategically. He took command and even told Tony when to use his grenades or flamethrower.

By the end of it, they got through the entire level; Tony had had to throw in at least five rounds of tokens in exchange for resurrection, while Loki was still on his first.

“You've fucking played this before, haven't you.”

“Never been to an arcade in my life.”

“Are you serious?!”

“Like I've said before, I really don't get out much.”

Tony felt like his chances at winning against Loki at Pac-Man diminish to a small, small percentage.

They made their way to the top floor. It was significantly quieter up here; just a few guys playing their nostalgic old games or keeping up their years-long high scores. It was also a lot warmer, and Loki ended up taking off his jacket. He looked even slimmer without it, vest hugging his sides.

Tony led them over to the 2-player Pac-Man game. It was a table, with a stool at either side. A joystick on each side. Tony sat on one end, and Loki sat on the other.

“So, we each take turns, and when one of us dies, the next gets to take a turn. It goes til one of us clears all the dots.” Tony put in tokens. The game was flipped to his side, indicating he was going first.

Tony had been playing this game for years, and he considered himself pretty good at it. He usually beat Bruce or any other friend he’d challenged to it. His eyes were honed in and he turned the joystick perfectly like it was second nature.

He wanted to get as many of the dots as he could in one go, give Loki less of a chance on his turn, the first-turn advantage. He died with a good third of the screen cleared.

“Alright, show me what you're made of, noob.” Tony grinned up at him.

Loki cracked his knuckles.

Tony never saw anything like it. It was like Loki was reading the ghosts’ little digital minds and knew exactly what turns to avoid. He bravely came right up on them and turned last second, handling the joystick like a pro. He rounded them up and ate them with the power-up like a shark on a school of fish.

He didn't die once. The whole screen was cleared in one turn. Tony was speechless.

“Alright, you fucking had to have played before.”

“I watched Thor play it on the computer once, does that count?”

“I'm never playing video games with you again. Unless it's co-op and you're on my team.”

They went around the quiet upstairs, playing a few other games. Tony started badly singing Pinball Wizard when he convinced Loki to play and watched him nail it like the rest. A couple of other guys had come over from the commotion to watch the wizardry happen as well and looked just as impressed.

Eventually, though, it was time for the arcade to close. Loki was pulling on his jacket when Tony offered to drive him home. Loki declined, saying he’d be fine, that it wasn't too far. He wanted to walk. It was a cool night, and he wanted to clear his head.

“Alright, but text me when you get back so I know you didn't get murdered.”

“I'll try to text you even if I do get murdered.”

“I mean, I'm not entirely sure I wanna be with a murdered person so…”

“You'd break up with me if I got murdered?”

“It's nothing personal.”

“Nah, just shallow as fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the support and encouragement :)


	15. Chapter 15

****

**Chapter 15**

“I’m trying to keep track of all the ways this venture is likely to kill me...”

― _Children of Time_

 

Q2 meant new classes. Some of them continued on with the same professor in the same subject, so it was kind of like continuing the same class. But others got switched out for new ones.

Loki entered his new History class, and heard a voice call his name.

“Hey, Loki! Over here!”

He turned his head and spotted Jane waving to him. Behind her sat Natasha, who gestured to the empty seat next to Jane.

Loki went over and put his bag down. “We going to braid each other's hair and share gossip?”

“Uh, fuck yeah.” Natasha nodded. “And after that I’ll share all the dirty details on the big boys I beat up in Judo.”

“And then discuss Left4Dead strategies.” Jane added.

“You should see Thor and I’s Witch-hunt strategy in the sequel.” Loki sat down, turning to them. “I'll climb up somewhere high and snipe and when she comes after me, he’ll intercept and fuck her up with a chainsaw.”

The girls both laughed. “Oh my god that's genius.”

Then the door closed loudly, making everyone jump. They all looked up to see the professor, a stern-looking, aged man, with white and graying hair and a straight back.

_…don't fear the reaper…_

The man silently walked over to his desk, taking his time, and gracefully sitting down. The class was quiet. Eventually, the man looked up,”I am professor Lehnsherr. I will warn all of you just this once.” Some of the students shared looks. “Disruptions, off-topic chatter, tardiness, negligence, or perfunctoriousness will not be tolerated in my class, and will result in failure.” His tone of voice and humorless face told the students he meant that, and there was a lot of collective swallowing.

“Does this guy know he's teaching History?” Nat muttered under her breath.

_…spider will bite her head off…_

Loki braved a look and was thankful the professor hadn't seemed to hear her. When he looked back away from the professor, though, he caught someone else’s eye.

A girl in the front row blatantly peered at him from the corner of her eye. She had a curious expression on her sharp face, and the slight smile on her black lips had a maliciousness to it. She had a little voodoo doll squishy keychain pinched fatally between her fingers.

Loki looked away quickly. But he felt her burning gaze prickle the back of his neck.

 

Loki wondered about that girl as he and Jane walked down the hall together. As a pattern finder, of course he didn't dismiss the idea that she was connected to Pietro and whoever he was with. But the gaze in her eyes was different from Pietro’s. Where his were pure hatred, hers were more like… a cat watching a butterfly with a broken wing.

“Did you want to watch the rest of that dumb movie with Thor and I tonight?” He was pulled out of his thoughts by Jane’s voice.

“Hm? Oh, the one we started Sunday night that was too painful to continue through?”

Jane grinned, “That's the one!”

“I might be able to grit my teeth through- through it…” Loki felt his heart beginning to race.

“You okay?” The echoing voice of Jane, or what was probably Jane, looked concerned. Well, looked more like gelatin. Concerned gelatin.

Everything was wobbling, outlines bright and contrasting. What looked like animals, but not any recognizable animals, were dragging themselves out of the floor and walls. Tearing through, clawing out, gleaming eyes and fangs. Everything was darkening. Closing in. Fur and bone and skin.

Something cold wrapped around his arm and he looked and- it was Jane.

Loki blinked. Just Jane. She had grabbed his arm. He was just in the hallway, lit by windows and lights. A few students were looking at him funny.

Jane’s eyebrows were furrowed. “What's wrong?” She asked quietly.

Loki let out the breath he realized he’d been holding.

“Do you need your medication?” She kept quiet to keep from being heard by onlookers.

Loki shook his head, looking down at his shaky hand before beginning to head back down the hallway. He hoped she’d let it be.

_…you know she won't…_

 

The voices were right. And he knew better than to think he’d heard the last of it. While they paused the awful movie so Loki could get some more hot cocoa, Thor cornered him in the kitchenette.

“Jane said you were acting strangely today. Like you were hallucinating.” Thor said, his voice low as he casually rummaged through the cabinets.

Loki sighed. He loved Jane, but he shouldn't have known better. “It's nothing.”

“Maybe you should start taking your medication more regularly-”

“Not necessary.” Loki cut him off, gritting his teeth. He’d heard this uncountable times before.

“Loki.” Thor looked at him seriously. “Please, listen to me.”

Loki raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything.

“I know you don't like how they make you feel but… maybe if you take them enough, you won't notice it anymore.”

“But I don't need to take them.”

“I just… worry you may not know what you need, brother.”

_…oho, he said it…_

_…he said it…_

Loki’s lip twitched. Thor flinched. He knew what was coming.

“I am in control of myself.” Loki spat at his brother. “And no one tells me what I need except me.”

Thor looked down. “I just don't want you to hurt yourself again…”

“I'm not listening to this again.” Loki turned away bristling, leaving his hot cocoa on the counter untouched. “I know what I'm doing.” He muttered, and stormed out of the dorm.

Jane came out of the bathroom. “Where’d Loki go? We still have 23 minutes of pain left.”

Thor sighed.

 

Later that night, Loki sat on the floor of his dorm, resting his chin in his arms as he looked into the rabbit enclosure. Tony sat beside him, leaning back on his arms. He’d come over to smooth down his raven-haired boyfriend’s bristling feathers when he vented to him via text.

“He doesn't understand; by coddling me he's only pushing me away.” Loki said bitterly. “I can't tell him anything that happens anymore, or I’ll have to hear about the meds again. I'm afraid he’ll have me committed.”

“Can he do that?”

“Probably.”

“Would he?”

“If it meant I’d be safer.”

Now they sat there quietly, both in their own heads. They watched as Curie shakily hopped to her food bowl. She was still bandaged up, but Loki was allowing her to wander without the sedative now. She was able to eat without having to be fed through a tube.

Tony eventually broke the silence. “What did you mean exactly, when you said it was your fault Curie got hurt?”

Loki was quiet for a long moment. Tony thought he might not respond. But eventually, he said, “I have a bad habit of antagonizing dangerous people.”

“You never did anything to Pietro to warrant what he did.”

“No. But I could have kept quiet and maybe he would have been satisfied and left her alone.” He looked thoughtful. “Hell, wouldn't be the first time just keeping quiet would have made them hurt me less.”

Tony frowned. “How often does this happen to you?”

Loki shrugged.

Curie cautiously hopped over to the edge of the enclosure, poking her nose through. Loki slowly put his hand closer, but she shied away.

“So… why do you antagonize, if you know you'd be better off not?”

Loki had a fine smirk. “Because it gets to them.”

Tony raised an eyebrow.

“They can bury me in the ground, but as long as I can talk, say something snarky, they know they haven't won. And they’ll always know that.” Loki’s kept watching the rabbit. “Makes me feel better. They can physically do whatever they want, but they can't ever win.”

“I mean, I'm not one to talk, but that's going to get you killed someday.”

“Probably.”

 

The days went by fast that week. Loki gave Thor the silent treatment for a while, but eventually let him off the hook after he’d begged for long enough, after the third offering of hot chocolate left at his door. What a drama queen. But he was hard to stay mad at.

Loki and Tony spent more of their breakfast mornings together. Possibly at least in part because Tony intended to make well on his promise to himself not to let Loki go around the school by himself. Plus, he thought it was cute, how messy Loki’s hair was in the morning. He voiced this one day.

“Have you looked in a mirror?” Loki said with a wink.

Of course, he wasn't going to get away with being all flirtatious like that. Tony made a point to let him know that by dragging him into a janitor’s closet to make out.

It of course hadn't gone unnoticed that Pietro sported yet another broken nose, as well as some strange bruising around the neck. It wasn't out of the ordinary; he got in a lot of fights. Sometimes ones that didn't go as smoothly as he hoped.

But Tony noticed the timing. He couldn't help but smirk every time he saw that swollen nose walk by.

Sure, he also wanted to murder him. But Loki had a point.

Pietro hadn't won.

Loki hadn't gone down without doing a number on him first. Pietro sported more marks and couldn't hide them like he could. And Loki had the last word.

Like he’d figured out very recently. That scrawny guy that looked like he would lose a fight against a twig? He was kind of a badass.

 

He didn't feel like a badass right now, though.

_…he’s coming…_

The lights were too bright, in that History class. The professor’s voice ground like stone in his ears. Every squeak of a shoe against the tile. Shuffle of paper.

_…look…_

_…look at the lines…_

The tiles were quivering and shimmering. Loki squinted his eyes, hoping the glare would die down. The motion was making him nauseous.

_…he doesn't know…_

_…how could he not know?…_

It wasn't working. The light was so bright, like the sun. Burning.

_…burning…_

He wiped his forehead, his hand shaky. He felt so warm. And his head pounded. Every sound like a sharp needle poking into a balloon, holding the air in, but waiting for the next needle… the next one might pop it.

_…burning!…_

_…run, get out!…_

Head throbbing, he tried not to make a scene as he stood. Just going to the bathroom, that's all. Everyone goes to the bathroom. He tried to keep his clammy hands from shaking, tried to keep his eyes open.

_…all ravens are black…_

He made it out of the room, into the empty hall and leaned against the wall, panting. He felt like he’d been wandering the desert. So warm. Head hurt like when he forgot to have water all day.

_…don't fall asleep…_

He slipped down to the floor. The lovely, cool floor.

_…running out of time…_


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

 

“Our lives are just our genes and our upbringing. We simply act out the script that was forced upon us.”

― _Children of the Mind_

 

Loki sat on the floor outside the classroom. Thankfully, there was no one in the hallway.

The burning and the pain was starting to ease, replaced by a steady throbbing. He had broken out in a cold sweat, heart beating fast, ears ringing. But it was dulling now, calming. Now he just felt tired.

He sat there, catching his breath for a while. He wanted to get up. The longer he sat there, the bigger a chance someone will see him. But it just felt so nice, sitting there. He had a hard time ripping himself away.

However, after a while, he eventually began to open his eyes, and noticed something odd. A red, glowing line across the floor in front of him. He opened his eyes completely, and the line began to raise up off the ground, floating in the air.

_…hurry along the trail…_

Eventually he felt like enough strength had come back to him to slowly push himself up off the floor and to his feet, keeping his eyes on the line. He followed it with his eyes and watched it flow down the hallway and disappear around the bend.

_…before it disappears!…_

History class and incident forgotten, he began walking after it. It disappeared behind him as he went along, flowing out and dissipating like a wake. But he was focused forward.

On he went through the halls, footsteps echoing, passing unnoticed by students going to and from classes. Just a shadow.

It passed through a window, and Loki opened the door to follow; out into the sunlight.

 

Tony had left his class a little early to go meet Loki after his Algebra class. He knew he had History with Natasha and Jane and walked with them to his next class, so he usually felt it was safe to leave him to that.

He reached the room just as the first students were beginning to exit the class, and leaned against the wall to wait. However, time went by, students as well; and he didn't see Loki.

Tony looked into the classroom. No sign of him there either. Odd.

He turned and started towards Loki’s next class. Perhaps he had left for it early for some reason?

But when he reached the class and looked in, he realized he wasn't there either. Fear started rising in Tony’s throat.

He caught sight of Jane walking his way, and moved to stop her.

“Hey, girl. Have you seen Loki?” He asked, trying not to sound too affected.

He noticed something flash passed her eyes… concern perhaps? But she hid it quickly. “He left halfway through History class and didn't come back. Maybe he wasn't feeling good?”

Shit. “Yeah, maybe. Oh well, see you at lunch.”

They parted, both seeming distracted. Tony pulled out his phone and sent a text to Loki, trying not to word his asking for his whereabouts as worried as he felt. He didn't want to be another Thor to him.

Perhaps Jane had been right, though. Maybe he just wasn't feeling well and had gone to his dorm. That was the next logical place to look.

When he opened his door, however, there was no sign. Curie popped her head up to look at Tony as he entered the room, but she seemed to be the only living soul inside.

He wasn't in the library or cafeteria either. Tony was out of breath from running around the entire school, a bit of sweat forming on his forehead. Perhaps it was also panic sweat. A feeling of dread had filled him. What if Pietro had gotten to him again? He couldn't help but think.

A couple of hours went by. No text response, no answering calls, no sign of the raven-haired young man anywhere. It was time to take more drastic measures.

Tony, panting and swallowing, found the classroom he was looking for. He quietly opened the door and went in, trying not to disturb the lecture. A few students looked at him curiously, but said nothing.

Tony stepped up to the man he was looking for, leaned in by his desk and said quietly in his ear, “Your brother is missing.”

Thor’s blue eyes opened wide as he looked at Tony. He quickly stood up, throwing his bag over his shoulder and briskly stalked out of the room, Tony on his heels.

Once outside the classroom, Thor turned on him. “What exactly do you mean, ‘missing’?” He hissed.

“I looked everywhere, he's not in his classes or his dorm or… anywhere.” Tony breathed, trying not to sound too panicked. “He's not answering calls or texts. It's been hours.”

Thor’s fist was clenched, he looked afraid, and he thought aloud, “Shit, what if he is lost in a-…” He stopped himself quickly, looking at Tony as if just remembering he was there.

Tony grit his teeth. He supposed there was no avoiding this. “I know about him, Thor. His condition.”

Thor’s brows furrowed. He looked surprised.

“You think he’s run off in an episode.” Tony almost hoped it was that. It was better than the alternative.

Thor turned away from him, running a hand through his hair. “It would not be the first time.” He sighed, and then glanced sideways at Tony. “I did not realize you were… that close. To my brother.”

Tony swallowed nervously. “What do you mean…?”

Thor shrugged. “He does not tell anyone about his condition if he can avoid it. He must trust you.”

“I mean, we’re pretty good buddies I guess.” Tony didn't meet his gaze. “Anyway, what exactly the fuck do we do?”

Thor had pulled out his phone and was scrolling through something. “Start looking for him.”

“I basically ran through the entire school.”

“He may not be on the premesis anymore.”

“Oh. Shit.” He started imagining Loki walking around in the streets. Maybe that wasn't better than the alternative. He could at least trust that Pietro wouldn't kill him. Not so much cars or crazy people.

“Come. We will go show his picture around. Perhaps someone has seen him.” With that, Thor headed down the hallway, Tony in hot pursuit.

 

The first person they showed Loki’s picture to was one of the school security guards at the gate. Thor held up a photo of him on his phone. In the photo, he was sitting in a camping chair, and looked annoyed. Likely an unwanted candid.

“Oh, yes. Saw him head out a few hours ago. He looked like he was on a mission.” The guard confirmed their fears.

“Did you see which way he went?” Thor asked.

“Took a left out of the driveway, I think.”

They thanked the man, and then headed to the parking lot.

“Should we split up?” Tony asked.

“Yes.” Thor pulled out his keys as they came up on his car. “But call me immediately if you find him.”

Tony stopped hesitantly for a moment. “What happens if… we don't find him.”

Thor sighed, “Then we involve the police. I hope to avoid it, though. Once we do that, it is likely the end of my brother’s secrecy.”

As he headed over to his own car, Tony hoped it wouldn't come to that. Loki worked so hard to put up an image of normalcy. Of course, that was the least of their worries at the moment.

 

_Ten-year-old Thor heard the car driving into the garage, the echo bouncing through the walls. He paused his game, and stood up, stretching. He headed out of his room and down the stairs, seeing his mother stepping into the house, hands full of grocery bags._

_“Hey, honey. Can you grab your brother and help me with the groceries?” She asked._

_Thor looked at her in surprise. “I thought he went to the store with you?”_

_Frigga set down the groceries on the counter, blinking. “No…? I thought he was playing with you?”_

_They both shared a look of sudden, creeping worry._

_“Loki?” Frigga shouted out to the house._

_No answer. Thor ran off to search the house. Perhaps he was napping somewhere._

_Frigga opened the front door and stepped out into the sunlight. She spotted one of their neighbors out watering her lawn._

_“Karen, have you seen Loki?”_

_The woman looked thoughtful. “I did see him pass by my window… I wanna say maybe two hours ago? Why?”_

_Frigga looked white as a ghost, and didn't answer. She just turned on her heels and ran back into the house._

_They searched for hours, and it was starting to get dark. They scoured the neighborhood, asking everyone if they’d seen him, and been pointed in a general direction. They drove for a while down the road. But still no sign of the little raven-haired 9-year-old._

_They had called the police, and an alert had been sent out. But still they received no calls that he had been found. No news, and they all feared the absolute worst._

_Frigga’s eyes were red when they returned home. Odin had left work immediately to come and help search, and now he held his wife to comfort her._

_“We will find him.” He assured her._

_It was 9PM when a cruiser finally pulled up into their driveway. Frigga, who had been watching the window obsessively, bolted out the door immediately._

_The officer was getting out of his car when he saw her. Rather than saying anything, he simply stepped over to the back door of his car and opened it._

_Frigga felt like the biggest weight had fallen from her chest when she saw the pale, little face of her son. He looked bewildered, and tired, but here he was, slowly stepping out of the cruiser. Frigga fell to her knees in front of him and wrapped her arms around his thin little frame, squeezing him tight, feeling hot tears falling down from her eyes._

_“I found him walking down the side of the freeway miles from here.” The officer said quietly. “I couldn't believe how far he got, just walking like that.”_

_Frigga pulled away from the hug, still holding her son by the arms, “What on earth were you doing, Loki?” She asked, her voice distraught._

_Loki looked at her blankly. His hair was dusty, his arms scraped up. “Following a light.” He said matter-of-factly. “It was leading me somewhere important. I guess I'll never know why, now.” He sighed._

 

The sun was starting to get low in the sky. Thor pulled over at yet another cafe where an employee was standing outside, holding free samples. He felt these were the people who held the best chance of having seen his brother, being outside for so long.

He had luck with a couple of them, and a few others said he looked familiar. It wasn't surefire, but it was something. Perhaps he was on the right trail.

“Excuse me.” Thor addressed the young man holding a platter of little chocolates.

“Free sample?”

“No, thank you. Have you seen this man at all today?” Thor held up the picture on his phone.

The man scrutinized it. “Oh, yeah, that kid. Completely ignored me like, maybe ten minutes ago.” He sounded annoyed.

Thor felt his heart skip a beat. Only ten minutes ago? “Which way did he go?”

The man nodded his head in a direction. “Sure you don't want one? They're our new-”

But Thor was already dashing back to his car.

 

Tony couldn't remember the last time he had felt so worried about anything in his life. Well, he could remember one time. But this was a little different. And he didn't want to think about that.

The stress was exhausting him, but the adrenaline kept him going. He had peered down every alleyway this side of town, skimmed through every park.

He pulled over at a sidewalk. A group of rugged-looking people were standing around, many with their backs against the rough brick. They didn't look very friendly, but they did look like they’d been there a while.

“Sorry to interrupt.” Tony said to them, walking up. They all eyed him suspiciously. Their eyes bloodshot, teeth stained. “Have any of you seen this guy?” He held out his phone, a picture of Loki from their fair trip.

Most of the people ignored him, but a few of them glanced at the picture. They all muttered ‘no’ or ‘get lost’, except one.

“What do you want him for?” He had dirty hair, a gap between his yellow teeth, and a lisp.

“He’s my friend, and he’s been missing all day.” Tony explained. “I just want to know if he’s safe.”

The man looked surprised. “Loki’s gone?”

Tony looked even more surprised. “You… know him?”

The man’s face twitched and he looked away. Tony thought he heard him swear under his breath. Tony didn't like this at all. Why did this sleazy addict know Loki? “Look, I don't... I just need to know if you’ve seen him today.”

“No.” The man growled, heading away, deeper into the alley. “Now fuck off.”

 

It was nearing dark, Thor was beginning to give up hope. He wasn't really surprised. It was a big city, a big maze, and Loki was small. A needle in a haystack.

And that was when he spotted him.

His heart lurched in his chest and he nearly veered into the other lane when he saw that choppy raven haircut. The pale skin glowing under the streetlight. He was turning into an alleyway, melding into the shadows.

Thor didn't waste any time in pulling over. It was a no parking area and his car would probably get towed, but he didn't care. That didn't matter right now.

“Loki!” Thor shouted as he leapt out of his car. He was disappearing into the dark.

Thor ran after him, the alleyway swallowing him up. He turned on the flashlight mode on his phone. There was no sign of him, but the alley continued down and turned a corner. There was only one way he could have gone, and Thor hurried down.

The alley just kept going, and going. It was getting too dark to see far down it, even with the flashlight. It kept twisting and turning.

“Loki!” Thor shouted again, desperate.

When he rounded one more corner, the light flowed over the dead end, and the figure standing there. A dark, formless shadow.

“Loki?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funny story; I got really drunk and accidentally told my husband about my secret fanfiction life and he ended up being very encouraging so I guess we can all thank him for this chapter?


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

 

 “That is the problem with ignorance. You can never truly know the extent of what you are ignorant about.” 

_― Children of Time_

 

“Loki?”

The light from Thor’s phone bathed his little brother in the cool glow. He walked towards him, slowly.

Loki was looking up at the dead-end wall in front of him. The final, dying beams of the sun crawling across it slowly. He briefly glanced over at Thor before turning his head back up again. He had a determined look in his eyes that confused Thor.

“Loki…” He edged closer. He didn't know the nature of the delusion, and didn't want to scare him with sudden movement. “What's going on? Why are you here?”

“I was following a light.” Loki answered, his voice even and casual, as if that statement was an everyday thing. “There’s something important here.”

Thor finally stood an arm’s length from him, studying his face. He seemed absorbed with the wall. Thor looked up at it as well, but it was shrouded in dusk. The light beams teased at the edges, but he didn't see anything to look at.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pill bottle. “Loki, I need you to take something for me…”

Loki looked at him again, lowered his eyes to the pill bottle, and scrunched his nose. “I'm not having an episode. I don't need that.”

Thor was surprised. The normalcy in his voice, the lack of evident distress; he almost believed him. And that was somehow worse than finding him in a psychotic state. His face reddened, “What the fuck have you been doing, Loki? I have been driving around searching for you for hours!” Did he not care about the distress he caused him?

Loki frowned. “Hours?” He looked around, realization hitting him. “I guess I lost track of time.”

“Lost track-?!” Thor bit his tongue and turned around, trying to calm his breathing. After a moment, he finally turned around again. Loki was looking at him curiously.

He gripped his brother’s arms, like sticks in his muscular hands, Loki winced. “I nearly called the police, Loki.” It was all he could do not to shout, but he could not hide the anger in his voice. “Do you have any idea how much I have been freaking out? I swear to god, you have turned my hair white.”

There was a fearful flash across Loki’s eyes as he scrunched up in his brother’s grip. He’d never seen Thor like this before. “I…” He was at a loss for words.

“Why did you not answer Tony’s texts? I tried to call you dozens of times, and it went straight to voicemail!”

“Tony…?” Loki blinked. He pulled one of his arms out of Thor’s grip, and reached into his pocket for his phone. He hit the button, but nothing happened. “Oh… it's dead.” He blinked at the black screen.

Thor gritted his teeth, and released his brother so he could clench his fists without worrying about snapping those bony arms. “I cannot fucking believe-”

But Loki wasn't listening anymore. He was looking up at the dead-end wall again. The light beam had faded. “No, no no no the light is going-” He tried desperately to turn on his phone, to no avail. He turned to Thor. “Can I use your light?”

Thor’s expression was furious, “No, Loki, you cannot have my light, we are going home right now.”

“Please, Thor. It won't take a minute.” Loki sounded desperate. He was looking up at him with his bright green eyes, pleading. He saw anxiety creeping up in them.

Thor hesitated for a long moment, and then scowled, ripping his phone from his pocket and handing it over. He never could resist when he had that tone, that look; and he hated himself for it sometimes.

Loki took the phone graciously and flipped the light on. He wasted no time, and turned it towards the wall.

Thor looked up as well, and then breathed out, anger melting away.

Illuminated by the flashlight, the graffiti was like nothing he’d ever seen before. It was perfectly symmetrical. It abstractly seemed like a solar system, with orbit circles and planets, but no solar system he knew. This was alien.

The lines were clean and sharp. The space between every line was filled in with a variety of colors, different spectral patterns in each. Stars that almost looked like they were blinking. Each planet was painted with wild, swirling colors. The sun was a giant, black scorch mark. The only part that wasn't colorful.

It was magnificent. Strange. Alien and wonderful. In a lot of ways, it reminded him of Loki’s own work. Which was the strangest thing of all.

“What… how did you know this was here…?”

“The light brought me.” Loki said, not looking away from the wall.

It wasn't the first time something incredible like this made Thor wonder. But the feeling was fleeting. This was too overwhelming. Too strange. He was done with this.

“Come, brother. Let us get you home.” Thor sounded tired. He didn't have the energy left to wonder. He was done with strangeness for the day. For the week, even.

“One second.” Loki was moving the light around now, looking for something. When he found it, he pulled up the camera app.

“What is it?”

“The signature. I have to find the artist.”

“Loki, you are not going around looking for delinquent graffiti arti-”

“Can you send me that picture?” Loki asked, handing Thor his phone back.

“If I do not, will it keep you from searching this person out?”

“No, I'll just recreate it. But you’d save me some time.” Loki started back down the dark alley, back the way they had come.

Thor, reeling, followed behind him.

 

They walked in silence, and Loki did feel bad. He’d been so focused on following the light, not losing it, that he hadn't even noticed how much time had passed. He’d been so absorbed, he didn't consider the fact that he was leaving the school grounds, that people might notice, might worry. He’d thought of nothing else.

Thor mentioned Tony. Was he looking for him as well? He wished his phone wasn't dead, so he could let him know not to worry. He wished he’d been able to see his texts in the first place, to let him know he was fine.

He knew this was bad. Really bad. Thor would never let him out of his sight again. He blew it. All the progress he’d made in gaining his trust. All the work he’d put into maintaining normalcy. All gone in an instant. The realization hit him all at once. The cold gripped his stomach, rising inside of him.

_…he’ll lock you up now…_

_…he didn't deserve this…_

These things weighed on him too heavily to rejoice in his victory today. To wonder about his discovery. He would feel the excitement again tomorrow, he hoped, when he ran through the image in his head again. When he began his search for the artist.

But right now he felt terrible. And tired. Mostly tired.

 

Thankfully, the car was still there when they reached the sidewalk. Thor opened the passenger door, and Loki obediently went and sat inside.

Thor closed the door, then sighed and pinched between his eyes. It had been a long, stressful day. More stressful than he’d experienced in a long while. He was finally feeling like he could leave his brother to his own devices for the past several months, and that feeling was shattered today. It felt like he was back to square one, like they were children again.

His emotions were exhausted, but he remembered Tony. He needed to tell Tony that he didn't need to search anymore. He didn't feel like calling, so he sent a text, put his phone in his pocket, and went around to get into his car.

He glanced over at his brother. He seemed tired now, deflated. Nodding off. Like the past several hours of walking around the city had suddenly hit him all at once. Thor intended to scold him further, but it could wait until tomorrow. He turned the keys in the ignition.

 

A figure in the shadows watched as the car drove off. A smile in the night. And then it was gone.

 

Tony was waiting for them in the school parking lot, leaning against his car, tapping his fingers on the metal door anxiously. Thor hadn't given him much in that text. ‘Found him’ didn't tell him whether Loki was okay or not. It didn't even tell him whether they were actually coming back here versus their condo.

He had tried calling, but received no answer. That text was a relief in some ways, and a new source of anxiety in other ways.

To his relief, Thor’s car finally drove into the parking lot, parking a little ways away.

Tony reached the car when the brothers were just getting out. In retrospect, there are a variety of reasons he shouldn't have done it, but he was too rushed with emotions to stop himself and he ran up and gave Loki a big hug.

Loki seemed startled under his tight squeeze, and Tony’s spout of words didn't help, “Jesusfuckingfuck I swear to god if you ever-!”

Within a second, though, he remembered Thor’s presence, and pulled away, blushing. “I mean… shit, I’d fail Chem2 without my genius lab partner?” He braved a glance at Thor. Thor gave him an odd look, but he just seemed exhausted. At least he didn't accidentally kiss him.

“Come, brother.” Thor said gruffly, and began towards to dorm building.

Tony looked back at Loki, who was looking up at him with his bright green eyes. He looked tired, but okay. He looked like he wanted to say something, but couldn't find the words. Instead, he sighed, and started after his brother.

Tony wasn't left with nothing, though. As Loki passed him, he gently brushed his fingers against Tony’s arm. A touch that said a thousand more things than the words he wanted to say. Tony had a million questions, but that was enough for now.

He realized how exhausted he was as well, the adrenaline wearing off. And he followed the brothers into the building.

 

Loki was allowed to check on and feed Curie, but after that Thor brought him to his own dorm and locked the door, taking the key away with him. Loki thought that was a bit excessive. All he wanted to do was sleep. But he didn't complain, and went over to the couch, laying out the blanket.

After a moment, Thor stood over him, holding out a pill bottle.

“I really don't need-”

“Just take it, Loki.”

Loki stared at him. Thor sounded so defeated, looked so tired, that he reluctantly took the bottle.

Thor didn't leave until he watched Loki swallow the pill. And when he did leave, he didn't even say goodnight. Loki watched him go, disappear into his bedroom, leaving the door open.

He sighed and let himself slide down onto his side on the couch. He’d never seen Thor like this before. Sure, he’d gotten frustrated with Loki plenty of times. But never angry.

He thought he knew why, though. Thor had finally started trusting him, maybe feeling like he could move on with his life, and Loki would be okay without him, and he’d ruined that today. Or maybe he was angry that Loki would do something so selfish, letting him worry like that. Or maybe it was pent up anger. Or maybe…

His thoughts started getting fuzzy, the medication kicking in. The voices muffled, then quiet. He pulled the blanket around himself, and fell asleep.

 

There were voices all around him. Not the voices Loki was used to. Those were quiet. These voices were unfamiliar, and loud. He couldn't understand what they were saying.

Everything was blurry, he couldn't make out faces or figures or even where he was. It was kind of dark, the red glow of what was probably firelight, based on the smell and stifling heat.

He was packed in with bodies, moving about and shoving past him. He tried to worm his way out of the crowd, feeling claustrophobic. He couldn't breathe. He pushed and shoved and clawed his way past arms and bodies of laughing people that he couldn't see.

At last he erupted from the crowd, falling to his knees. He hissed as the warm stone floor scraped them. His hands throbbing. But he could breathe again.

His ears suddenly rang with the distant echo of metal clanging against stone, yet the source of it landed right next to him. It was strange, the sound bouncing through the air like water. The metal object was a dagger. He stared at it with bewilderment.

Laughter erupted again, and Loki looked up. Surprised, there was one figure that was not blurry. It was hard to focus, and his vision shifted, but he could make out the image of a man. He was leaning casually against a stone wall, bathed in firelight. His hair was long, his beard full and thick; and he was beautiful. He couldn't help but stare. This was the most beautiful man he’d ever seen. His features fine and chiseled, his eyes clear. His chest was bare, and well-toned. He noticed Loki looking at him, and winked.

Suddenly, a hail of arrows rained down, glinting in the firelight, moving in slow motion. They headed straight for the man. Loki tried to shout, to warn him to get out of the way, but no sound came from his mouth. Or if it did, he couldn't hear it. He felt like water surrounded his ears.

The beautiful man did appear to notice the arrows anyway, but he did not seem concerned. The arrows met their target, but to Loki’s surprise, they bounced right off of the man’s skin. Laughter erupted from the blurry crowd.

The arrows scattered in all directions, one sliding across the floor near Loki. He looked at it. It was tipped with metal, and sharply pointed. There was no reason they should not have pierced the man’s skin.

A sudden scream broke him away from the arrow. The scream came from the crowd, but Loki looked at the man. He was looking down at his chest, an expression of shock on his face. Something was embedded into his flesh. A wooden arrow with a few leaves at the end of it.

Around where the arrow was pierced into the skin, the veins started turning green, webbing out, until the sickly color consumed his body. The man fell to his knees, gasping, and then onto to his side. Loki pushed himself up and went over to him. His eyes were white and lifeless as they looked up into the darkness above.

Wailing went through the crowd. Hands reaching out, coming closer. Loki tried to back away but a cold hand grasped his arm, nails digging into his flesh. The arms pulled him backwards into the sea of bodies.

There was shouting and crying all around him. He struggled, but many hands held him. He was overhwhelmed, but through it all, he finally made out words;

“…your fault! You killed him!”

Loki tried to defend himself, he didn't do anything! But his voice was gone. He felt choked, the room was getting hotter and hotter. He realized the fire was all around now. The blurry people were screaming, turning to ash. With horror, he watched the skin on his own arms begin to turn red, bubble up, sear away…

 

Loki woke up with a inward gasp, as he had not breathed for a time. He sat up, shaking, feeling sick to his stomach. He looked down at his arms. Smooth and unburned, but glistening with cold sweat. His head, though. He felt like his head was on fire.

 

When Thor had let him out to go get dressed in his own dorm, Loki tripped over something in the doorway. He looked down at the object with tired curiosity, reached and picked it up.

He felt cold grip his stomach. It was a little sackcloth voodoo doll, and the head looked like it had sat under a lighter for a little while. Blackened, fraying. It wasn't possible.

He fearfully looked around for the owner of this doll, knowing they were long gone. The medication was still in effect, but his mind still made a connection. That girl in his history class had a little voodoo doll keychain. The one who stared at him maliciously. He shivered.

Outside, snow was beginning to fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope at least one of you got my mythology reference :>


	18. Chapter 18

****

**Chapter 18**

 

“None of us could be happy for long, doing nothing.”

_― Ender's Game_

 

Whispers around the school said that winter arrived earlier than it had ever been in anyone’s memory. One day it was a sunny autumn, the next it was snowing and gray and cold.

The snow was sudden and it did not stop. The grounds were blanketed in white. It was a wonder. An impossible wonder.

Some were distraught, the ones who hated the cold. The summer kids. Others were excited, like children on the first Christmas snow. The ones who were more than ready to crack out the skis and snowboards.

But the last four days were miserable for Loki. The day after his trip around town was Friday. Saturday and Sunday spent in the condo, trapped in by the snow. The weekend gone. Monday went by. Came and went. It was all a haze.

Thor insisted he take his medication every single day. Any time Loki tried to refuse, he got this look in his eyes, in his face, this tone in his voice that made Loki feel guilty and take the damned pills from his big hand. He made sure he swallowed them too. Couldn't hide them between the couch cushions or in the plants like he did as a child.

The silence was driving him mad. He missed the voices, even the mean ones. The ones that made him want to scream sometimes. He found himself bumping into people in the halls without the attentive warnings and instructions.

He struggled in his classes, too. He never struggled in class before. But the voices weren't there to dredge up the memories of what he had read, procure visions of the textbook images. The medication made him feel fuzzy as well.

Strange, frightening dreams came to him every night. Like the visions his brain used to give him were suppressed and this was the only way it could show him, and it was angry about that. His brain was angry with him and so his dreams were awful.

In one, he watched a solar eclipse darken the sky, watched in wonder at the dark orb up there, highlighted by a halo. The sun and moon parted, passed by, the light came back. But then, two celestial wolves appeared, stars tangled in their great manes, their dripping saliva made of stardust.

They each chased either the sun or the moon, slow as they ripped away from each other, pulled back by clawing gravity. Easy prey, now. Each wolf simultaneously lept onto the sun and the moon, wrapping their massive, fanged mouths around the bright orbs, and swallowed them whole.

The sky went black. No sun. No moon. No stars. The stars ran away in fear when they saw what the wolves did. The world was bathed in darkness. The cold came then.

Loki heard a cracking sound. He looked down, but too late. The ice broke apart and into the void he fell. He fell through the winter and below, at the end of the darkness, a lake of lava. No time to react. He woke up feeling like he was on fire again.

The rest of his dreams were filled with wars in a cold, dark, frozen wasteland. Brutal and bloody. Brothers killing brothers. Bright red blood spraying across the snows. Loki was just a spectator in these. But sometimes one of the warriors would look at him. A venomous glare. Accusing. Like all of this was his fault.

He felt more tired when he woke up than when he was falling asleep.

He couldn't understand why Thor would do this to him. Surely he knew how terrible it was? It was like having an arm cut off. Didn't he know that? He wanted to make him understand. But Thor barely spoke to him. He didn't seem any happier than Loki was. Good humor gone. His face was hard. Jane noticed. It put a damper on her cheerful spirit too.

And Tony. They looked at each other wistfully from across the lunch table. They hadn't been able to speak freely to each other in four days. Hadn't been able to sneak anything intimate. Thor never let his brother out of his sight, picking him up from class and dropping him off. Even if Tony did join them, they couldn't talk freely. Say the things they wanted to say. He longed for Chemistry class, when they would be alone. Soon, but not soon enough.

He tried drawing, but all he could do was squiggle, and he soon gave up. He spent the lunches in silence, hands still, mind quiet. He tried to do his rituals. But he couldn't remember any of the sacral patterna. Couldn't picture them in his mind.

Four days without the voices inside his head or the ones outside his head, days without pattern finding and visions, days without the brother he knew, without Tony, days of strange nightmares and the silence was driving him mad and he felt so alone he’d never been so alone before-

“Thor.”

Thor has just begun to stir from sleep when his eyes were startled open. The sunlight drizzled down, alighting his golden hair and striping across his blanket-covered body. He looked up.

Loki was sitting at the foot of Thor’s bed. PJ shirt hanging off his shoulder. Hair a mess. He looked like he hadn't slept a wink.

Thor propped himself up on his elbows, the morning sore on his back. “What's wrong?” He tried to speak clearly, through the waking slur.

“I can't take it anymore.” He sounded like he wanted to cry. Sounded so exhausted. “I'm so sorry, Thor. Please stop being mad at me.”

Thor blinked, trying to process this. He felt the hardness in his heart begin to crumble. What had he done?

Loki looked down, hair falling over his eyes. “I know I messed up in every imaginable way. I should have made sure my phone was charged. I shouldn't have left the school grounds. I shouldn't have scared you like that.” He was quivering. Thor could feel it through the mattress. “Please forgive me. I'll take the pills but please be Thor again. I just… want things to go back to normal…”

Thor felt horrible. He had been too hard on Loki. It came from care, from fear, from love. But that didn't make it right. Didn't make it the right way to handle the situation. He had to make it right, now.

He untangled from the blankets, brought himself over and hugged his little brother tight.

“I am so sorry, brother… I am not angry with you. I just…”He sighed, and then nodded to himself. “I will be better. Things will go back to normal. I promise.”

Loki did not respond, and Thor heard him breathing. He looked down, pulling away from the embrace. Loki was fast asleep. Head lolling to the side.

Thor blinked, and then, stifling a laugh, gently lowered his brother onto the bed. He would let him sleep. He looked like he direly needed it.

But regardless whether his promise was heard, he intended to keep it.

 

Loki had heard his promise, sort of. Though he was falling asleep, so he thought he dreamed it. So it was strange to be confronted with a happy Thor for breakfast. Almost disconcerting.

“Brother! It is pancake day once again!”

And so he found himself back in that morning, in the beginning. Thor cheerfully helped himself to as many pancakes as he could be allowed. Loki with a single one in front of him. He felt like he should be painting his nails or something.

He’d kept his own promise, though. He took the pills. That's what was different about this morning, he realized. But he didn't feel so bad about that now. Thor wasn't mad at him. That was all that mattered. He felt better than he had in days.

“Well, now I know what to do if Thor and I ever get in a fight.”

Loki glanced up as Tony plopped himself down across from the brothers, a plate of his own pancakes. Jane, who had tagged along behind him, sat next to him, looking at the brothers tentatively.

“Just let him know it's pancake day.”

Thor laughed. “There is something truly invigorating about breakfast pastries.”

Tony and Jane both clearly noticed that something was different between the brothers this morning. A weight had been lifted. It was evident to anyone who knew where to look. And it was a relief to see. Jane was visibly more relaxed than she had been in days, seeing that they had reconciled.

To Tony, though, it was still strange to see Loki without a book, his drawing app, or notebook, though. He didn't look as miserable as before. But it seemed wrong. Him just sitting there, doing nothing to occupy his mind.

He seemed like a cat that just had its balls cut off. All wild lust gone. Content to lay in the sun forever.

 

While he had been told what Loki was doing running around the city that day in formal terms in front of Thor, Tony never actually heard the details. Or what Loki had found, exactly. Whatever it was, it was enough to make even Thor seem strangely hesitant to explain.

So of course when Chemistry finally came around, he asked him about it in a quiet tone so his classmates couldn't hear. Concerningly, Loki seemed to find it difficult to recall.

“Some kind of weird graffiti? It must have been a sacral patterna, but I can't remember what it looked like.”

“You? _You_ can't remember?” Tony was shocked.

“The visions would remind me but…” Loki looked absent-minded. But not the absent-minded Tony was used to. It didn't look like gears were turning behind his eyes. He didn't look occupied by deep thoughts at all.

“When is Thor gonna stop making you take the meds?”

Loki had a look on his face that he couldn't place. “I don't know. He only just stopped being angry with me this morning. I don't really want to push my luck. Maybe I’ll keep taking them for a little while.” He winced at the thought, though.

Tony gave him a sympathetic look.

“In the meantime, I guess I need to learn how to study and learn like a normal person.” Loki looked up at the board wistfully. “How do you remember all those formulas?”

“I mean, I personally have a pretty damn good memory.” Tony smirked boastfully. “And I don't need anything whispering in my ear for it.”

Loki stuck his tongue out at him.

“But normal people take notes.” Tony said with a grin. “Think you’ll be able to sneak off to the library today?”

“I mean, Thor hasn't been babysitting so far today, so most likely.”

“Nice. I’ll teach you how to study like a normal person.”

 

He didn't get the chance, though. When Loki finally arrived in their secret area of the library, where Tony had already been sitting, he pleasantly surprised Tony by going over and sitting right on his lap.

They spent the entire break making out, Loki sitting there with his arms around Tony’s neck. Tony’s fingers tangled in his raven hair. Hungry kisses they’d been starved of for far too many days. Breathing each other in.

Tony shivered with excitement. Loki wasn't usually quite _this_ affectionate. He wondered if it was the medication. He decided he liked medicated Loki.

Loki felt free today. Like a huge weight lifted from his chest. He felt happy.

 

Of course, what was a good day in Loki’s life without something bad happening. Sometimes it seemed like the universe was saying he wasn't allowed to have a good day.

Today, it happened when Loki was coming back to class from the bathroom. Walking down the empty halls.

He started feeling dizzy, the feeling creeping up on him. He ignored it until he couldn't anymore; when suddenly everything went to shit.

The floor pulled out from under him, and the sickening feel of falling gripped his stomach. No time to even yelp as the blackness swallowed him up.

He landed on his hands and knees, seeing stars, feeling dazed. It was still black all around him. Under him. Empty and cold and nothing.

A hissing noise sounded all around him, and he whirled his head to follow it. It seemed to rise, and it become louder. He put his hands over his ears. He could see nothing. Didn't know the source, though wasn't sure he wanted to. He wanted to shout in fear, but the air stuck in his lungs.

Suddenly, something appeared in the darkness; a massive tidal wave, coming up fast. Loki scrambled to his feet, but it was too late. The wave crashed over him, violently ripping him from his feet and sending him whirling. He thrashed, the water enveloping, he couldn't breath.

The water was boiling hot and he felt like his skin was melting off and he wanted to scream it hurt so bad and he couldn't breathe and-

And then through everything he heard a distant scream. Many screams. Muffled through the water. He could barely make out what they said.

_…listen to me!…_

_…why won't he listen?!…_

_…please please please…_

_…bring me back!…_

_…you’ll die without us!…_

_…Loki please!…_

Loki came out of the vision with a gasp. He choked on the air, but he opened his eyes. The darkness was gone; the water too. The screams. It was just the empty hallway. Silent.

He was on his hands and knees, shaking violently. He didn't understand and he felt horrified. He was on the medication, how could this happen? How could it?

“No, no… it can't… it's not.” Loki choked under his breath.

His skin still felt warm, from the boiling sea. He had broken out in a cold sweat. He wiped his forehead and oh it was burning, far more than the rest of him. He felt sick.

“Feeling a little warm?”

Loki turned his head in the instant the voice behind him sounded.

That girl from History class. She was leaning against the wall, half-hidden in shadow, fiddling with something in her hands. She wore a red jacket that hung down to her knees. Brown hair flowing over her shoulders. Lips black as her nails.

Loki looked at her wearily, and then looked down at his hands where they rested on his knees. He didn't feel like dealing with this right now. But he remembered what the voices told him about her.

“Wanda, is it?” He asked. Slowly, he struggled to his feet. He still felt weak and shaky. He faced her again. She just leaned there, a hint of a smile on her face, eyes dangerous.

“You’re Pietro’s sister, aren't you?”

“Well now, you're observant. Most people don't know that.” She looked naught more than amused.

“You have the same eyes.” That cold, pale blue. Little flecks of gray in that same pattern. “Family business?” He gazed back at her evenly. This was dangerous. If she had anyone with her, he wouldn't stand a chance without the voices. He might not even if she was alone. He had to keep her talking, until classes ended and students filled the halls again. “What do you people want with me?”

She snorted, pushing off the wall. She flipped the object in her hand; a lighter. Silver glinting in the light. “We want you to give up your silly, futile goals and leave. I thought we made that clear?”

“Why? What have I done to you?”

“Nothing.” She slowly circled him, her gait casual. “It's what you might do. You’re dangerous.”

“Dangerous? I've never hurt anyone. Well…” His lip twisted up slightly. “Anyone except your brother. But that was intentional.”

Wanda stopped and looked at him curiously. “Don't tell me you still think this is about your illness?” She sneered.

Loki frowned. “Your brother made it pretty evident.”

Wanda laughed, clasping her hands behind her. “My brother is a moron. A simple henchman. They tell people like him we fight the corruption of the gene pool, that's enough for them.”

Loki felt a cold grip his stomach. “What, then?”

“Don't play dumb. I know you're not.” She pushed her hair aside casually. She seemed comfortable threatening people. “We know what you’re trying to do. And we’re never going to let that happen, if we have to kill you for it.” That malicious smirk was back.

Loki just blinked at her. His mind was running as fast as it could, but it held nothing for him. No clues. He wondered if even the voices would have anything for him now. He wished he could find out. “I think you’re mistaken. I'm not trying to do anything.” He said, ignorance and anxiety evident in his voice. He couldn't help that.

She looked at him in surprise now, stopping her pacing. Her eyes studied him, eyes running up and down. She laughed. “You really don't know. You’re really running around blind.” She looked amazed. “That's almost more impressive than if you knew.” She shook her head, smirking dangerously. “Well… I suppose that won't matter much longer.” She flipped her lighter on, looking at it casually.

Loki looked at it too, uneasy feeling. When he looked back up at her again, she was looking back. Blue eyes glinting dangerously. Her smile bordering on manic. She flipped the lighter back off, turned and stalked down the hall like nothing happened.

Loki let out the breath he had been holding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More mythology :>


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

“The ambiguity of flesh made for a vastness of possibility that simply could not exist in a binary world.”

_― Children of the Mind_

 

Loki didn't pay much attention to the rest of class. Not that it mattered, much. He probably wouldn't have learned anything anyway.

He was badly shaken, and his mind was fuzzy and numb. He wanted to run through all that had just happened. Process it, think of reasons, figure out what to do next. But he just couldn't. He needed help. He needed the voices.

Was it them, the ones screaming in his vision? It sounded like them. They knew him. It sounded like they missed him as much as he them. Like they needed him as much as he them.

He stifled a laugh. He was thinking like they were conscious beings. But they are just vocal fragments of his own conscious, he reminded himself. Nothing more.

 

Tony was heading to his dorm. He felt kind of tired, and wanted to go play video games and drink and pass out. Maybe enough drinking to stay asleep tonight.

Truth was, like Loki, he was also having nightmares. Combinations of bad memories and imagined future scenarios, sometimes jumbled up into one. He’d always been one to try to stay in the now; he couldn't change the past, only learn from it. He couldn't control everything in the future. Some things, sure. But not the unknown. So the best thing to do was to let them go and take things the way they were now. It was the only way he could get by.

So when that familiar old sadness started creeping up again, he shook it off. He couldn't change what happened, and it did him no good dwelling on it.

Of course, drinking helped too.

When the end of the hall was in view, though, he spotted that familiar slim figure walking down the connecting hallway, and called out to him.

Loki stopped and waited for Tony to catch up.

“Hey, any interest in shit-faced gaming?” In all honesty he kind of just wanted to be alone tonight, pass out from that alcohol without worry. But then the idea of continuing what they started in the library crossed his mind, and then his brain started going down the rabbit hole…

“Alcohol and medication don't really mix…” Loki reminded him.

“Oh shit, right. Well we don't have to drink-”

“I'm kinda tired, Tony.” And Tony realized he really did look exhausted. He’d looked tired all week, but he just looked burnt out now. “I think I'm going to try and get some sleep early.”

“Oh, yeah no problem.” Tony’s eyes knitted in concern. “You alright?”

Loki looked hesitant, like he was trying to think of the best way to say something. “I…” He glanced around. “Maybe we can talk in my dorm?”

Now Tony was really concerned. “Yeah, definitely-”

All of a sudden, Tony’s phone started blaring, startling both of them.

“Jesus fuck I thought that was on vibrate.” He pulled his phone out and looked at it, frowning. “One sec, I need to take this.” Loki nodded in understanding, so Tony stepped aside to take the call.

Loki watched Tony’s face go from mild concern, slowly transitioning to wide eyes and shock. This couldn't be good. He felt anxiety rising within.

After several moments of hushed words, Tony finally put his phone down, staring at it long and hard.

“What's going on?” Loki’s soft words brought him out of his stupor.

“It's… my friend Bruce. There was an accident at his lab, I…” Tony stammered, couldn't think clearly. “He's in the hospital.”

There was silence for several long moments.

“Go see him.”

Tony looked up, blinking. “But you…”

“I'm fine. We can talk when you get back.” Loki gave him a reassuring nod.

Tony nodded back, shaking off the shock and replacing it with a determined goal. “Okay. I'll see you when I get back.” He gave Loki a peck on the cheek; too distracted to worry about who might be looking, and started walking briskly down the hall.

“Let me know how he is later.” Loki called after him.

“Will do!” Tony said over his shoulder, and was gone.

 

Loki was laying back on his bed, one hand on his stomach, the other gently stroking the little white rabbit that was nestled beside him. It had taken a long time to get Curie trusting humans again, but now she seemed relaxed in his presence.

He wished he could just sleep, but he was worried. He hoped Tony’s friend was okay. He didn't know Bruce personally, but Tony mentioned him a lot. He knew they had been best friends since they were kids. Tony would be absolutely devastated if anything happened, and Loki wished to all the powers in the universe that everything would be fine.

Something else also hit him. He had been about to tell Tony what happened that day; with the vision, and Wanda. But he all of a sudden realized maybe that was a bad idea.

Tony had always been the one person he could trust, confide in. And it pained him, the idea of keeping something like this from him. But he just didn't know what was going on, and he wasn't sure it was safe to drag Tony into it. It might endanger him as well.

He didn't know what these people had on him. Had he seen something he shouldn't have? Maybe during his search for patterna? Looked the wrong way, at the wrong crowd. Maybe when he was creeping around alleyways? He was always too focused on his goal to notice much else. He saw himself as invisible, but clearly someone noticed.

He didn't want to, but his mind kept running. Flipping through memories, trying to find something. Anything. Any clue. Anything suspicious he’d ever seen, any time he’d been in what could have been the wrong place at the wrong time.

His brain ran and ran until the thoughts blurred into dreams and he was asleep.

 

One of the perks to being the son of a billionaire was having a private helicopter.

Granted, Tony didn't utilize it all that often. The only time he travelled was in the private jet on the rare occasion his father forced him on one of his business trips. But now he was really glad to have it, because it got him to the town Bruce was in real fast.

Still, he found himself impatiently tapping his foot, waiting for the damn helicopter to land when the pad was in view. And the second it did, he was undoing his seatbelt.

“Sir, please wait until the helicopter is stab-”

“Nah.” Tony was jumping out before the engines were off.

It was strangely less snowy here than it was a few towns over.

He had a car waiting, a man in a suit opened the door when he got near.

It was all kind of a blur, really. Running through the checkpoints. They never seemed to end. He made a mental note to invent personal teleportation later. One to Bruce, one to Loki. Maybe one to the Victoria’s Secret changing room.

It wasn't until he was coming up on the big, clear walls of the quarantine room in the hospital that it all came crashing down on him.

He went up and got close to the glass. He could see a body on a hospital bed, connected to what looked like hundreds of tubes and wires. All inside another bubble, covering the bed. A big glove box. The skin he could see looked white, covered in strange, spidering marks. He couldn't see his face in the wall of wires and equipment.

Tony turned to one of the doctors standing outside as well. “Is he going to make it?” The words felt like ash in his mouth. He was talking about his best friend.

The doctor looked a bit lost. “I don't know. We’ve never seen anything like this.”

“Why is he in quarantine?”

“He… his blood… it's off the charts.” The doctor looked amazed. “The concentrated radioactivity… I don't know how he’s still alive.”

Radioactivity? “What the fuck happened?” Tony demanded.

Another doctor, female, came up behind him. “Ask him yourself. He’s awake.” She gestured to the door. Tony never heard such beautiful words in his life. Bruce was conscious?

“What, we’re just letting anyone in there now?” The first doctor looked irritable.

“You know this is Howard Stark’s son, right?”

“So what?”

“He's contained. It’ll do him good to have company.” She turned back to Tony. “Go on in, hon. Just stay a few feet away from the chamber.”

Tony nodded. He felt shaky, but he went towards the door. A pair of security guards opened it for him. Security guards? What the hell were they for?

Now that he was closer, he could see that Bruce didn't look as close to death as he first thought.

He was sitting partially upright, fighting through the wires and tubes to mess with some kind of tablet. His eyes were open. He looked exhausted, circles under his eyes. He was definitely pale, and the spidering markings looked like strangely green veins. But he seemed bright-eyed and lucid as ever.

“Bruce?”

Bruce looked up; the wires around his head bouncing; and spotted Tony.

“Tony! What are you doing here?”

“I feel like I should be asking you that.” Tony crossed his arms, slowly circling the front of the bed, looking at the mess of wires. “What the fuck did you do to yourself, Bruce? You look like shit, and that ass out there was talking about concentrated radiation.”

Bruce looked sheepish. “I, ah… well, I guess there's no use softening it now.” He sighed and put down his tablet. “That big project I was working on? It wasn't working on the mice, but I… well, I just knew that it would work on humans, but they wouldn't let me run a trial. So…”

“You fucking did an experimental treatment on yourself?” Tony was appalled. “You don't even have cancer!”

“I mean, the experiment didn't need cancer cells to show results.”

“What the fuck did you do?!”

“Well, lets just say it involved gamma radiation. Like, a lot of gamma radiation. And CRISPR.”

Tony scrunched his face up. “You fucking nuked yourself?”

“I’ve noticed you’re swearing a lot, which you usually do when you're angry, but-”

“I am fucking angry, Bruce! How could you do something so stupid?”

Bruce sighed and sat back, looking down at his arms. “I know. I messed up big time.”

“The doctor said he doesn't know if you're going to make it.” Tony choked out.

Bruce just rolled his eyes, though. “He doesn't know anything about any of it. I'm totally fine.”

“How are you fine?!”

“Look, yes my blood is toxic as fuck now, but it's not hurting me. Like, at all. My body is totally fine with this.”

Tony stared at him.

“It's really just anyone else that might be affected by it. Like, if a drop of my blood ended up in someone’s system, they'd be dead. I'm not really sure about other effects yet. Would you believe I've been declared a biohazard? Maybe they’ll lock me up in Fort Detrick.” Bruce snorted. He sure seemed amused by that notion.

“I… I need to sit down.”

 

For the first time in a very long while, Loki simply woke up to his musical alarm. The sun was streaming in through one of the bent rungs on the shade, and he was calm.

He didn't have any nightmares, that he remembered. Nothing weird. Just a peaceful morning, with the soft rustling of Curie digging in her bedding.

He wondered if it was the promise he made to himself last night; that he wasn't going to take the medication today. Maybe his brain decided to stop punishing him for it, or was getting ready to unleash hell when the effects wore off later. He hoped for the former.

He dragged himself out of bed, crossed the room and pulled up the shades. The sunlight streamed in force, and he squinted against it. He felt oddly clear. Must be the calm before the storm; he felt a foreboding. He could not remember the last time he had come off of medication. Perhaps it was when he was a child. It was too long ago to remember what it was like, but he knew it would not be pleasant.

He then thought to look at his phone and see if there was any news from Tony. He felt a sudden anxiety fluttering in his stomach as he went for his phone, which increased as he saw in the notifications section that he had indeed a text from Tony; and a missed call.

He quickly unlocked the phone and opened the message app.

 

**Just wanted to let you know he's fine. I'm gonna hang out here for a bit, see you tomorrow xoxoxo**

**-Tony**

 

He snorted at the cheesy way Tony ended his text, but felt a flood of relief wash through him.

 

After a quiet breakfast with Thor, Jane and Natasha, Loki found himself walking alone to his first class of the day. He had a queasy feeling in his stomach. They could come back at any moment. The voices and the visions. He was already noticing odd wobbling lines where light met shadow.

He tried to keep the panic from his breath. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to go to class after all. He wasn't feeling so great.

“Loki?”

He jumped out of his skin at the voice behind him. He turned to see who had called him, but… he blinked. No one he recognized. No one even looking at him. Just a few students sleepwalking like zombies through the hall, minding their own business.

Odd. Maybe it only sounded like his name. He continued down the hall, turning onto one barren of life. He decided he was going to go to the library rather than class right now.

“Loki!”

He whirled around. No one. What was going on?

“Loki, it's me, I'm back!”

After several sickening minutes of having no idea where this voice was coming from, he finally realized… it was in his head. It had sounded so real, so unlike them but… it was them.

… _we’re back!…_

_…I'm alive!…_

_…oh it's so good to feel you again…_

_…did you miss us?…_

_…of course he missed us, he loves us!…_

_…please, never do that again!…_

_…we are here for you Loki…_

_…we’ll never leave you again…_

Loki pressed his hands to the sides of his head and tried to keep from crying out. They were so loud and so many like an entire stadium shouting at him at once and the whole world was shifting around him and he found himself falling to his knees-

_…you'll die without us!…_

They all laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, got too into my other fic!


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

“The universe promises us nothing; I extend the same to you.”

― _Children of Time_

 

Loki sat in that empty hallway, back against the wall, head swimming with words that all blurred into nonsense.

“Be quiet, please.” Loki whimpered, begging, head in his hands. “Quiet…please…”

Slowly… over what felt like forever; slowly the voices quieted. Some becoming silent, some lowering to a whisper. Like a sharp pain ebbing away. Finally, it was bearable, and he addressed them once again.

“I let you out, now help me.”

… _with what?…_

_…oh now he needs our help…_

_…only back because he needs us…_

_…doesn't really care…_

_…what do you need help with?…_

“With Wanda.”

_…what, the witchy girl?…_

_…why?…_

_…do you like her?…_

“No, what happened with her yesterday, obviously.” Loki found their confusion quite alien. Usually they knew exactly what he meant; as they should, being a part of him.

_…we weren’t here yesterday, stupid…_

_…silly boy, can't help what we don't see…_

_...what happened?..._

_…should have brought us back sooner…_

Loki felt a dark, cold dread flow from his stomach up through his skin. The voices… didn't know what happened yesterday? But they are part of his mind, shared his memory; why couldn't they see his memory? The cold ran through him in waves and he felt dizzy. What the hell was this?

He pushed himself off the ground, shaky as he stood up. His gaze was distant as he started walking down the hall as though in a dream.

 

Every time he asked the voices how this was possible, they had the same answers. They ‘couldn't help what they couldn't see’, as though that was so obvious and they couldn't believe Loki didn't understand. He felt numb and distracted as he passed other students in the halls.

Suddenly, he was pulled from his thoughts by a hand grabbing him by the shirt and pulling him backwards. Startled, and immediately on alert, he whirled around to look at who had grabbed him, thoughts racing.

But it was just Natasha with her red, curly hair; arms crossed and smirking. She had dragged him into a secluded spot between the lockers in the corner of the hall.

Loki blinked up at her. “Uh, hello again?”

“So, when were you planning on revealing your little secret?” She smiled, somewhat maliciously.

Loki felt a sinking in the pit of his stomach, and he swallowed. How had she found out? Did she hear him talking to the voices earlier?

“I… what do you mean?” He tried to feign ignorance.

“Oh, don't play dumb. Maybe you’ve got the others fooled, but they’re not observant like I am.”

Loki found himself trembling. “Look, Nat, I… it's really best no one knows, people have tried to hurt me for it in the past…” His voice was desperate. If she told anyone about his condition…

But she only scoffed. “Oh, please. If anything, people knowing you're involved with Tony would keep people from messing with you.”

Loki blinked. The dread melted away, and was replaced by confusion. “Wait, what? …how did you…”

“Oh, please. The way you two look at each other, how he picks you up after classes… it would be so obvious if people weren't so daft.” Natasha grinned.

Loki felt relieved. She hadn't figured out his condition after all. This was good. Although…

“Please don't tell Thor. Or anyone who might tell Thor.” The panic was back in his voice.

“Hey, I'm the queen of keeping secrets. But if you guys are serious, he’s gonna have to find out eventually.”

Loki looked down. He’d found his face reddening. No one knew about him and Tony except him and Tony; and now someone else knew and that was kind of weird. “I know, but…” He frowned. “Wait, you really think if people knew they wouldn't bully me about it?”

“Oh, absolutely. The Stark family has the whole city by the balls. No one would risk retaliation by going after someone involved with them. Hell, they’d probably treat you nicer if they knew.”

Loki let that run through his mind.

“Though, that would require everyone actually knowing.” She said pointedly.

Loki sighed. “I have no idea when or how we’re going to do it, but we’ll figure it out.”

“Well, hey, if you need any help, I'm actually pretty good at that kind of thing.” Nat smiled kindly. “Besides, you're a damn cute couple, and I’d hate to see Tony murdered by your brother.”

She winked and walked away, leaving Loki standing there blushing.

 

Loki had a lot running through his mind by the time History class came around; the first return since his incident. He hadn't been looking forward to seeing Wanda, who shared this class. But thankfully, she had stayed in her chair and didn't so much as glance at him.

Professor Lehnsherr was roving about, passing out test results from the last class. When Loki received his own, he looked at it in surprise.

A big, red F blazed across the top of it, like an evil scar. It was jarring; he’d never seen that before in his life. On Thor’s homework, sure; plenty of times. But not on his own work. He didn't understand. He knew he had gotten all of the answers right. Why had the professor failed him?

Loki stared at it, reading and re-reading through the entire test and comparing it to the answers that the voices gave him. Comparing them to the book itself; all until class ended. He waited until the other students had left before he brought the paper up to the professor’s desk.

“Professor…”

“Class is over, mister Odinson.”

“Why did I fail the test? I got all of the answers right.”

“You left my class early and did not return.” The white-haired man said. Loki looked into his eyes. They were icy cold, no warmth to be found. “That constitutes a failure.”

“Sir, I…” Loki glanced over his shoulder to ensure no students remained. “You know of my condition. I had to leave bec-”

“The real world does not care if you hear voices, mister Odinson.” The professor pressed his fingers together, and Loki blinked at him in confusion. “It does not care if you see things that aren't there. Progress does not care what your reason is; if you are not present to make it happen, then you are a hindrance to it. The real world will not take excuses, boy. Thus, neither will I. You were not present for my class, and I do not care the reason. Thus, I have failed you. I will not change my mind on it.”

Loki found himself not knowing what to say. The voices had nothing for him, either. He stared into those cold eyes. There was something more, underneath. Under that icy, cool gaze. Something the teacher tried to keep lidded, but the longer he looked at Loki, the more the mask fell.

Hatred. Thats what Loki saw there. And finally, the confusion he felt was gone. The anger and feelings of injustice, gone.

Because now Loki understood.

Face hard, he turned away, leaving the old man to his empty room.

 

It was at the end of Loki’s last class, as he headed out the door, that he finally saw Tony’s face for the first time since he left to visit Bruce. He looked a bit tired as he leaned against the wall, clearly waiting for Loki, but in good spirits.

“Hey, there you are.” Loki greeted him.

Tony flashed a grin at him and pushed himself off the wall. “There’s that pretty face. Ready for dinner?”

They walked side-by-side towards the lunchroom, and Loki couldn't help but feel self-conscious after what Natasha said earlier. He hoped they weren't obvious to anyone else; anyone he couldn't trust like he trusted Nat.

“How is Bruce?” Loki asked Tony.

“Eh, fine I guess. I don't wanna talk about that asshole right now.” Tony sounded grumpy.

Loki looked at him in surprise. There was a story there, but he would ask another time.

“What did you want to talk about, before I left?” Tony asked, changing the subject. “It's been killing me all day.”

Loki felt a shiver run through him. “I… was just going to tell you that I was planning to come off my meds today.” He was prepared for this question, but it still felt weird, and wrong, to lie to Tony. Strange, considering he’d been lying all his life.

Tony looked at him with concern. “Oh? Did you?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you okay?”

“I mean, it was jarring at first, and still a bit… too noisy.” Loki said, truthfully. “But, yeah. I'm okay.”

“Jeez, kinda wish you waited til I was there.”

“Me too. But it needed to happen.”

Tony looked at him searchingly, and then nodded. “Well, it’ll be good to have you all back. Hungry?”

“No.”

“That's more like it.”

 

—

 

Sunlight gently streamed through the window shades, and Tony stirred awake. Weird, he didn't usually leave the blackout curtains open, preferring to wake up to his alarm at the very last second.

He blinked, and looked around. Something was off. A slow realization came to him… this wasn't his room. Where the hell was he?

Then, he was startled by a gentle snore, and looked down.

It was Loki’s thin, sleeping form, lying on his side facing Tony. The blanket they shared draped over him from the abdomen down, but his pale chest was bare. Tony looked down at his own bare torso, trying to remember what happened in his fuzzy, sleep-gripped mind. He glanced down off the side of the bed, and saw his own clothes crumpled on the floor.

Oh, that's right.

 

It had started out innocently enough.

Loki had invited Tony to hang out in his dorm, as they had many times before. Over hot cocoa, Tony explained everything that had happened with Bruce, to the best of his knowledge. Loki was amused and horrified at the same time.

“When are they going to release him?” Loki had asked.

“We don't know.” Tony said. “They have to make sure of a shit ton of things before they can even consider letting him out into the world. Hell, he might end up on lab arrest for the rest of his life. Not that he’d mind. He’d never leave the lab if he didn't have to.”

Loki laughed at that. He hoped to meet this Bruce sometime. He had a feeling they’d get on.

When it was Loki’s turn to tell about his day, he described what it was like to come off the medication, carefully leaving out the strange revelation at the end of it.

“Also, uh…” Loki looked down, feeling a bit embarrassed. “Natasha apparently knows about us.”

Tony looked at him in surprise; and then laughed. “I guess that's not surprising. She's more intuitive than anyone I know. She's called me out on a hell of a lot in the past.”

“Can we trust her?”

“She's never given me a reason not to… when it mattered.” Tony said, a funny edge to his tone. It was his turn to look away, and Loki saw the expression of someone remembering something not quite pleasant in his face. He knew better than to ask.

The pair played with Curie, who, although still being rather skittish when it came to sudden movement, was happy to be pet and eagerly hopped towards open hands of treats. Then they lay back, side-by-side, on Loki’s bed; propped up by pillows, as they watched some nature documentary on Netflix on the wall-mounted TV.

As it got later, their interest in the TV waned, especially when Tony turned to nuzzle Loki on the ear, and it turned into a gentle makeout session. Slowly it became more heated, and Loki found himself under his boyfriend’s weight, gripping his shirt to keep him near, face warm as they kissed each other wantingly.

It wasn't long until he felt Tony’s arousal pressed against him. It wasn't the first time he’d felt it, but this time… Loki felt a cold, shivering thrill run through him, and he pushed up on Tony a little with his hands, breaking the kiss.

“I… I think I’m ready…” His face was pink and bashful as he looked up into those warm, brown eyes.

As Tony looked down at him, a smile slowly spread across his face as he realized what Loki was trying to say. “Oh, fuck yes.”

It was a heated whirlwind of Tony’s hands under his shirt, clothed grinding of Tony’s hard-on against his own, and trailing kisses that got Loki worked up, pupils dilated, open-mouthed breathing. Before he knew it, he found himself on his belly, stripped down to his boxer briefs, gripping the pillow as he felt Tony’s fingers gently trace the inked lines on his back as he straddled him, kissing him on the back of the neck and breathing cool breaths across it, making him shiver uncontrollably.

Tony kissed down the length of his back, slowly, one kiss after another, until he got to his tailbone. Loki held his breath as Tony gently pulled down his boxers. They’d never been fully naked in front of each other yet, and Loki found himself feeling the exposure, glancing back out of the corner of his eye.

“Jesus.” Tony breathed, just admiring for a moment. “Your ass is even better than I imagined.”

Loki blushed, biting his lip as he felt those strong hands grab his cheeks.

He found his breath rushing out as he felt a warm tongue down there, gently running along the rim for a while before pressing inside. He shivered and gripped the pillow tighter, these new sensations sending jarring thrills through his body. Eventually Tony was gently sliding his fingers inside, one after another, as he brought his head up to kiss up Loki’s lower back again, trim beard tickling his sensitive skin.

It wasn't long until Loki was reduced to a trembling mess, huffing as those strong fingers slid in and out, pleasured shivers wracking his body with every movement. It was surreal, these new sensations, and the voices were just a bunch of muffled echoes like he was underwater, mind fuzzy. Eventually, he couldn't take it anymore, and he shakily twisted his upper body to look at the man above him.

“Tony, please, I… I want you…”

Brown eyes heavy with lust, the man didn't need encouragement. Tony slipped off the bed for a moment to pull his own clothes off, and Loki’s breath caught as he watched because god if that tan-skinned man wasn't beautifully toned; and he felt another thrill go through him at the idea that this perfect man actually wanted _him_ , that that massive hard-on was for _him_.

Tony reached down and pulled a tiny bottle from his discarded pants and came back up onto the bed, straddling the thin, pale figure beneath him. Loki felt that hot, throbbing cock where it rested on top of his ass as Tony squeezed some of the conveniently-brought lubricant out into his hand, and then rubbed it onto himself. He gently pushed a couple of lube-coated fingers inside Loki, who responded with a little “hmph”.

If Loki had felt like Tony’s fingers inside him were a whole new world of sensations, he wasn't prepared for the rest. He couldn't help a loud gasp escape from his lips as he felt that furnace-hot, rock-hard shaft slowly press inside of him.

Tony moaned with absolute pleasure as he ever-so slowly pushed inside, finding hardly any resistance. He himself was feeling shaky and dizzy with excitement as he looked down at that pale, thin, tattooed back beneath him, that beautiful, beautiful ass as his cock slowly disappeared inside of it.

“God, you have no idea…” Tony breathed, leaning over that body, strong arms at either side propping him up as he pushed further. “…how long I’ve been wanting to do this.”

Loki’s head rested on its side on the pillow, face turned slightly towards Tony; his cheeks were bright red and his eyebrows were stitched, as he whimpered quietly. Strange, colorful lines and patterns were swimming through his vision, but he looked through them, up at Tony’s face.

“Mmm…” Tony closed his eyes when he was all the way in, and rested there for a long moment. “Since the first time I saw you… this beautiful ass…” He drew back, and Loki’s breath hitched as he pushed back in again, faster this time.

Soon, he was sliding in and out, faster and faster as time went by, thighs slapping against Loki’s ass. Loki was moaning breathlessly, muffled by the pillow as he pressed his face into it. Every time his pleasure spot was hit, colors exploded under his eyelids, fractal and webbing out in complex patterns. Tony had brought himself down to press against him, arms at either side of Loki, bodies melting into one heated mess of pleasure. The weight of the man on top of him pressed Loki breathlessly into the bed, which grew sticky with sweat. Tony kissed the back of his neck and let his teeth gently graze that sensitive skin, earning a lovely whimper.

Eventually Tony turned him over, sad to see that sexy tattooed back go, to not be able to watch himself slide in and out of that perfect ass; but pleased to see his boyfriend’s beautiful face and those bright eyes he had been lured in by so long ago. Loki’s vision was spotty as he looked up into Tony’s brown eyes, face red. He looked down and watched Tony reposition himself between his legs, which he pushed up in a bent position, and re-enter.

Loki’s head dropped back against the pillow and he moaned as he was filled again, and Tony pressed down on top of him, bringing their lips together in a rough, heated kiss. If Tony wasn't driven crazy enough by all of this, the feeling of Loki’s moaning vibrating in his mouth as he kept their lips pressed together made his dick throb all the more.

Loki never felt anything like this in his entire life. These waves of intense pleasure wracking his body, this feeling of being so intimately close and intwined with another person. The lights and colors swimming through his vision like fireworks.

It wasn't long until Tony raised himself up and was slamming into him, face contorted with pleasure, that Loki found himself squeezing his eyes shut, moaning rapid, the pleasure so intense, too intense; threw his head back and came, across his own torso.

And Tony, the sight of Loki so gone like that underneath him, all because of Tony, what he was doing to him; it was only moments after that he found himself coming inside of him, groaning with the intensity of it. Loki breathed out as he felt it fill him, warmth spread through his body.

Tony collapsed on top of him and lay there for a long time, still inside; their hearts thumping hard in their chests, bodies warm and sweaty, catching their breath.

“God, I love you.” Tony breathed.

Loki felt a tired calm flow through him, too breathless to respond, and he closed his eyes.

 

Tony gazed at that pale, sleeping face now. It had all been so much more incredible than he ever could have dreamed. In some ways, it had been new for him as well. He’d had plenty of sex in his life; probably too much; but never with someone he really cared about. Someone he loved. Someone he wanted desperately to please, more than he wanted to please himself.

And god if he didn't want to do that every second of every day now that he’d gotten a taste of it.

He thought about waking Loki up, seeing if he wanted to go another round before classes; but he figured, considering it was his first time, he was probably going to be sore. So, instead, he kissed those sleeping lips.

Then, he frowned. He felt heat curling off Loki’s skin when he brought their faces close, and put his hand to his pale forehead.

It was burning hot.

“Loki?”

Loki stirred, and Tony shook him gently until he heard a “hm” come from his throat.

“Loki, you’re fucking burning up.”

Those green eyes finally blinked open; glazed-over and bleary.

“Hm?”

“Are you okay? I think you have a fever.” Tony’s hand rested on the side of Loki’s head, and it felt like keeping a hand on a hot cup of coffee.

It looked like loading circles spinning in Loki’s eyes before he finally blinked with recognition; he pushed Tony’s hand from his face, and turned over onto his back, looking away. “I'm fine.” He muttered.

Tony blinked. “Fine? Loki, you're hot as fuck. And I don't just mean figuratively.”

“Leave it.”

Tony’s eyebrows stitched. “Has this happened before?”

Those green eyes finally met his. They were stern, and Tony felt himself falter.

“Leave it alone, Tony.”

They gazed at each other for a long moment before Tony said, “Alright, if you say so.”

Loki’s gaze finally relaxed and he rubbed his eye, and then glanced over at his alarm clock. “Shit. We need to get you out of here before Thor comes to pick me up for breakfast.”

Tony felt alarmed, “Oh shit.” Panic mode.

He flew out of that bed and pulled his clothes on faster than that time in highschool when this chick’s dad caught them in her room.

“See you at breakfast!” He kissed the still-snuggled-up Loki on the lips, and dashed out of there, hoping desperately that the walls between the dorms were very, very thick.


	21. Chapter 21

****

**Chapter 21**

“We have to go. I'm almost happy here.”

― _Ender's Game_

 

Loki didn't go back to sleep, after Tony had left.

He wasn't bothered by the fever itself. It happened often enough that he was getting used to it. It would go away soon. It always did. He supposed he should be more concerned than he was, but he had a million other concerns pressing on his mind at any given time lately.

That said, he was bothered that Tony had noticed it. He felt like he could trust Tony not to bring it up again, and hoped he forgot about it. But he knew Tony. He would worry quietly.

Loki sighed and turned over. Like Tony, he found himself daydreaming about last night. He stared up at the ceiling and his vivid, hallucinogenic memory played out detailed imagesfrom the night upon it, and ghosts of the sensations he’d felt. He was still reeling from it.

And there was something else… aside from the intense pleasure, the new sensations, the revelation of this whole new world open to him now.

He recalled, with vivid detail, the visions that had burst into his sight in the heat of the moment. It was more than just seeing stars. They were patterns. Glorious, colorful patterns with a complexity he’d never seen web from his own mind before.

Could they be sacral patterna? Or the makings of them?

He stifled a laugh. It was a little ridiculous-sounding. He supposed Tony would love it if Loki came up and said, ‘we need to have sex so I can look for patterns’.

Though, with a shiver, he realized he actually really liked that idea as well.

 

As Tony had figured, Loki was indeed quite sore. His lower back ached as he walked stiffly around his dorm to get dressed. But he’d been hiding pain all of his life, a little discomfort was nothing as he forced himself to walk normally when Thor knocked on the door for breakfast.

He’d been a bit worried at first, but as they headed down to the cafeteria, Thor didn't seem to be behaving any differently. Either the walls were too thick, or the TV playing ignored documentaries was too loud; or both. Either way, his brother clearly hadn't heard anything.

Natasha seemed to notice something was different, however. When he sat down at the table, she smirked and gave him a wink. Loki found his ears burning. How the hell did she know?

When Tony finally arrived in the cafe, his hair was a mess and his clothes appeared thrown on. He tossed Loki a little smirk as he sat down across from him. Loki had a hard time looking at him without visions of last night playing through his mind, making him turn pink and shift in his seat. So he looked down at his phone instead, and focused on recreating the patterns he had seen.

That wasn't the only thing he intended to get done today. The graffiti wall had been pushed to the back of his mind for far too long. It was something massive; something he’d never seen before. He felt the thrill run through him again when he thought of it.

There had been several sacral patterna within it, ones he had discovered already, connected to a few patterns he had yet to see. He had never in his life seen sacral patterna connected together by anyone other than himself. Yet there was a graffiti artist out there, in this very city; intentionally or not, painting sacral patterna. It was a revelation, and he needed to find that person. To find out what they knew.

What if it was another pattern seeker like him? What if they had more pieces to the puzzle?

He had to find them. No matter the cost.

 

Many days went by. The winter was cold and the snowing seemingly endless. Everyone was sick of it by now. Even the ones who were initially excited. It piled up in a record high and the city struggled to keep it managed.

The patterns Loki had found during their… rendezvous, indeed turned out to be tiny fragments of a full sacral patterna. After a few sessions, he had enough pieces to form a whole one; one that resonated through the universe. It was a strange, surreal and amazing revelation. All this time, these things he had been searching for were right within reach. Inside himself.

It was a victory he needed, because he was getting nowhere on finding the graffiti artist. He compared the signature to thousands of images on the internet, databases, including records of criminal defacing of property; but he found nothing. Nothing even remotely close. No trace of this person by even the name encrypted in the signature. It was frustrating him more than he thought it would.

Tony took his mind off of it, though. The man couldn't seem to get enough of him after that night. And Loki didn't mind one bit. Several sessions later and it still felt so surreal. He never thought he would get to this point in his life; find himself in a real relationship, the thought of actually having sexual experiences never crossed his mind. It was like an alien world, to him. Funny, how something so primal and fundamentally human could feel so alien.

Still, the print of that signature remained burning in the back of his mind at all times. An image waiting to find its mirror. Desperately watching, searching for a match.

 

Loki was acting kind of strange the past several days.

At first Tony told himself it was just side effects from coming off the meds, but he realized it had been quite a while since, and he had seemed fine the first week after. The weather, perhaps? Maybe he was going stir crazy. Either way, he seemed rather erratic.

Often times when he spoke, his words were all over the place. Running from one subject to another as if he suddenly had a thought in the middle of what he was saying and didn't notice he was actually vocalizing it. Tony patiently tried to follow, but it was rather dizzying.

When he wasn't speaking erratically, he was often subdued in an odd, trance-like silence. His green eyes distant. It was different from his usual ‘lost in the mind’ looks. Tony knew that look well; this one was very off.

Once and a while, he even got snappy. Like he suddenly noticed that there had been sandpaper rubbing at one area for a while, and he became terribly irritated. He always seemed to realize when he snapped, though; always blushed and apologized profusely.

In addition to the other odd behaviors, Loki was also suddenly very… affectionate.

 

One day, the pair was walking down a secluded hallway, and Tony was chattering on about one of his projects when Loki interrupted by suddenly dragging him backwards into a room.

Tony blinked when he found himself in a little abandoned supply closet, door closing behind him, dim lighting streaming in from beneath the door. He felt Loki’s thin arms wrapping around his neck and wanting lips planted on his.

“Fuck me.” He breathed.

Concern over erratic behavior aside, Tony did NOT need to be told twice.

He soon found himself pounding into that beautiful ass, Loki moaning softly from where his face was pressed against the wall. Tony reached down and rubbed Loki off until he came.

The whole thing was quick, hot and rough and they both felt dizzy afterwards. Their clothes and hair were a mess as they continued down the hall, trying to act like nothing happened.

 

It was all a bit odd, but none of it overly bothered Tony. He certainly didn't mind horny Loki one bit.

That was, until that erratic behavior took a nosedive.

 

Loki didn't laugh once during that breakfast, despite the whole gang being together cracking jokes. Didn't even smile. He didn't look at Tony, despite his trying to catch his attention. He just kept looking down at the things he was drawing on his phone. They were kind of his patterns, but… the lines squiggled, wavered.

The attempt at mirror imaging failed as one side slanted or was completely different from the other side. Unusual for his usual absolute perfection in his designs. Tony noticed with concern that he seemed to grip the stylus so hard that his fingers turned white, and his hands were trembling.

“You okay…?” Tony asked, so quiet that no one else could hear.

To his shock, Loki slammed the stylus down, making all at the table glance at him. Tony stared at him. Loki’s pale face was twitching in what looked like extreme irritation.

Then, without even glancing at Tony, he grabbed his phone, got up from the seat and walked away. They all watched him go, eyebrows raised.

“What the hell was that about?” Natasha asked.

Thor blinked. “I suppose he woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”

They all chuckled a little, and went back to their conversations, unconcerned. Tony didn't laugh. He didn't understand what just happened.

 

A bit later Tony found himself walking down a hall buzzing with activity. Oddly, he spotted Loki at his locker; normally he would have been in the middle of one classes.

“Got bored of economics?” Tony smirked, leaning against the locker beside Loki’s.

Loki didn't look at him. He looked agitated, and paler than usual. Tony found himself frowning.

“Hey, are you okay? You've been acting… odd, lately.” Tony asked, gently.

He wasn't prepared for the venomous glare that came from those green eyes as they turned on him.

“I’m _not_ acting odd.” He snarled.

Tony blinked, shocked. “I… okay? But… are you feeling…?”

“Just leave me alone, Stark.”

With that, the locker was slammed shut and Loki whirled around and stormed off down the hall.

Tony watched him go, in complete shock. What the fuck was that about? Had he done something wrong? His mind rapidly ran through everything that had happened the past few days, trying desperately to figure it out when a voice pulled him out of his thoughts.

“I think he is not feeling well.”

Tony looked up at Thor, who had suddenly appeared beside him.

“Has he been acting weird with you too?” Tony asked.

“He nearly bit my head off for asking if he wanted to come and watch my game tonight.” Thor frowned.

“Has he… been this way in the past?”

“Yes, I suppose. He always did become irritable when he was ill with a fever. Perhaps he is not feeling well.”

Tony felt a sinking in his stomach when he remembered that heat coming from Loki’s forehead that morning so many days ago.

 

Loki didn't understand why he felt so angry. He felt a rage well up deep within him at the sound of the human voices around him, and he lashed out at Tony. He knew he should feel bad; Tony didn't do anything wrong. But he felt too irritated and _warm_.

God, it was so hot in here. He knew the snow was bad but he couldn't understand why they would turn the heaters up so high. Maybe the HVAC was stuck.

_…he’s burning!…_

_…let him burn…_

_…no please…_

The voices were warbled like the horizon on a hot day, and hearing them made him want to scream. He just wanted everything to be quiet. He was pacing in an empty connecting hall now, and even the sound of his echoing footsteps drove him mad. He was clenching his fists, feeling the rage flood through his veins.

Why was it so fucking _hot_?

Suddenly, he was startled by the loud, shrill screech of crowing behind him, and he whirled around. To his shock, at the end of the hall was a giant, beautiful red rooster. It stared down the hall at him as it's cry continued to echo.

Before the echos faded, another crowing deafened his ears, this time from the end of the middle hall; and yet another, down the final hall.

Loki put his hands over his ears as the awful sound waves blew over him, looking wildly between the three giant roosters at the ends of the three halls. The calls had a cold tone to them that rang of doom, and the air blowing towards him stank of death. This was somehow important; he felt sick to his stomach for reasons he did not understand.

Then, all three roosters turned and disappeared around the bends, toes clicking on the tile and fading away. Hall silent again.

Loki stood there, breathing heavily. His anger had melted into fear, and now he just stood there in blank shock.

 

Loki was trembling by the time he reached his class. He felt the cold sweat beading up on his forehead. His mind was full of cotton balls, the voices muffled. He couldn't think. He just knew he had to get to class, and he did so robotically.

He reached the door just as the some of the other students were piling in, and took a deep breath before stepping through as well, following behind. A few others behind him. He tried to walk normally, but… he wasn't entirely sure he knew what it felt like to walk normally. Did his legs always feel like hot Jell-O?

He almost made it to his desk… so very close… but it wasn't meant to be.

His ears were ringing the lights were so bright like fire and blinded his eyes and the heat was stifling and he couldn't breathe and he couldn't remember how to work his muscles and-

“Timber!”

He heard the shout echoing through his mind like a fractal wave as the world went dark.


	22. Chapter 22

****  


**Chapter 22**

“…if it was just that anguished mad babbling, there could be no dialogue with that – no possibility of negotiating with that internalized storm of insanity.”

_―Children of Time_

 

Loki stirred awake, head hurting, skin uncomfortably warm. The light streamed through his eyelids, and he winced and opened them. The sky was blue, a few clouds here and there. The sun glaring. The air hot and stifling. Soundless except for the occasional breeze dragging dust and the buzzing of flies now and then.

Something acrid suddenly hit his nostrils and he reached up to pinch his nose, blinking blearily in the light.

Wait a second.

He struggled to sit up, pushing himself up by his arms and blinked, looking around. His vision was blurry, but he could tell that he was lying on asphalt. A road cutting through an endless expanse of desert scrub. The horizon wobbling in the heat.

“What in hell?” Loki said hoarsely to himself.

_…indeed…_

Slowly, his vision became to clear. Horrified realization began to sink in that it wasn't just road and desert around him.

He was in the middle of a sea of bodies.

Bile rose in his throat when he realized the acrid smell was that of death as flesh decayed in the heat. The flies were endless, buzzing around the rot.

He quickly scrambled to his feet, a hand over his mouth to keep from gagging. The awful smell stung his eyes and he felt tears forming. He spun in every direction, and in every direction there were bodies sprawled across the tar, across the sandy dirt, between little scrub bushes.

There was no blood, but the rot was extensive. Horrific, worm-infested decay marring every single body. They all look as though they had simply dropped out of the sky, scattered by the wind.

The panic rose as well. He didn't belong here, in this horrible sea of the dead. He was alive. He needed to get out of here. The bodies had to end somewhere. He needed to follow the road until he was somewhere else. Away from this horror.

The tar burned beneath his bare feet as he began to walk, carefully stepping over limbs and torsos. Itwas an awful dance and he tried very hard not to look closer than he had to to avoid touching the dead.

On he went, stepping over decayed flesh, around and through gaps where he could. Every so often he stopped to look down the road, looking for any sign of this letting up. For hours, it felt like. It never ended. Death as far as his eyes could see.

Loki’s breath turned rapid, his eyes wide. It was all he could do to keep from flipping out, breaking down and crying. But he had to keep going. He couldn't stay in this mess-

Suddenly, blinded by panic, he tripped over an arm and fell to his hands and knees… straight onto a body. White, dead eyes looking right into his.

With a horrified yelp he pushed away, felt the mushy skin come away beneath his press and cave in. He fell onto his backside and pushed away with his feet scraping against the ground, heart pounding, skin crawling.

He couldn't stop staring into those awful, dead eyes. That half-rotted, shriveled face. Lips eaten away, exposing yellowed and blackened teeth.

And then… it blinked.

Loki watched in cold horror as the decayed body began to shudder, bones creaking as it so slowly brought its arms under itself, and pushed itself up until it had risen to its feet. Flesh and gore fell from its caved-in chest, one foot eaten away and nothing but bones.

Loki was frozen in terror, eyes wide as he stared up at the undead creature towering above him now. Their eyes were locked together; green to cloudy white. The dread washed over him.

But… then it turned its face towards the horizon behind Loki, and started staggering forward. Loki hurriedly shuffled out of the way of its footsteps, and it passed right by him.

Loki pushed himself off to his feet, and his heart pounded as he realized a great many of the dead around him were beginning to stir. Dark, shambling shapes told him many had already gotten to their feet. He jumped out of the way when another one limped past him. It didn't even seem to notice his presence.

It was horrifying to the point of making Loki feel dizzy, but… they weren't after him. He turned to look towards the direction they all seemed to be headed… and nearly fell backwards.

A massive ship had suddenly appeared, white as bone. Warping in the sunlit heat. It was somehow moving slowly, sailing on… what was that?

With horror he realized it was carried on the backs of millions of animated corpses, writhing like a mass of ants. More and more joined in as they rose from their inanimate state, some climbing up the side to board, some falling and being crushed under the feet of the rest and swallowed up.

He stood well away from the mass of corpses; but as it slowly got closer, Loki saw one particular figure standing tall at the front of the ship. It was a woman, dressed in black, with a strange, black crown.

They locked eyes; green to green.

Her whispers curled around his ear;

“Today is the day.”

She smiled maliciously.

 

—

 

Tony had a sickening intuition when he heard the sirens through the windows.

He hadn't been paying attention in class; rather, he was musing about how he could convince Loki to go to the doctor. He didn't seem very agreeable at the moment, so the obvious solution was unfortunately by force. He was just imagining grabbing him by the ankles while Thor lifted him up by the arms, dragging him into the car; when that awful siren wailing resonated through.

Many of the students curiously peered through the windows, and Tony prayed his feeling was wrong. But he knew he wasn't when they all saw the paramedics run past the door.

The rest of the world fell away and Tony, in a dreamlike state, got up from his chair and went out the door after them.

 

There was a commotion down the hall, and that sinking feeling hit rock bottom as Tony realized it was all around the door of the classroom that Loki was supposed to be in. Students Tony knew were in his class all stood crowded outside the door, talking amongst themselves. The teacher stood at the center of it all, ensuring everyone stayed out. Clint stood beside her, odd look on his face. Tony’s heart caught in his throat when he realized he didn't see Loki in the crowd.

It looked like Thor had had the same idea as Tony, as the blonde giant was striding ahead of him. The teacher held her hands out to stop him.

“Please, is it my brother?” The man asked, deep voice trembling.

The teacher sighed, sympathetic look on her face. “I… yes, Thor.” Tony heard her confirm as he got closer. He could feel his heart quicken. “But you need to stay away, sweetie, and let the paramedics do their thing.”

Tony stood next to Clint now. “What the hell happened?” He asked, trying not to let the fear overcome his voice.

“He passed out.” Clint said, to both Tony and Thor who had turned to listen now, eyes stitched with extreme concern. “I caught him, but then he started seizing. It was… alarming, to say the least.” And Clint’s eyes betrayed the residual panic he had clearly felt responding to the situation.

“Alright, everyone get out of the way.” The teacher called out and the students began splitting like the Dead Sea to make way for the paramedics now exiting the room. Two carried a stretcher between them.

Tony couldn't look away. Those pale, unmoving arms. Oxygen mask half shrouding that unconscious face. It almost didn't even look like him. _This can't be happening_ , he thought.

“Back off, son.” He looked up to see one of the paramedics try to shoo Thor away as he followed them.

“Please, I am his brother.” Thor pleaded.

“Oh… alright. But stay out of the way.”

“And I'm his! Uh…” Tony blinked, and Thor glanced at him. “I'll just… meet you at the hospital.”

 

The snow made the traffic horrendous, as it did these days. This was one of the worst, most stressful drives in Tony’s life, and he’d had a few. But far too much time than he preferred later, he arrived at the hospital.

At first, the receptionist wanted to turn him away. ‘Family only’, she’d said. But then she adjusted her glasses and recognized him.

“Oh! Mr. Stark, of course. Room 115.”

Being the son of a famous, genius billionaire had its perks.

Tony finally found himself heading down the hall on the upper floor, and spotted Thor sitting on a bench outside a door.

“How is he?” Tony asked when he got near, trying to keep the anxiety from his voice. “Do they know what's wrong?”

Thor didn't look at him, just kept staring at the door ahead of him, distant look in his eyes. “They do not know. They took him for an MRI twenty minutes ago.” He was silent for a few moments while Tony sat down beside him, elbows resting on his knees. “I let our parents know what is happening. Apparently our father called the hospital, and demanded Loki be seen right away. I suppose having a powerful father has its perks.”

“I feel that.”

They were silent for a while. Eventually they both perked their heads up when they saw a small pack of nurses wheeling a bed down the hall towards them. Tony’s eyebrows stitched.

Loki, raven hair splayed out like a black halo, was clearly still unconscious. He was as pale as the bedsheets, blending right in with them.

Thor and Tony stood as they wheeled him into the room, and one of the nurses stopped in front of them, looking at Tony with confusion. “You… you’re…?”

“Tony Stark, yes. Loki’s my best friend. What's wrong with him?” Tony demanded.

The nurse hesitated, looking to Thor. When he nodded, she went on. “His brain is inflamed and swollen. Have you noticed anything odd the past few weeks?”

“He has been acting… strange.” Thor told her. “But with his condition, I did not think anything of it.”

The nurse nodded. She’d seen his psychiatric record. “We still need to get the tests back, but it's likely that he’s been suffering from a case of encephalitis for a while, and it reached a critical point today.”

“Is he going to be okay?” Tony asked anxiously.

“I can tell you, at least, that most cases of encephalitis are treated successfully.”

Tony felt a wave of relief at that. He glanced into the room. The nurses were preparing IVs.

“His case, is, however…” The nurse went on. “Quite severe. He is currently completely unresponsive and experiencing seizures.” She looked at the widening eyes. “But we will do everything we can.”

Tony’s heart sunk back down again.

 

—

 

The field was endless and gray; sky dark and storming. Dark clouds curled, lit up by frequent lightning, thunder rolled across the endless expanse.

Loki couldn't remember how he got here. Had he travelled in that horrible boat of the dead? He couldn't recall. But here he stood. Atop a high rocky cliff that looked over the field.

The lightning flared and lit up the dark figures below. Were they more dead?

But as his eyes adjusted to the dim, he felt a cold chill run up his spine.

They appeared the size of ants from here, but his eyes could pick up key features. Indeed, there were the dead. Billions of them; trillions, perhaps. He could not see where the army ended, fog shrouding further on. He even spotted the bone-white ship among the sea of bodies. But standing tall among the dead towered countless… creatures.

They sort of looked like men, but they were massive, and blue or red. The images of the red ones wobbled, like heat waves.

He glanced to the other side of the field. Now these did appeared to be men. Heavily armored in shining gold, weilding every manner of weapon. They were a fearsome sight, but they faced terrible monsters. As numerous as they were, he did not think they stood a chance.

A deafening horn from beside Loki suddenly sounded, making him jump out of his skin. He looked to the source, looked up at the figure that had appeared beside him.

It was a dark-skinned man, tall, holding a golden horn up as he looked out to the misty field. He had dreadlocks pulled back out of his face, a long gray cloak, and a few pieces of golden armor over his clothes. But most notably, when he turned to look down at Loki, were his eyes; orange and vibrant as a setting sun.

“Today is the day, little godling.” He rumbled, voice deep.

Loki was just wondering what that could mean when the roar of endless battle cries filled the air and shot him with terror.

He whipped his head back to look down from the cliff. The two armies were charging towards each other, weapons high.

_…Ragnarok…_


	23. Chapter 23

****

**Chapter 23**

I once heard a tale of a man who split himself in two.

_― Children of the Mind_

 

“Who are you?” Loki asked.

He had watched the battle for a long while. The fearsome sight of two armies clashing. The dead and the giants against the golden warriors. It was gruesome, from what he could see, and evenly matched. But then he remembered the strange horn-blower that stood beside him.

“I am Heimdall; guardian of Asgard.”

“Asgard?”

“Home of the warriors you see below.”

Loki glanced down. “Like the Nordic myths?”

“They are the Nordic myths, as you would see it, Loki.”

Loki blinked, looking back up at him. “You know who I am?”

“I knew you… in a way.”

Loki’s brows furrowed. “I don't remember you.”

“I knew a version of you. You do not belong here. Yet here you are; and you will play your part.”

Loki stared at him. He was about to ask what any of that meant, when Heimdall turned, cape flaring in the wind. “Come. We have a long way to go.”

Loki blinked, and watched as the tall man started across the gray plateau they stood upon. He could think of nothing else to do, and his curiosity got the best of him; and so he followed.

 

—

 

The last two days were a blur.

Tony and Thor spent every moment in that hospital room. It was one of the more luxurious rooms thanks to Thor’s father, so there were couches to sleep on, and an entertainment system. The hospital food was actually pretty good too. Not that either of them really paid attention to any of it.

The first night, Jane came by after classes and sat with them the rest of the night until she needed to go home. She looked as sickened about the whole thing as the two of them felt. Tony didn't know how much of it was care for Loki, and how much was knowledge that if anything happened to him, it would break Thor completely.

Thor didn't seem to understand why Tony was there all the time, though. Many times he told Tony it was okay to go back to class. But Tony always refused. Just stayed sitting in that chair at Loki’s side, staring blankly at that seemingly lifeless body.

Two days of nothing. No improvements. If anything, Loki seemed to have worsened. Electrodes stuck all over his head, scanning for any changes. The doctors had confirmed it was bacterial encephalitis, so he was being pumped full of antibiotics, anti-inflammatories, anticonvulsants and god knew what else. He was pale as a sheet, sweaty, and occasionally twitchy; but he never woke up. Tony missed those beautiful eyes.

Apparently, the parents were arriving from England tomorrow morning. This was definitely not the scenerio in which Tony wanted to be introduced to Loki’s parents. He’d imagined maybe getting invited to the Odinson family Christmas, or, like, brunch or something. As Loki’s outed boyfriend. He never for a moment imagined he’d be introducing himself simply as Loki’s friend as they shook hands over his comatose body.

Still, he had no intention of leaving Loki’s side for a moment. So as nervous as he was, he intended to be there when Mr. and Mrs. Odinson arrived.

 

—

 

Loki had been walking beside Heimdall for a very long time. For what felt like many hours. The plateau was rocky and gray, and as they cut through the mist, he began to realize that it seemed to span the circumference of the endless field. They kept the cliff side to their left at all times; and at all times, the battle was in view. Loki tried not to look. He’d seen too many impalings, decapitations and guts spilling out this day to bear. The sounds of war were enough to make his head spin.

“Where are we going?” He finally asked. He was growing tired.

“To see your father.” Heimdall answered simply.

“My…” Loki was very confused. “My father is here?”

“As are your mother and brother.”

“Why are they here?” Their presence seemed, to him, even stranger than his own presence here.

“You will see.”

They were once again silent as they walked.

 

—

 

Once again, things were not happening as Tony imagined, or wished them to happen; all in this strange, alien situation he never thought he’d find himself in.

It started out casual enough.

It was 8PM, and Thor announced that he was going to the cafeteria to get some food. Tony thought that was a good idea; the man hadn't eaten all day. Though, neither had he; his stomach reminded him.

“Grab me something? I'll Venmo you whatever it comes to.” Tony asked.

“What do you want?”

“Anything except anything to do with raisins.”

“Very well.” With that monotone, lifeless exchange ended, Thor headed out the door.

The room was quiet. Just the soft hum of the electronics. Tony gazed down at Loki’s face.

His mind had been a fuzz the past two days. He hadn't thought about much. But now, in the silence, he thought Loki kind of looked like Snow White or Sleeping Beauty or something. Pretty face pale and still and sleeping peaceful. Deathlike.

Tony sighed. If only he could just be that Prince Charming and wake him up with a kiss. Make all of this go away in an instant. Get things back to the way they were before Loki got sick. Why couldn't things be so simple?

He glanced down at Loki's hand, where it lay beside his body. With Thor around, he hadn't risked getting too close Loki at all, but he was suddenly overcome by the urge to touch him. Remind himself that this body was still alive.

So he tentatively reached out and took that pale hand in his. It was warm and clammy, but at least that meant he was alive. Not just a corpse under his nose. He sighed again, and impulsively let his head drop until his forehead touched Loki’s temple; careful of the electrodes. That head was sweaty and hot as a furnace, hair greasy and unwashed. But this was Loki, and he was still alive. He took small comfort in that.

He smiled a bit, imagining Loki as Snow White again. And he couldn't help himself. Playing it out, letting the fantasy bring hope to his heart for a brief beat. Tony lifted his head and kissed the unconscious Loki lightly on the lips.

He stayed hovering there, lingering, and slowly opened his eyes. In his field of vision was the seat at which Thor usually sat, and he noticed something odd. Was that Thor’s wallet?

An awful, cold chill came to his skin when he heard a throat clear. Eyes wide with dawning horror, he slowly turned his head.

The Huntsman stood in the doorway. Eyes full of murder.

 

—

 

“So the golden warriors are from… Asgard.” Loki was saying. “What is the other army? The one they fight against?”

“Those are the risen dead of Hel, led by Hela, goddess of Helheim and the dead.” Heimdall explained as they walked. “She is the one you saw on the white ship.”

“And the large men that fight beside them?”

“The Frost Giants of Jotunheim, and the Fire Giants of Muspelheim.”

“Why do they fight the Asgardians?”

“An infinite history of reasons, little one. The Giants and the Æsir have been enemies for all known time. Endless battles and wars and devestations have occurred between them since the beginning.” Heimdall said. “But today they fight for a deeper reason.”

Loki waited a long moment for the tall man to continue. When it was clear he had no intention to, he pressed; “Both Hela and you said that ‘today is the day’. Do you mean the war? You knew it was coming?”

“Indeed.”

“Then… Why do they fight this day?”

“They fight for the greatest reason of them all, this day. The unbreakable reason that none can escape if they wanted to.”

The dark man stopped and looked down at Loki. His orange eyes were firy.

“They fight for fate.”

 

—

 

Tony was frozen. Hand still clasped with Loki’s. Still leaned over his body. Staring into the blue eyes of Thor; eyes full of thunder.

“Uh… this isn't what it looks like?” Tony tried weakly.

In what seemed like a blink of an eye, Tony found himself grabbed by the shirt, dragged over and slammed against the wall.

“I knew you were incapable of simply wanting to be his friend.” Thor snarled. “I should have known you could not keep your filthy hands away.”

“Woah, woah, Thor, buddy I-”

“What have you been doing to my brother?!” His grip tightened.

“Thor, chill the fuck out! This isn't a fuckboy thing, I swear to god!” Tony’s voice was sheer panic.

Thor’s glare was absolutely murderous, but he stayed silent. Tony took that as his cue, taking a breath.

He rested his hands over Thor’s, which held his shirt in a death grip. “Thor, I… I love him.”

Thor blinked, a mix of emotions spilling into his eyes. Confusion, disbelief, anger.

“Seriously, like, the whole ‘pretty sure I found my soulmate’ and ‘I’d never in a million years want to hurt him’ kind of shit.”

“I do not believe you.”

“I mean, sometimes I can't believe it myself? It's weird for me too. But it's true, Thor, I swear to god. And… and he likes me too.”

Thor went silent again. Eyebrows furrowed, frowning. Eyes searching. His grip lessened.

 

—

 

Heimdall lead Loki to a jagged cliff edge, peering down. The area was less high here; though they were safely above the fighting, they could see things in detail. Hordes of undead swarmed over brave Asgardian warriors who held their ground. The great ship of the dead was a white dot in the foggy distance.

Then, Loki turned his head and saw it; his breath caught.

Moving slowly from the fog like a great wraith, came the most massive creature Loki had ever seen. A huge, black wolf; awesome and terrible, great fangs glinting in the dim light. Red eyes glowing through the mist. It towered over even the giants. It cared not where it casually strode, and the dead were crushed under its massive paws.

Loki felt fearful. It did not look like the creature would have any trouble leaping up to where he cowered atop the cliff.

But it's red-eyed gaze was distant, searching. Waiting.

“There.” Heimdall said softly.

Loki followed his pointed finger. A great warrior armed with an impressive spear was riding slowly through the chaos; the crowds parted around him. Even the enemies did not come near. He rode atop a strange, many-legged horse. A golden helmet shrouded his face.

He rode forward, and the great wolf stepped forward as well. They both moved until they stood facing each other. The wolf, growling in a low, threatening rumble, towered over the rider; and Loki thought it could swallow him in one bite. Yet somehow the warrior seemed unafraid and confident as he pulled the spear from his back and raised it in challenge of the beast.

And then… he took off his helmet, and silver hair flowed out.

Loki gasped. “Father!” A cold terror ran through him when he recognized that one-eyed face. His father could not actually think to fight this monster?

He frantically looked to Heimdall, “Please, thats my father! We have to get him away from there!”

Heimdall looked down at him, expression cool. “Since the beginning of time, it had been fated that Odin and Fenris would fight on this day. He must play his part, as all will.”

Suddenly, a terrible sound came from below.

The great wolf began to howl, low and bellowing. It echoed across the field, deafening, and struck all with shivers of terror. The rock below the feet trembled. Loki fell to his knees, hands over his ears.

In response, a battle cry bellowed out from Odin; nothing in comparison to that howl, but confident and fearsome all the same.

And then he charged.

 

—

 

“We were going to tell you.” Tony was saying. The danger wasn't over yet; Thor still had him in a vicelike grip. But he seemed to be calming. “We were just… waiting for the right mome-”

He was suddenly interrupted by a sound from the bed. They both glanced over instantly.

Loki had begun convulsing terribly, and the machines were beeping. They hadn't seen it this violent before. Alarm ran through their bodies.

Thor quickly let Tony go and ran over to his brother’s side. Tony dashed over and hit the button to summon the nurses over and over.

Two nurses entered the room almost immediately, and Thor and Tony backed away as they went to work. They watched anxiously as they maneuvered him over onto his side.

 

—

 

Loki’s eyes were wide with horror, a hand over his mouth as he watched.

Odin charged forward, spear drawn ahead of him, and avoided the snapping maws of the beast. He strafed, riding alongside the length of the great wolf and driving his spear into its side.

The wolf yelped loudly and pulled away, the spear ripping out with a spatter of blood; then a great paw lashed out like lightning and caught Odin on the side, flinging him from his horse.

The old man fell to his his back, spear falling to his side. The wolf lunged, on him in an instant. Odin roared with effort as he fought off the teeth around his body with all his strength, slicing into his hands as he pushed them away; but it was no use. The great maw had him in its grasp. It bit down, pressing a paw down and…

Ripped the body in half.

Loki cried out, falling forward.

The wolf, teeth reddened by the blood of its fallen enemy, raised its nose to the sky and let out a triumphant howl. The army of giants raised their weapons in cheer. The roar ran across the battlefield like a sickening wave.

The world went quiet, muffled, just a ringing as Loki numbly felt arms around his shoulders. Time slowed as he felt himself pulled back, a strong hand grabbing his arm and lifting him to his feet.

 

—

 

It seemed like many, awful ages before the tremors finally began to subside. But eventually Loki’s body was calm again. Like nothing happened.

Tony and Thor stood side by side, the shock beginning to wash away. Tony let out a breath of relief.

But then Thor turned, looking at him. His blue eyes were tired; almost like that day he’d brought Loki home after his galavant around town.

“Go home, Stark.”

Tony protested, a sinking feeling in his stomach, “Thor, no, please don't make me leave him, I-”

“Tony, please. Just go.”

Thor looked away, and Tony knew there would be no arguing. With a deep sigh, Tony cast one last mournful look back at that pallid body, turned and left the room.


	24. Chapter 24

****

**Chapter 24**

The one part never changed at all; the other grew and grew.

_― Children of the Mind_

 

The day after Thor had kicked him out of the hospital room, Tony tried to let classes distract him. He had a hangover from drinking himself to sleep the night before, because he knew he wouldn't sleep without it. He tried harder than he ever had to pay attention to the droning teachers and the words swimming across the digital textbook pages. Tried to put his mind to answering the questions.

But the problem with being a supergenius in school is that it doesn't take much to figure out the answers, so it doesn't matter how fully you try to put yourself to the work; only a fragment of your brain can remain on it, the one part falls into the routine. The rest always, always wanders, no matter how much conscious effort you put into keeping it on task.

So of course, every moment, Tony found his mind wandering. And always wandering to the same thing; Loki.

That image of him pale as death in that white, sterile room. Skin sweaty, eyes rolling behind the lids. That frightening seizing like he was possessed by an evil force. He thought about what he could have done to prevent this. The signs should have been obvious. He should have dragged Loki’s ass to the doctor a long time ago.

And of course, no matter how hard he tried to consciously fight himself against thinking it… thoughts of what would happen if Loki didn't get better slipped through. Found himself clenching his muscles, full of anxiety and feelings of impending doom before he caught himself and changed the thought subject.

It felt like an eternity, but it was still only the second class of the day. He couldn't do this. He couldn't trust Thor to tell him if anything happened, for all he knew Loki could already be awake or dead. Schrödinger’s boyfriend. He wanted to be back in that hospital, aware of what was happening or not happening every second.

He wanted to text Thor, because he hadn't heard anything since he left last night. But he knew better. That wasn't a good idea right now.

After his second class, Tony gave up on the idea of school for the day. There was only one thing that had any hope of distracting him. So he found himself back at his dorm, staring at holographic screens of code.

After months of work, the AI system was nearly complete. He'd gotten the personality parameters leveled, chosen the perfect voice package, and even a name. He’d snorted with laughter when he thought of it.

He had plenty of finishing code to work out, edges to smooth over and vigorous testing of the castrated beta model, but it wouldn't be long until the final step was taken. The step where he connected his new baby to the system at home. Connected it to all the smart devices that ran through the building, the personal databases, the internet. It was a bit of a scary thought, giving a digital infant all that power. But he was confident.

Of course, he couldn't take that last step yet. Because this wasn't just his baby. There was someone else that needed to be there when the switch was officially flipped on…

“Damn it.” Tony cursed under his breath. Why did his thought have to keep going back to Loki?

Well; it made sense. Barely half a school year and that young man had already wound himself deep into the fabric of Tony’s life. Every thought, every dream, Loki was at his side. And now…

Tony put his head in his hands. It was going to be a long day.

 

Around lunchtime, Tony finally decided to take a break from his programming. On his way to the lunchroom, he stopped at Loki’s dorm, and let himself in.

Curie peered up at him from her little rabbit cot in the enclosure. Jane had been tasked with keeping her fed, but Tony felt like checking up on the little creature. It was weird, this room. It was so full of well-organized madness. Piles of books categorized alphabetically. Stacks of labeled notebooks. Images pinned to the walls. So full of Loki. Like he was going to step out of the bathroom at any moment and get back to his books or obsessively drawing something that had come to mind moments ago.

And it felt so wrong, that he wasn't here. Tony’s heart lurched, and he quickly left the room.

 

When Tony arrived at the lunch table, the lot of them were looking at him expectantly.

“Hey, how is Loki doing?” Steve asked with concern.

“I… he was still comatose as of last night. Haven't heard anything since. I assume no change.” Tony said sullenly as he went to sit down.

Tony had grabbed a bowl of soup for lunch, thinking that would be the easiest to get down. But it didn't look overly appealing now. He glanced at Jane, but she didn't have anything to add. He figured Thor would text her with news at least, so her silence was a comfort.

The rest weren't especially close to Loki, Tony knew, but they all seemed put off by the situation as they went on with their conversations, not much of the usual chipperness. Like there was a hole where the Odinson brothers usually sat, and it felt wrong.

Tony didn't realize Natasha had moved over next to him until she put her hand over his. He glanced up into her pale green eyes.

“Hey… how are you doing?” She asked softly. Too soft for the others to hear.

Tony sighed, stirring the untouched soup with his spoon. “I can't do this, Nat. Two of the closest people to me in the hospital. Bruce… I think he’ll be okay, but… I don't know what's going to happen to Loki, and my brain is tearing itself up not knowing what's going on right now.”

“So why aren't you still there?”

“Thor, he… he doesn't want me there.”

“Why the hell not?”

“I… well he kind of uh…” Tony winced. “Found out about us in a not great way. And he's not exactly pleased. Especially since Loki isn't exactly in a position to put his mind at ease right now.”

Natasha nodded and looked forward across the table, thinking. “Well, fuck that.”

“Sorry?”

“Who cares what Thor wants? He’s Loki’s brother, you’re Loki’s boyfriend. You both have a right to be there. And if he’s going to be a bitch about it, well… fuck that. It's not like he can keep you away.”

Tony blinked.

Natasha squeezed his shoulder. “The Tony I know wouldn't take no for an answer. Get your ass back there, tell Thor to shove it and be there for your sleeping beauty.”

Tony gave her a half smile. “Yeah. You're right. As always, Nat. You should do something with that.”

“I'm still trying to decide if I want to be a psychologist or a government agent someday.”

“I feel like you could do both, somehow.”

 

—-

 

Loki couldn't remember how long they had been walking. It had all been a dark haze. Ears deaf to the sounds around him. His breath and footsteps an echo in the dirt. The only thing on his mind was the image of his father ripped in two. Over and over and over…

He was too shocked to cry, but he knew that wouldn't last. Because his father, however he had come to this place; he was dead. Sure, he hadn't been the best father in the world. Stern and cold at times. But Loki had loved him and felt loved in turn. Remembered his warm, strong embrace when Loki most needed it.

But never again. Never again…

“Why did he do that?” He asked, voice sorrowful. “Why didn't he just run away?”

Heimdall, from his step beside him, glanced down. “He was bound by fate, little one. From the beginning of time he was meant to die by Fenris’s maw this day. He faced his fate bravely.”

“Or stupidly.” Loki said bitterly. “I saw no reason why he could not go away from it. That was suicide.”

Heimdall stopped, and took Loki by the shoulders. “Loki, you must understand. Fate is not something you can escape from. No one can. Even if you try, the actions you take to avoid it will inevitably lead you straight to it. Many have tried. The binding is absolute. Better to face the absolute inevitable bravely than as a coward. Your father understood that. He was not afraid. And neither should you be.”

As Heimdall went on, the tears began welling in Loki’s eyes, and by the end of it, his face was pressed into the tall warrior’s leather-clad chest, sobbing.

“Come, child. Dry your eyes. We must go see your brother.”

 

—-

 

Tony took deep breaths as he walked down that hospital hallway, carrying a small bouquet of flowers.

Natasha was right. He’d feared for his life around Thor for so long, it was a hard habit to break. But he needed to be brave for Loki. He knew Thor wasn't stupid enough to hurt him. Tony needed to call his bluff. Because the cat was out of the bag, and there was no going back now.

Putting on his confident Tony face, he knocked on the door.

“Come in.” A female voice came from behind the door. Tony opened it and stepped inside.

Loki looked exactly how Tony left him, sleeping and deathly, to his sinking heart. His heart that had held a sliver of hope that he might open this door to an awake Loki, sitting up with a book in his lap and a tired smile on his face.

An older woman with blond hair streaked with silver sat at Loki’s side, hair up in a braid wrapped around her head. Her eyes were crinkled and her face was kind, if filled with worry.

An older man sat a little ways off, elbows resting on his knees. He had long raven hair and thick beard peppered with gray and white, tanned and weathered skin. He was large, stocky and imposing, even sitting down. Was that an eye patch?

Thor had been pacing near the man, but stopped when he spotted Tony. He didn't miss that look of surprise turn to a glare. But he shot him a confident smile in response.

Tony decided to take his chances with the friendliest-looking person in the room and stepped over to the woman. “You must be Mrs. Odinson?”

The woman smiled kindly at him and slowly raised to her feet. “Call me Frigga.” Her voice was light, accented and warm. She held a hand out. “And you are?”

“Tony Stark, Loki’s best friend.” He introduced himself as he took her dainty hand and gently shook it.

“Oh, how sweet. Loki didn't tell me he’d made friends.” She seemed genuinely pleased by this news. “And you even brought him flowers.”

“Oh no, these are for you.” Tony smiled charmingly as he handed the little bouquet to Frigga. “Thor said you were coming in today.”

Frigga seemed startled, and then laughed as she took the flowers. “My, it seems gentlemanliness is not dead after all. Thank you, dear. They are beautiful.” She beamed over at Thor, who seemed to be trying to hide a scowl behind a half-assed smile as he stepped over to them.

“Yes, Stark, always the charmer.” Thor folded his arms. “I suppose you'll be heading back to school now that you’ve said hello?”

“Oh, no I had intended to stay. What kind of best friend would I be if I wasn't there when he wakes up?” Tony smiled, turning to Frigga. “If you’ll have me, of course.”

Thor’s glare was venomous, but Frigga’s was absolutely glowing. It made sense. She was likely delighted to hear that her antisocial son actually had a social life. Tony had picked the right person to suck up to. “Of course you can stay. Oh, husband don't be rude, say hello to Tony.”

Tony turned to the man, he assumed to be the Odinson brothers’ father. The man, whose face was hardened by worry, sighed and got to his feet. Tony swallowed; he was even more imposing as he towered above him. He held out a huge hand.

“Odin.” He introduced himself. His voice was gruff, and accented like his sons and wife. Beneath the eye patch, a gruesome scar stretched from eyebrow to cheekbone. There was a story there, Tony knew. He hoped he’d get a chance to hear it, on more happy terms.

Tony didn't let his confidence waver, and took the hand and strongly shook it like a proper businessman. “I’m pleased to meet you, sir-” He blinked. “Wait; Odin Odinson?” He realized after he probably shouldn't have said it; but he couldn't really stop himself in the moment.

Odin sighed as he pulled his hand away. His face was irritated, and Tony’s heart sank. “Aye, it is an ancient family name.”

Tony quickly regained his composure, hoping to smooth over his mistake. “Oh, how fascinating. So you have ancestors with the same name?”

The old man glanced at his wife, and they shared an odd look.

“…yes.” He finally confirmed. His voice had a note of finality, that they would speak no more of this. Tony was perplexed, but he let it slide as the man turned and went back over to his chair.

Frigga also returned to her seat, leaving Tony standing beside Thor; who turned to make his words private.

“I told you to leave, Stark.” He muttered.

“Yeah, well, the way I see it; you don't have the right to tell me to leave.”

Thor looked at him incredulously. “Excuse me?”

“Look, Thor. I get that you're not happy about this, but it is what it is. Your brother has a boyfriend, and that happens to be me. I'd say you should be happy for us, but I know that's asking for a lot. So I'm just asking that you accept that it's a thing and deal with it.” He tried not to let his voice get louder, lest the parents overhear. But it was getting harder. “Because whether you like it or believe it or not, I love him just as much as you do. And I have a right to be here, to help watch over him; as much a right as you do.”

Thor blinked, his eyes wide and shocked. Tony didn't bother waiting for a response. He turned and started towards the hospital bed.

Frigga smiled up at him. “Oh, come sit down, then.”

Tony smiled back, and obliged, sitting down in the seat beside hers. He was victorious; Natasha’s confidence in him well-placed. Now that the stress of introduction and getting past Thor was over, he could finally let his muscles relax. He looked down at Loki, now. Smile fading.

“How is he doing?” He asked Frigga softly.

Frigga was silent for a long moment. “The doctors said he is not showing any response to the medication as of yet.” Her voice was sorrowful.

Tony looked at her in surprise. “Nothing at all?”

“If anything…” A voice sounded behind them, and they looked up as a doctor came into the room. “He seems to be getting worse. The swelling has expanded a little since his admission.”

“What are you going to do about it?” Odin’s tone was stern, but betrayed the worry beneath it.

The doctor, looking at his chart, sighed. “We have cultures of the afflicting bacteria undergoing analysis as we speak. It's been strangely resistant to everything we’ve thrown at it. In the meantime, we’ll try different antibiotics.” He looked over the chart at the monitors Loki was hooked up to. “That said… if his brain keeps expanding like this, we may have to resort to decompressive craniotomy.”

Frigga’s eyebrows furrowed, “What does that mean?”

“We would remove a part of the skull to relieve the pressure. It's very last resort, but… it has provenly increased chances of survival in past patients suffering from severe brain inflammation.”

The lot of them exchanged worried glances. Tony felt sick at the thought of drastic measures needing taking. This was more serious that he had worried over, and the reality was hitting him hard.

When the doctor had left, Tony found himself staring down at that pale, expressionless face. He was desperately willing those pretty green eyes to open. He wanted a sign that Loki knew what was happening, somehow, in there. Because he knew if he did, he would make it through this.

Because Loki was tough. He wasn't a giver-upper. He always got back up. No matter what beat him down.


	25. Chapter 25

****

  **Chapter 25**

The changeless part was always true, the growing part was always new.

― _Children of the Mind_

 

The next day, the bacteria culture analyses came back. And the news it brought was devastating.

The doctor’s face was as grave as could be. “It seems we’re dealing with a totally drug resistant superbug. I've never seen anything like it. Nothing we throw at it will kill it.”

The silence that ensued was crushing. The Odinsons and Tony alike all sported expressions of shock.

“So you're saying there's nothing you can do?” Tony eventually choked out.

“We can perform the decompressive craniotomy, but all that will do is delay the inevitable.”

Frigga put a hand over her mouth. Tony felt sicker than he ever had in his life.

Because that word, ‘inevitable’. That tone of finality. That was like smacking into a brick wall. A brick wall that never ended. Had nothing beyond it, because it was all there was.

These were Loki’s final days, and he would be spending them in a coma. Dreaming, maybe. 18 years, ended just like that.

Thor stood and stormed over to the far end of the room, facing the wall, fists clenched so tight his knuckles went white. They all watched as he punched the wall and let out a horrible wail of anger and grief.

Tony felt dizzy. He felt like the world just fell away, and all he could hear was his own breathing. He gazed off at nothing.

And then… something came to him.

Without a word he whipped out his phone, forgotten by the others as he stepped off to the edge of the room in the shadows, and put the phone to his ear.

“Hey, Bruce. I need you to look into something for me.”

 

—

 

Loki was in shock when he finally spotted it.

It looked kind of like Thor’s pet snake, Jörm. But it was massive. Bigger than that giant wolf, and it's body seemed to go on forever into the distance. The titanic reptile slithered through the battlefield, not seeming to care as it crushed the undead under its muscular body.

And it seemed to be fighting something far smaller than it.

The monster reared it's head and thrashed, and seemed to be smacked aside by the air; the great head falling into the dirt, kicking up a tsunami of earth and crushing many of those battling beneath it. It hissed angrily and twisted and writhed, trying to raise itself up again.

“What is it doing?” Loki asked Heimdall.

“Look more closely.”

So he did. As they drew nearer to the cliff edge, as close to the scene in front of them as they could get, he finally saw the snake’s opponent.

“Oh god… god please no!” Loki choked out.

Because that tiny speck battling the great beast was none other than his brother. Golden hair blowing in the wind, a great red cape billowing behind him. He wielded a massive hammer, and lightning hugged his body.

The man shouted incompressible at the beast as it finally shook him off. He went flying quite a distance, but landed neatly on his feet, seeming unfazed.

Suddenly, he began spinning the hammer around fast, and then used it to launch into the air, directly at the snake. The snake opened its mouth to bare its teeth, but that was its greatest mistake.

Because Thor flew straight into the snake’s mouth… and out through the back of its head. A gaping hole in its flesh. The snake stood high, seemingly startled. But it's body spasmed, and it fell with great height, head plummeting to the earth. The earth shook violently when it hit the ground; dead.

Loki was staring in shock at the dead beast when the sound of whooshing air filled his ears, and he looked up to see that great hammer, pulling its owner behind, coming straight at them.

Loki and Heimdall barely had time to leap aside as Thor crash landed onto the cliff, right where they had been standing. He crouched on all fours, in his little impact crater, gasping.

“Thor!” Loki scrambled to his feet, and ran over to the man, putting a hand on his shoulder.

Thor looked so much older, Loki realized with a start as he looked at the man catching his breath. Skin weathered, terrible bags under his eyes. He was so much bigger, too. A true goliath.

“Look.” Heimdall said, softly, as he came up behind them.

Loki followed the warrior’s gaze and spotted it, heart sinking.

Massive teeth were embedded into Thor’s back and legs, dripping with some kind of green substance.

“God, what is that?” Loki asked, worried.

“The venom of the world serpent.” Heimdall said, gravely. “It will not be long now.”

“What?” Loki looked up at him with startled eyes. “No, no!” He turned back to Thor and pulled on his arm. “Please, brother. Get up!”

Suddenly, one of those massive arms flew up at him with the speed of a viper, and that muscular hand had Loki by the neck.

Loki gasped in surprise and was dragged down to his knees as the crouching titan crushed his windpipe. Thor looked up at him; his face was sweaty, and strands of golden hair had fallen in front of his eyes, but there was no mistaking it; his gaze was of pure hatred.

Loki clawed at Thor’s arm, choking, trying to breathe in. “B-brother!” Loki choked out.

“You, venomous snake.” Thor spat in his face. His eyes were mad, and he was sweating profusely. “This is…” He gasped for breath, face contorted with pain and hatred. The venom was coursing through his veins, burning like fire. “I swore I would kill you, if you ever… hngh… ever showed…” Loki could feel the grip loosening as Thor weakened, but his vision was going spotty as he desperately pushed at that strong hand.

“…your… your…” The grip fell away as Thor slipped to the ground in a heap.

Loki drew in a gasping breath as his throat was freed. When he’d caught his breath, the shock of the moment wearing off, he finally looked down at his brother.

Thor was dead. Skin spidering green with the venom, going gray already.

Loki choked out a sob.

 

—

 

Bruce sat in his hospital bed, looking at the tablet in front of him, as he had for hours now.

Most of the equipment he’d been bombarded with for weeks was finally gone. The doctors could not get any more data out of him, and finally freed him of all the testing. He was down to one blood sampling a day now. It was a relief.

But now there was another dilemma brought to his attention. As grave as the implications were, he welcomed the distraction from his own situation.

“This is like nothing I've ever seen before.” Bruce was saying.

“That's what the doctor said.” Tony’s voice came through speakerphone from Bruce’s cellphone which sat beside him on the bed.

“This DNA is insane.” Bruce went on. “It has codons to block every known antibiotic, and then some. It's more complex than any bacteria I've ever seen. It almost seems…” He hesitated.

“Almost seems what?” Tony’s voice was anxious.

“…engineered.” Bruce finished his thought. “But that's crazy.”

Tony was silent for a long moment. “…maybe.” Bruce wanted to ask what Tony meant by that, but the man continued; “Is there anything you can do, Bruce? I can't…” There was a rustling, like Tony was rubbing his eyes. “I can't just sit here and watch him die…”

“No, no Tony.” Bruce cut in. “I think there is something I can do.”

The sound of Tony leaping to his feet, maybe. “There is?!” He’d never sounded so hopeful in his life.

“Yeah. But I need to get to my lab, and I don't know if these doctors are gonna let me leave.”

“Leave that to me.”

 

—

 

Loki sat curled up on a rock. Looking anywhere but that corpse. His face was streaked with tears.

Heimdall sat beside him, remaining silent while he let Loki mourn.

“Why did he attack me?” Loki eventually got out, voice tight and empty. “It was like he did not even know me.”

“He did not know you.” Heimdall said softly. “He knew a version of you that you are not.”

“Was his version of me so terrible?”

“Unspeakably.”

Loki was silent for a long moment. He couldn't imagine being unspeakably terrible. Not enough that his unnaturally loyal brother would want to kill him, anyway.

“We must move on now, child. Time is running out.” Heimdall eventually interrupted his thoughts.

‘Time is running out’. Where had he heard that before? But Loki only hugged his own legs tighter. “I do not want to go on any further.” He said. A fresh tear running down his cheek. “I can't bear it.”

“You can.” Heimdall said. “You are strong. And it is almost over. We have one last thing to see, and it will all be over.”

Loki didn't like the ominous tone to that statement. But he felt himself uncurling and slowly getting to his feet, almost robotically. He felt numb as he rose.

He couldn't guess how this ended. But he was ready for it all to be over.

 

—

 

Watching the Odinsons reeling with the news that their son was going to die, watching Thor so tormented; it was almost as unbearable as the thought itself to Tony. So the next morning, he found himself outside of Loki’s room, catching his breath away from the others.

He had his head in his hands when he heard footsteps from the hall.

“Hey, Tony.”

Tony looked up to see Bruce, finally dressed out of that hospital gown, striding up to him. He was wearing a backpack, and whatever was in it was clanking together.

It hadn't been easy, getting him out of that hospital. Hours of arguing on the phone with those in charge of the hospital, hell even the government. It wasn't easy trying to get someone who had been labeled a biohazard released into the world. He had to call in a lot of favors. But he’d done it, and Bruce had called to confirm he had made it to his lab and was working on the problem right away.

“Bruce!” Tony leapt to his feet, and dashed over to embrace his friend. “God, it's good to see you out of the hospital.”

Bruce smiled, “It's been good to finally get out of that room; and see my lab again. It's been killing me, having to control my experiments remotely, looking in and not being able to actually be there.” He began to pull his backpack off. “But enough about me. We have someone else to break out of the hospital now.”

Tony looked at his friend in surprise, “You… do you think you did it?”

“I don't know that it will work, but I know I succeeded in fabricating my idea.”

 

It took a lot of convincing to get the hospital to allow Bruce free reign of treating Loki. It helped that Bruce was an actual doctor, so it technically wasn't illegal.

But eventually, Bruce was in that room, standing over Loki’s comatose body, looking over the equipment and taking his own readings. Tony stood on the other side.

“Well, you weren't exaggerating; he’s definitely pretty.” Bruce whispered to Tony.

“Damn right he is.” Tony whispered back. He had forgotten that this was the first time Bruce was seeing Loki in the flesh. If only he was awake for it. Tony knew they’d get on. He desperately hoped they’d get the chance.

The Odinsons and Thor sat around the other side of the room, out of the doctor’s way, but glancing over every so often. They’d all let a little hope into their hearts when Bruce explained what he was going to do.

“I designed a particularly aggressive bacteriophage that will target the offending bacteria’s DNA.” He told them all. “They’re going to flood into his system and inject every offending bacterial cell with a special dose of CRISPR I designed to snip off the antibiotic-resistant codons. If it works, they’ll become succeptable to the antibiotics.”

It wasn't a new idea, but it was very experimental, he had explained. No promises.

“If anyone can do it, it's you.” Tony said with confidence as Bruce began to prepare a syringe with the bacteriophage solution.

 

—

 

The battle below, the screams and wails and sounds of fighting, the gruesome deaths, the awful monsters; Loki was numb to it, now. He didn't know how long he’d been in this horrible place, but it had felt like an eternity.

He followed Heimdall, barely registering anything at all; when suddenly he bumped into the man who had stopped in front of him.

He realized they had reached the end of the plateau. This was the final cliff, the end of the upper world. They would have to turn back, or climb down. Loki didn't like either of those options.

“Now what?” Loki asked glumly.

“This is the last thing I will ask you to witness.” Heimdall said.

Loki felt so numb, and dead inside; he didn't think anything could affect him anymore. If looking at one more thing would make it all end, he was ready.

Or so he thought.

“Out there.” Heimdall extended an arm, pointing out over the battlefield.

Loki, bleary-eyed, slowly followed the line. And then, he froze.

A red-skinned fire giant stood tall; taller than any of the others. Nearly as tall as that wolf had stood. The monster held a flaming sword.

At his feet lay heaps of dead Asgardian warriors. And only one was left standing.

Loki’s blood ran cold, the final surge of energy coursing through him like cool fire.

Golden-haired and beautiful as ever, there stood Frigga. Welding a small sword, looking defiantly up at the beast.

Loki turned away, grabbing Heimdall by the shirt. “Please!” He cried out. “Don't make me watch this.”

“You must, little one.” Heimdall said softly. He grabbed Loki and turned him around; hands gentle but strong. “You must watch and understand. Understand that fate cannot be changed.”

“I don't care!” Loki sobbed. He tried to turn his head away, but Heimdall held him in place.

He couldn't look away. Not as the fiery giant stepped forward, hideous face triumphant, bellowing.

Couldn't look away as the giant raised his sword.

Couldn't look away as his mother held her arms out at either side. As if embracing this moment.

Couldn't look away as that flaming sword came forward like lightning and pierced straight through her body.

Couldn't look away when the body of his wonderful, beautiful, perfect mother crumpled to the ground. Dead. Dead like the others.

Loki thought he was dead inside after watching his father and brother die. But those were only two parts of him. He realized he’d been split in three; and each part of him died with his family. He was dead, now. Truly dead. Nothing meant anything anymore.

It was over.

 

—

 

“We are going to have to do the craniotomy soon.” The doctor had told them.

“Bruce just treated him.” Tony has pleaded. “Can we give it time to work?”

“Yes, there's still time before the situation becomes critical.” The doctor had nodded, and turned to the Odinson parents. “I just need you to be prepared to okay the surgery. If there's no change, or if it gets any worse, we may have to do it tomorrow or the next day. We can't risk waiting.”

Frigga had relunctantly agreed. Time was truly running out.

Now, she and Odin were talking quietly together outside of the room. Tony hadn't meant to eavesdrop, but he was just coming back from the bathroom when he heard the hushed voices from around the corner.

“…can’t you?” Frigga sounded desperate.

“You know why I can't.” Odin sounded withdrawn. “I can't risk it.”

“He’s your son. Isn't he worth the risk?”

“You know what will happen if I do. I love him too, Frigga. But I will not risk it. And that is final.”

Tony didn't understand any of it. The curiosity burned within him intensely, and he felt frozen in place. But they had stopped talking, and Frigga was crying bitterly. He would get no more, and he had a feeling he should not ask.

Silently, he turned away and headed towards the cafeteria, mind running wild.

 

—

 

“What happens now?” Loki asked, in monotone. It had been several hours since he had witnessed the death of his mother. He had sat there, feeling dead, thoughts empty, gazing out at the foggy horizon, beyond the battle. Now he needed to know. “How does this end?”

Heimdall was silent for a long time. He had been standing there, looking down from the cliff side for a long time. He did not look at Loki when he answered.

“It is on this day, Loki Odinson; that I take your life, and you take mine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love bacteriophages/virophages. They had to enter a writing of mine eventually.


	26. Chapter 26

****

**Chapter 26**

And I wondered, when the tale was through…

_― Children of the Mind_

 

The silence hung, Loki did not look up for several moments. When he did, green eyes evenly met orange.

“You're going to kill me?” Loki asked, quietly.

Heimdall did not seem like he was about to attack. He seemed almost sad. “It has been destined since the beginning. Prophesied since creation.”

“But why? I’m not your enemy.”

“No. I see that.” Heimdall looked away again, gazing out at the battlefield. The tortured screams of the slain muffled by the warping air. This cliff was very high up, and the winds caught on the edges. The fog billowing up like a curtain. “You are not the Loki I know. You are innocent of the blood on his hands.” He looked back at Loki. “Yet, you are a Loki here on this day, and it is fate. It cannot be changed. There will be no winners in Ragnarok. All die. All lose. You and I are no different.”

Loki felt cold. He got to his feet, and looked out at the battle below. There were so very many dead. So many bodies and body parts and blood and gore as far as the eye could see. The armies were getting thin. The battle seemed to be nearing completion. 

After all he’d seen this day, he finally understood. Fate. In a way, it was unfair. It seemed like everyone else had known their fate for a long time, and had come to terms with it. Loki only just learned of his prophesied death now. He didn't feel ready. Didn't feel like he and Heimdall had enough reason to kill each other, like the others did. 

But in his heart, he knew it was true. It felt right, in a way. And he was already dead inside. He died with his family. So maybe he was ready; ready for the release of true, physical death. 

He didn't have anything to live for anymore.

 

—

 

Very early the next morning, Bruce took yet another sample. The latest of many throughout yesterday and night.

He’d been there, monitoring Loki all night. Tony felt kind of bad. His friend had been up all night the previous night after he’d gotten out of the hospital, creating the solution in the first place. He looked absolutely exhausted. The circles under his eyes so dark they looked like bruises. 

Tony wanted to tell him to get to bed, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. Because what if Bruce being awake and here meant the difference between life and death for Loki? It was silly, he knew. There wasn't anything more he could do.

The results through the day and night had been very promising, and they could hardly believe it. Bruce said the bacteria count was getting smaller. Smaller with every test. The hope they had let into their hearts was slowly filling them, as the count waned. The doctors couldn't believe their eyes as they looked over Bruce’s and their own readings.

And now, finally, this early morning, Bruce turned away from his readings to the expectant family. His eyes were alive through the exhaustion.

“It's gone.” He announced triumphantly.

“The bacteria?” Odin asked, eye wide.

“Yup. All dead.” He brought up a microscopic image to show the corpses of the offending bacteria. “It's a bacterial massacre. I really wasn't sure it was going to work… but it did. My little phages actually did it.” He sounded understandably proud of his achievement.

Frigga cried out with joy. Tony felt dizzy with relief. After being convinced that Loki was inevitably going to die, this was a miracle. A beautiful, brilliant, scientific miracle.

“Oh my god, does that… does that mean he’s going to make it?” Tony asked. He couldn't believe it. 

“Well…”

At that, Tony's heart sank again. “Well what?”

“I mean, the bacteria is gone and trust me that's _huge_.” Bruce said, rubbing his eyes. “But he’s not out of the woods yet. His brain is still badly inflamed. His chances are… well, actually _existent_ , now, without the bacteria assaulting him.” He glanced up into the multitude of eyes staring at him and sighed. “But they might still have to do the craniotomy. He still has a fight ahead of him.”

Hope now leveled off to an appropriate place, Tony glumly nodded. 

He gazed down at that pale face. Loki had seemed awfully weak, even his seizures lacking energy lately. He didn't seem strong enough to fight.

But Tony wasn't going to give up hope. He’d been granted a miracle, something no one thought could be done. Bruce had given Loki a chance. And now it was up to him to take that chance.

He knelt at Loki’s side, not caring who saw; and whispered in his ear, “Don't give up, Loki. Come back to me.”

 

—

 

Something odd started crawling through Loki’s veins. Cutting through the feeling of hopelessness and loss. Something white glowed in his peripheral vision, and he felt a warmth spreading through him. A pleasant warmth. A familiar one. Something in the back of his mind made him think he’d dreamed of this before.

It came to him, all of a sudden, that there weren't only three parts of him. There weren't only three parts that had died with his family. There was still one more left, and it just woke up and it felt like fire in his chest; like pure, raw energy.

The emotion came, then. The anger. Now the fire pumped out of his heart and flooded along his veins. He faced Heimdall with a set jaw, determined eyes. 

“I’ve had things decided for me all my life. By my illness, by my family, by the school system and the government, by my tormentors and enemies. But no longer.” Loki turned back and stepped out onto the ledge of the cliff. The light and fog flowing up in front of his nose, cut by the stone. “I make my own path. I'll not have fate deciding what happens to me, Heimdall. I have no intention to die today.” The realization came as he said it. He meant it.

The dark man looked at him with wonder. He could see the power rising up inside of him. He could see everything. Could he actually break free? Break free from fate? That was a power none of the gods had. Could this mere boy do what could not be done by the greatest of gods, the greatest of giants, by Hela herself? He doubted it. Almost laughed at the idea.

But Heimdall only thought he saw everything, in this moment. He always had, after all; all his life, since the beginning. There was nothing he had not seen. But he did not see this coming. He did not see the flash of light forming in Loki’s hands that instant. Was surprised when he turned rapidly on his heel, arm back, and threw the light in his hands with all his strength.

He was surprised to look down and see the great spear of light that had pierced through his chest, straight through his heart. He looked up at Loki, who stood there, a complex expression across his face. A mix of triumph and sorrow, of revelation and relief. Anger and tranquility.

In his final moments, Heimdall wondered why he did not see this, and then he knew why. He could only ever see what was fated. What was meant to happen. Everything that followed the path. Because he saw the web of the universe.

But Loki broke through the walls. He broke through the bindings of fate. He did something that could not be done. And Heimdall had not seen it coming.

He fell onto his back, gasping as the spear lodged upward as the point that had erupted from his back hit the ground. The light dimmed and the spear became dull metal and wood. His blood spread out in a pool beneath him.

Loki came over, and crouched at his side.

Heimdall’s vision was blurry as he looked up into those green eyes. He felt the fire running through his veins, the cold following suit. It would be over soon. But he had to warn Loki. He had broken the chains of fate; and he knew. He knew Loki would not die today. And he did not wish him to.

He gargled up blood, and spat it out. He tried to breathe in, but not much came through. His lungs filling with blood. “Loki.” He wheezed. With the last of his strength, he took the young man’s wrist in his hand. “Surtr comes. You must-” He gasped. “Find the wolf. Find a m-man named Vidar. F-follow him and you will sur-… survive.”

His last words were gargled, whispered, and then the orange faded from his eyes. They turned white, blind and dead. His body cooling already.

Loki rose to his feet, and stepped over Heimdall’s body, heading to the cliffside; a determined expression on his face.

 

—

 

The day was getting late, and everyone was anxiously waiting for the doctors to bring Loki back from the MRI. 

Tony had sent Bruce off to get some much-needed sleep. There wasn't anything more he could do, now. So he got him a room in the hotel across the street, and sent him off, promising to notify him of any changes.

Jane had come by at some point during the day. It wasn't the best time to be meeting the parents of your significant other. Odin and Frigga tried to be warm and welcoming, but their hearts weren't in it. No surprise. 

She tried her best to comfort Thor, but there was no coming back from that dark place of grief and anxiety for him. Tony felt it too.

They all perked their heads up when they saw the bed being wheeled back down the hall. None of them were about to let more hope enter their hearts, but parts of them wanted desperately to hear something better than what the electrodes had been saying.

But Tony must have let some hope into his heart, as much as he tried not to, because it fell when he heard what the doctor had to say.

“The speed of the swelling has definitely slowed, but his brain has still expanded very slightly during the day.” He said gravely. “We can't risk letting it expand any more, the pressure is reaching a critical point. We need to do the craniotomy. We can get him in for tomorrow afternoon.”

Frigga turned away, tears falling from her eyes.

“What is the likelihood that this will make a difference?” Odin asked gruffly.

“Like I said, the swelling progression has slowed.” The doctor said. “We’re out of time to go without surgery, but if this slowing is any indication of a positive response to the treatment, then he may not be out of time for recovery. “

Odin looked down at his son for a long moment.

“Then do it.”

 

—

 

It took a while, but Loki eventually found a way down from the cliffside. It should have been terrifying, scaling down that wall, where at any wrong step he could plummet to his death. But the surge of power and fearlessness he felt right now kept him going bravely.

When he did get to the ground, in the shadow of the plateau, he found the battle indeed far more thinned out. There were still countless clusters of skirmishes going on across the field, but no longer was it an endless swarm.

The air felt warmer down here. It had grown warmer the further down he went, and now it was stifling. Made it harder to breathe. But he trudged through it. He was determined to go forward.

No one seemed interested in Loki as he crossed the field. Not even the seemingly mindless monsters. Perhaps they all knew where they were fated to be, Loki thought. And Loki wasn't a part of their fate. Their Ragnarok. He was an anomaly. So they paid him no mind.

His head perked up when he heard a howl echoing across the field. He couldn't see far through the fog, but he started in the direction he heard it. It seemed crazy, that he was trying to find the very monster that had ripped apart his father. But he trusted Heimdall in his dying breath. He didn't seem like the type to send him off to his death for petty revenge. 

So when he saw that mountain of black fur snarling in the distance, he did not run away. 

The monster seemed occupied. It was fighting something, and Loki strained to see what it was.

It was a man, a great warrior. He fought the beast with a sword, and the great wolf seemed labored. Could a man actually defeat such a monster? 

The man rolled under the beast before he jaws snapped around him. Loki watched in fascination, and dread. He knew this could only end one way, and awful flashbacks of his father’s death flitted through his mind.

He almost looked away when the man did, in fact, end up in the beast’s mouth.

But then something odd happened.

The man bellowed with effort as he stood within the great maw, feet standing atop the beast’s lower jaw, and lifted the upper jaw with all his might. He strained, struggled against that vicelike jaw. Amazingly, great wolf seemed to be struggling as well.

And then, the man shouted and heaved upward as hard as he could, ripping the monster’s jaw apart.

He leapt out of the maw as the great black wolf toppled dead to the ground, the dirt resonating with the impact.

Loki stared in shock as the man stood tall, victorious over the monster that had killed Odin. A feat that had seemed impossible. Now he thought he knew why Heimdall sent him here.

So he strode forward, towards the great warrior. The man glanced at him in as he approached.

“Are you Vidar?” Loki asked.

_I am._

Loki was surprised. The man’s mouth hadn't moved, but he heard his voice in his head. He was about to ask about it when the voice came again.

 _You… you are Loki, but also not Loki. What trickery is this?_ The man looked confused.

Loki stared, and shook off the disconcertion. This was not exactly the strangest part of his day. “Heimdall said that I am… not the Loki that belongs here.”

_Where is Heimdall?_

“Dead.”

_As he should be, but so should you._

Loki looked up defiantly at the warrior that towered over him. “I have no intention to die today. Heimdall told me that if I followed you, I would survive.”

The man stared at him, looking him up and down, studying. The voice did not come for several long moments. Loki studied him back. There was something about him that seemed so familiar. Something like… Thor. And Odin.

Finally, he nodded.

_Come with me._

 

—

 

The night wore on. Jane had gone home. Thor, Odin, and Frigga were asleep. It was good; they were all sleep deprived and exhausted. But Tony couldn't sleep. So he kept vigil instead. Hours of the silent night, nothing to be heard but soft snoring and the quiet whir of machines.

Tony sighed. He reached out and gently touched Loki’s hand, moving down to his thin wrist to feel his pulse and remind himself that he was still alive. That he was still fighting. Still had a chance.

“You really care about Loki.”

Tony was startled by the soft voice of Frigga as she appeared behind him. He pulled his hand back like it had been bitten by a snake.

“I… I mean yeah, he’s… my best friend.” Tony said quickly.

She sat down across from Tony, on her son’s other side. She had a slight, knowing smile on her tired face. Tony had this sinking feeling that the cat was well out of the bag. Out and knocking glasses off the table like a smug little dick.

 

—

 

“Why don't you speak… verbally?” Loki eventually asked.

They had been walking a ways, avoiding skirmishes as they crossed the field. The heat was becoming unbearable, and the sweat poured from both of them. Loki did not feel well. He desperately wanted a distraction from it.

_I am the silent god. I have never been able to speak. But I was granted the ability to think aloud by my father, Odin, as reward for saving Asgard from an invasions of Giants, once._

Loki looked at him in surprise. “You… your father is Odin as well?”

_Indeed. I am honored to be the one to avenge his death by the great Fenris this day, as was fated._

“Then we are brothers?”

The man stared at him strangely for a very long moment. Loki didn't understand why.

_…yes._

Loki felt a wave of nausea come over him, all of a sudden, and he stopped and planted his hands on his knees, breathing heavily. Vidar stopped as well.

_We need to keep moving. Time is running out._

There it was again. Those words were following him to the end of the world.

“I feel funny.” He breathed. “Why is it so goddamned hot?”

_Surtr calls all the fires of the worlds to himself. It will get far hotter very soon. We must hurry._

Loki’s legs felt like jelly, his mind a haze and his ears rang. He felt like he might pass out. But he forced himself straight, and began taking steps forward. But then he stumbled.

Vidar was there at his side, to his surprise. Helped him to stand, a big, muscular arm under his own arm. Together, they went forward.

_We are almost there._

 

—

 

Morning came. The doctor stopped in early to explain the surgery to them. When he mentioned that they would be shaving a section of his head, Frigga asked if she could do it now. The doctor obliged. Rather than only shaving the section they had told her to do, though, she ended up carefully shaving almost the entire side of her son’s head.

“When he wakes up,” She said with confidence that Tony wished he shared, “He’ll be far less unhappy with an intentional-looking hairstyle than an ugly little section shaved for surgery.”

He was endeared at her reasoning, but Tony didn't think Loki would care what his hair looked like if he woke up and saw that he had a massive hole in his head.

Then again, Loki _was_ pretty vain.

 

—

 

Loki leaned on Vidar, looking up and feeling dizzy.

In front of them was the most massive tree Loki had ever seen in his life. The trunk had the girth of a forest, the roots reached out across oblivion, and it extended upward into the void.

_Yggdrasil. The World Tree. We have made it._

Loki stared in awe as they approached it. At first, he didn't see it. But as hey drew closer, he realized the tree had a gash in it; a hole. Just big enough for people to squeeze through.

“We are going inside the tree?” Loki asked, breathlessly.

_Indeed. Go on, I will follow behind you._

Loki obediently began to squeeze through. The bark was infinitely thick, but eventually he felt a draft, and stumbled through. He stared in wonder.

The inside of the tree was a great cavern. The air was cool and fresh and smelled of forest. Thousands of people congregated within, holding torches and whispering quietly amongst themselves. The sight went on forever; and as Loki looked up, he saw spirals of light carve up the tree; more people stood along the ridges within.

Vidar finally squeezed through behind him.

_Come. We must hurry if we wish to watch Ragnarok._

 

—

 

They were all pacing with anxiety. It was nearing time when the nurses would come and wheel Loki away to the surgery room.

To Tony, the sad thing about looking at him with a half shaven head was the fact that it seemed any stranger to him than the rest of it. He supposed he’d gotten used to seeing Loki in this deathly state as the days had gone by. Enough that a different haircut felt any more jarring than seeing him comatose in the first place.

He’d made the mistake of looking up craniotomies on the internet. It was kind of horrifying. He was almost glad that Loki was comatose in this instance, unable to know what was about to happen. Granted, it probably wouldn't freak Loki out as much as it would Tony.

He kept telling himself that this was good. This would keep Loki alive. Would give him a chance to get better without that pressure on his brain threatening his life. The hospital had even flown in a particularly renowned surgeon for it at the demand of Odin. Some young prodigy named Stephen Strange. Tony had tried not to mock the name. He was grateful that Loki would be in good hands.

The nurse finally entered the room, trying to give them all a reassuring smile.

“The doctor is ready for him.”

 

—

 

It was beautiful; in a horrible, apocalyptic way.

As Loki and Vidar stood where they had climbed up the inside of the great tree, they could view what went on outside through a hole in the trunk with immense height. From here, they could see all of the realms. It seemed impossible. There was no way they had climbed this high in that amount of time, and there seemed to be no vision fading the further the scene went on. Loki knew it had to be magic.

First came the great fire. It started in the great field of Vigrid, like a match lit in the darkness. And then slowly, swirling like a spiral galaxy, it spread to all the realms. An endless expanse of fire. It was terrifying, power hungry and relentless, a universe on fire; and Loki took a step back. But Vidar assured him they would be safe within the tree.

Soon the water appeared. A great ocean, rising. It began engulfing the realms; snuffing out the fire. The ocean roiled with heat, steam billowing across it like an endless hot spring. They watched until the highest peak of Asgard was covered over by the boiling ocean. The stars above reflected in it. It was beautiful.

The people within the tree were quiet. Respectful silence for the death of the worlds.

“What happens now?” Loki whispered after a long while of staring in awe out at that sea as it slowly began to cool. Would they live in the tree forever, now? In the firelit darkness in a universe of ocean?

_Look._

Loki looked out at the sea once again, and was surprised. Something was rising out of the ocean now. The water pouring from it as it came up. It was a world.

The world rose. Mountains towered. Valleys green and lush. Fresh and clean of the sins of humanity.

It was beautiful.

_Welcome to the new world. The world beyond Ragnarok._

 

—

 

_…you can wake up now…_

 

Loki opened his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (NOTE: I picked the mythological Vidar before noticing there was indeed a Marvel equivalent sooo, if you're familiar at all with Vidar of Earth-616... this probably isn't him)
> 
> Some people asked if the story would be ending soon.  
> Oh honeys we're just getting started ;)


	27. Chapter 27

****

**Chapter 27**

Which part was me, and which was you.

_― Children of the Mind_

 

The nurse had just been about to start rolling Loki out of the room when he gave them all a heart attack.

One moment he was as dead to the world as he had been for days, they shot passing glances over his unchanging state before turning to the nurse as she chatted with their cheerfully. The next moment, Frigga exclaimed, “Oh, gods!”, and they all turned to look; Loki’s eyes were wide open, a dazed expression on his face as he laboriously peered around.

They all stared in shock. He started mumbling something inaudible; ‘where am I?’ perhaps. Frigga leapt to his side instantly, Odin slowly got to his feet, and Thor pushed passed Tony who had been nearest. Tony let him, staring into those eyes as the cold shock ran through him.

“Loki!” Frigga choked out, taking his pale hand, placing her other hand against the side of his face gently.

Loki looked up at her, recognition seeming to slowly come to his bleary eyes- those beautiful green eyes no one thought they’d see again- and an expression of shock crossed his pallid face. “M-mother?” His voice was horrendously hoarse. “You're alive!”

Frigga burst out laughing, “Oh, my dear son; I'm the one who should be saying that!”

Loki glanced around and seemed stunned and conflicted to see Thor at his other side. “Thor.” He croaked out, “…father!” He spotted Odin stepping up to the bed, expression like he’d seen a ghost mirroring that of his son’s. “But how? I saw you all die!” His words were slurred with drowsiness.

“You were dreaming, brother.” Thor’s voice sounded dazed as he reached down to take his brother’s other hand. “We are all fine!”

It was strange to them all. Besides the dark eye circles and unhealthy complexion, Loki seemed like he could have simply been waking up on any average morning from an odd dream, confusion lingering before he fully awoke. It happened so often, it took glancing around at the hospital equipment and tubes and electrodes to recognize that it was not any other day.

“It is a miracle!” Frigga cried out.

“Oh my god, you have no idea.” Came the voice of the nurse. They all glanced to where she had crossed over to look at the readouts.

“What is it?” Odin asked, voice clipped.

“This isn't…” The nurse looked back at them, eyes wide. “The swelling is… it's almost completely gone!”

Tony, finally coming out of his paralyzed shock, spoke up, “How… how is that possible? You checked the readings half an hour ago, they were unchanged!”

The nurse looked dazed, then shook it off and went to page the doctor. “God… I imagine the doctor will want to call off the surgery.”

Loki didn't seem to understand what was going on at all, his eyes yet glazed and unrecognizing. “What happened to… where is Vidar?”

Tony was perplexed when he caught both Odin and Frigga going rigid. Then Frigga quickly turned back and squeezed her son’s hand, “It was just a dream, my love. You're in the hospital. Do you remember how you got here?”

They could all see the blankness behind his eyes. None of it seemed to register. The silence fell for a long moment.

“How do you feel?” Tony asked to change the subject, squeezing in beside Thor, who was too amazed by this situation to remember he was supposed to be annoyed at the Tony.

Tony was startled by the expression he was met with. Loki looked up at him as if noticing him for the first time, and stared blearily for a long while. His eyes held no recognition.

Loki frowned. “Were you there in the great tree with us?” He asked, as though trying to place where he had seen him before.

“I…” Tony was taken aback, and a sinking feeling began in his stomach. Loki did not recognize him? And what was all the nonsense he’d been spouting? Tony looked over to the nurse. “What's wrong with him?”

She was about to speak when Loki seemed to suddenly notice the tubes embedded in his arms. His eyes widened and he ripped his hand from his brother to claw at them, a stream of panicked non-words coming from his mouth. The nurse rushed over and grabbed his hand to stop him. “Hey, hey don’t do that sweetie you're going to hurt yourself!” But Loki struggled against her, strong even in his weakened state as the fight or flight response kicked in, eyes wild with sheer panic and Thor quickly stepped in to help hold him down.

It was at that moment that the doctor had entered the room. He recognized the situation immediately and rushed over to help, taking the nurse’s place. “Sedative, please, Kara.” He told her.

She hurriedly went to release the sedative into the system, and it was not long before Loki went slack and silent, eyes rolling back, head falling back down onto the pillow.

 

—

 

Loki awoke to the warmth of sunlight bathing his skin. Blinking, he found himself curled comfortably in a nest of fresh, green grass, tickling against his skin.

He sat up and glanced around.

A beautiful, green meadow marbled with colorful wildflowers buzzing with insects surrounded him. The air smelled fresher than the remotest forest, sweet with floral fragrances.

After several moments of serenity, breathing in the air, he eventually got to his feet and peered behind him.

There, in the distance, the great tree Yggdrasil towered above the horizon. It was blue through the atmosphere, and the further he looked up, it faded out of view. It's great tendrils of roots held the world in an embrace, and he spotted countless little dots travelling across it.

_Those that have survived Ragnarok; filing into the new world to indulge in its fruit and populate it anew._

Loki glanced aside and saw Vidar striding up to him.

 _When you fell asleep, I tried to bring you along, but you became violent in your slumber._ The man thought to him.

“I had a strange dream.” Loki said, frowning. “My family was alive. Odin, Frigga… even Thor, and he seemed to not hate me. They told me that this was the dream. That Ragnarok and their deaths were the dream.”

W _hen we are not dreaming of the worst, we may dream of things we wish to be. But it is best to let them go._

Loki nodded, a bit wistfully. Vidar patted him on the shoulder and turned around to look into the distance behind them, and Loki turned as well.

Vidar pointed out to the sky, and Loki was surprised to see another world suspended in space. It was shaped like a giant floating island, and though tinted blue by the atmosphere, the green and swirling clouds were evident.

“What is that place?” Loki asked.

_That is Idavoll. The only world that survived Ragnarok. There are other Æsir there, preserved from the end of days. That is where I will go. Do you wish to join me?_

Loki looked at the world called Idavoll thoughtfully for a while. His curiosity was piqued; an entire established world to explore? Yet, eventually, he spoke up, “I think I’d rather stay here.” His voice was soft as he glanced around at his paradisical surroundings. He felt a strange, alluring connection to the ground beneath his feet. It called to him in its mystery, saying, ‘there is something here for you’.

Vidar nodded _. Very well. Perhaps one day, you will join us. Yet, have care where you go. Your presence will likely cause unrest._

“Why?” Loki frowned.

_You were not meant to be here. Alive, in this form. You are… wrong._

“Will this anger people?” Loki asked sadly. “As it did my brother, to see me alive?”

_It is possible. Likely not many here will know you, but the faithful among them may see who you were supposed to be. They may view you as the filth of the old world seeping into the new, and may do something about it. You would be best keeping contact limited. Living in seclusion, perhaps._

This was despairing to hear; he may be hated and shunned for things he did not do? And what were the things they thought he had done? Perhaps, one day, he would discover the answers.

But this was a new world. And Loki had always been a loner. He knew he would survive. He always had, going it alone.

 

—

 

Scare past, the room had settled down, and the heaviness that had plagued them all for days seemed to have dissipated like it was never there. The doctor had assured them that Loki seemed to be stable and recovering miraculously, and he and the nurse were now marveling over the readouts. Though they had brought in another machine to ensure the first wasn't malfunctioning and it had shown the same results, they still planned to conduct another MRI on him shortly to confirm beyond a doubt.

But those were just details to the rest of them. Because they had all witnessed firsthand Loki rise from the dead. They knew everything was going to be okay now. And it was like all the weariness and tension that had accumulated over the days just melted away. Their faces bright. The first real smiles any of them had given. Thor had removed himself to call Jane and let her know the news.

It occurred to Tony that he should probably let Bruce know as well, but instead he sat in a chair at the edge of the room, frowning down at his hands.

Loki hadn't recognized him. He’d recognized his family, but not Tony. What did that mean? Was he experiencing some kind of amnesia? Would it be the same when he awoke again?

“What if he never remembers me?” Tony muttered to himself, before pinching between his eyes.

“He most likely will.”

Tony glanced up as the doctor was making his way out of the room and stopped at his side.

“Why didn't he recognize me, then?” Tony asked.

“Memory issues are a common side effect of encephalitis, but he seemed to be experiencing delirium, possibly even from his psychological condition. I wouldn't let it concern you until we’re able to run a full cognitive test on him.” The doctor assured him. “He recognized the others, I think that's a good sign he’ll remember you as well.”

Tony slowly let himself nod and then give a slight smile. “I guess we’ll see.”

The doctor is right, he let himself think as the man left the room. Loki literally just woke up after being in a coma for days. He was bound to be confused, and now isn't the time to worry about a little memory loss. Loki is alive, and recovering, and everything is going to be okay.

So he shook off his worry and grabbed his phone, typing in Bruce’s number.

 

—

 

Loki had been wandering the forest for a while. The smell of fresh leaves and pine needles tingled in his nose. This new world was so clean. It was a stark contrast to the acrid, scorched earth of the fields of Vigrid.

The fresh air wasn't what was driving him on, though. Soon after Vidar had left, Loki noticed something odd. An electrical tingling in his brain, through his ear as he turned his head. Only present when facing a certain direction. There was something about this static in his brain that called him forward, and he just had to find the source.

He had begun to wonder if he was just imagining it, if it was the result of some kind of head injury, when he stepped out into a shaded, misty clearing. His eyes widened.

Massive, crude rock obelisks rose from the earth at different heights. The rock was black like obsidian, but opaque. Moss and oxidization colored the surfaces.

But the strangest thing of all was the pattern.

Each rock had sharp and swirling patterns wrapping around it, and the patterns were glowing bright blue.

Loki felt a chill go through him. This wasn't right. This didn't make sense. These stones… he could feel it, they were ancient. More ancient than anything. With a secret incompressibly alien. How could something like this exist in a brand new world that had just risen from nothing? A world washed clean of the past?

Unless…

“Sacral patterna.” He whispered to himself. He couldn't remember what those words meant, but they felt like something that had been important to him long ago.

He cautiously took a step forward. The mist clung to the grass here like thick spiderwebs, but his feet broke through it. He reached out to put a hand on the closest stone-

A sudden rustling made him jump out of his skin and whirl around. Eyes wide with fear, he looked around wildly. Nothing was there, but the mist was curling faster like something had just moved through it.

“Wh-who is there?” Loki swallowed. “Vidar?”

The silence was deafening and Loki felt dread crawl down through his skin. He slowly began backing up, looking in every direction. He could feel eyes on him. Something or someone was there.

Footsteps behind him made him whirl around again, to no avail. Now he found himself in the center of the clearing, glowing obelisks all around him. The patterns were swimming through his vision, crawling out from the stones, untethered and dancing through the air, creating new patterns, or old ones? They seemed so familiar…

“Be careful with those.”

Loki yelped as a voice breathed right down his neck, and he whipped around, hair on end.

In front of him now, stood a dark, cloaked figure, face obscured by a dark hood and mask. Loki was frozen in place, staring up at the figure in terror.

But the dark figure simply turned to face the nearest stone, and held its dark-clad hand out to it. The light dimmed as it got closer. “You have no idea what I had to do to find you here.” The figure continued. The voice was heavily filtered, impossible to glean any personal information from and adding to the figure’s already-creepy aesthetic. “Wouldn't want you to slip through yet another tear, hm? Not sure I’d find you again if you ended up in one of the… less familiar places.”

“What the hell are you on about?” Loki asked, swallowing. “Who are you?”

“That's not important right now. We don't have a lot of time.” The figure turned back and strode right up to Loki, who shied backwards until his back hit a rock. “We need to get your little people back.”

“My what?” Loki was incredulous. “Are you mad?”

“Probably, but no more than you are. Hold still, this will probably hurt.” The figure reached out and, despite Loki’s desperate attempt to fend them off, put its hands on either side of Loki’s head.

The moment the gloved hands touched his skin, everything went crazy.

Lightning shot through his head, and he howled in pain as thousands of colors rushed through his vision. It felt like his flesh was being torn from his bones and stitched back in place. His ears were full of noise that turned into screams and drowned out his own.

But just as soon as it began, Loki fell out of the pain and the noise and color and landed in the grass on his hands and knees, panting.

“Feel yourself again?” The figure asked, filtered voice choppy and artificial.

Loki looked up at the masked figure, eyes wide. “What… did you do to me?”

_…hello?…_

_…is that you…_

_…Loki!…_

Loki suddenly felt a calm overcome him, flooding in through his veins. He sat there, listening to the familiar voices drift around him, covering him like a blanket, drawing him back to where he was supposed to be.

_…oh I've been drifting so long!…_

_…through the stars… stars again…_

_…liked it better out there…_

And then he remembered.

The memories came flooding back. The voices. His voices. His family, school, friends… Tony.

Tony! He remembered yelling at Tony. He remembered feeling so angry, and now he didn't know why he’d done that and he felt horrible-

He felt a hand grab him by the shirt and hoist him up. He grabbed at the offending arm and looked up, willing his vision to align to reality, and the masked, hooded face appeared again.

“Like I said, we don't have much time.” The figure said as gruffly as a filtered voice can sound, and released Loki’s shirt.

“How did I get here?” Loki asked, desperately. “Am I… experiencing a reality break?”

The figure laughed harshly. “Oh, Loki, you have no idea.”

Loki felt dread rising in his stomach.

“You're running out of time. We both are. I need to go while I still can.”

“What? But, wait, who are you?” Loki asked before the figure began to turn away.

“It doesn't matter right now. But this isn't the last you'll see of me. At least, I hope it isn't.” The figure said. It turned and held a hand out to an obelisk. “See these patterns? You know what to do.”

Loki stared for a long moment before finally turning to glance at the patterned stones. His eyes travelled the lines and- yes; where one stone’s pattern ended, it linked up with another’s if you just moved it in the right-

“These are Sacral Patterna, aren't they?” Loki asked. But when he received no answer, he looked up from the stone.

The figure was gone.

 

—

 

Odin and Frigga had gone to get lunch, leaving the rest of them to watch over Loki. One of the nurses was busy checking the equipment. Bruce had rejoined them, and, after marveling at the readouts alongside the doctors for a while, now sat beside Tony. The man clearly hadn't yet gotten enough sleep to cover over the long nights recently, but he seemed bright-eyed regardless.

Tony knew that feeling. That scientific wonder that sent the adrenaline rushing through the veins. That manic feeling like you've breached a whole new world of possibilities. It's what made being a scientist the greatest high of all.

They were just discussing future applications for bacteriophages when Loki awoke yet again.

This time was more abrupt. He let in a gasp and his eyes opened wide, like he’d just surfaced water. He looked around wildly and they were all instantly on their feet.

“Loki? Are you alright, brother?” Thor asked, coming up to the bed.

Loki tugged against the wrist restraints he had been put in to avoid a repeat of his last awakening. “I need something to write with!” He panted desperately.

“You… What?”

“Please, now Thor!”

Thor exchanged glances with Tony, then turned and grabbed the clipboard that had papers with simplified information on Loki’s condition on it for the family to read, and turned the paper over to the blank side. Bruce handed him a pen, expression of bewilderment. Tony stepped over to the other side and went to undo the restraint on Loki’s writing arm.

The nurse looked like she was going to protest against releasing the binding when Loki took the paper and pen and, holding the clipboard with his yet-bound hand, began drawing out intricate linework in perfect calm and precision. They all stared in wonder as the alien patterns were fleshed out in perfect symmetry.

“I… perhaps I should call the doctor.” The nurse stammered. “He may have experienced brain damage-”

“Oh, no.” Tony laughed. “This is the most normal thing he’s done in a while.”

The nurse looked perplexed.

Loki stopped his drawing, and looked up at Tony, as though noticing him for the first time.

They stared at each other for a long moment, warm brown eyes meeting bright, wondering green, when Loki finally breathed, “Tony.”

Tony felt his breath hitch. Loki remembered him! His heart was running marathons. He wanted so badly to smother him in hugs and kisses. The relief that all the shit that had gone down these past few days were well and truly over flowed through him like morphine. His legs felt like Jell-O.

“Hey, buddy.” He said, with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, I did NOT mean to take this long to update. I've been struggling with depression but I'm back now :)  
> Hopefully I'll have a new chapter for Let There Be Fire soon as well, and I'm also working on a new 2-3 chapter short!


End file.
